UGLY HAYABUSAS 7 : PEOPLE STILL SUCK

Well… it’s certainly been quite a time to be alive, hasn’t it? The folks with all the money are currently trying to reopen the entire country without having anything really under control, Fall Out Boy is currently in rotation on classic rock radio, and a guy who sells $60 pillows crafted from plastic sawdust is slowly morphing into the next Hitler. While everything is still nowhere near as bad as 2020 was, be aware that we are still only halfway through it so far.

If you are currently in the market for a rental car, a hotel room, or even a few gallons of gasoline, I have some bad news for you: everything kinda sucks ass right now. Used vehicle prices are skyrocketing pending a huge electronics supply problem and everybody wants a car right now since they spent an entire year in the garage with a skateboard. One of the biggest variable at play are an abundance of stimulus checks and retroactive unemployment tax rebates hitting bank accounts right now (thanks, Uncle ‘murica!) and all of these are just waiting to be spent as fast as possible. People with the vehicular goods know they can pad out that starting “OBO” price at a stupid level without any semblance of hesitation.

If you’ve considered picking up a used motorcycle during this mess in order to put off a high priced 4 wheeled vehicle purchase throughout the summer, be aware that used values on bikes are also just as stupid. What would normally go for $3,500 two years ago (i.e., a 15 year old CBR600 or whatever) are starting at 6 grand. It’s almost impossible to pick up anything for less than $5,000, which prices out most casual and novice riders from taking that plunge. However, the values placed on heavily modified motorcycles have stayed pretty stable throughout the years, somehow making them a safer investment than DongCoin or whatever you fucking weirdos decide to invest your $3 in.

Just so we’re clear, Suzuki Hayabusas are a really cool thing. They are a motorcycle that is practically a culture in itself: a culture that involves bad decisions, bondo, and multiple hospital stays. The Hayabusa is one of the fastest production bikes ever made. If you own one, you are pretty much expected to do something obnoxiously stupid with it. It’s hard to find any Hayabusas on sale that haven’t been drunkenly tampered with in one way or another, and it’s always super fun to point and laugh at the folks that are selling off their badly planned decisions at a premium. In case you missed that little subtitle up there, this happens to be the 7th edition of this series, and the past ones can be found right here- Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, and Part 69. Just so you are aware, this particular editions’ Ugly Hayabusas are a little less insane than previous entries, and I have to chalk that up to a worldwide shortage of Cabbage Patch doll heads. While it’s been a while since I’ve found six stinkers worthy enough to write about, I also chalk it up my writer’s block to lockdown depression and general malaise, which I think everybody still hasn’t really recovered from yet. Maybe some motorcycle shoppin’ retail therapy could be the cure?

But enough of an intro, eh? Bring on the garbage!

God bless America’s farmlands

5. Fido Dido ‘Busa

2014 model, Colorado. Asking price: $12,000

I found this beauty on Denver craigslist, and it’s certainly….uh, something. I just haven’t figured out exactly what the hell that “something” is supposed to be. This lovely black and white paisley motif is a great choice for the hardcore senior citizen in your life or it can just serve as a gentle reminder of that train robber bandana you wore over your face for the last a year and a half inside Wal-Mart. The ad description stresses that this bike is “stretched to the max, bro” but this doesn’t come anywhere close to some of the idiotic shit I’ve previously featured here. All things considered, this custum (sic) bike is so basic and tame that it’s actually kinda sad. All this bike really has to offer is a $4,000 of motorcycle wrapped in $37 dollars worth of leftover budget vinyl scraps.

Pictured: high art

On one side, the bodywork is white with black paisley print, and the other side is black with… white paisley print! This guy is clearly some sort of a Designing Women edgelord. In order to try to bring the asking price up, he photographed this bike parked in front of a red Ferrari and a lifted Hummer to try to convince you this bike was your easy ticket into the lap of luxury: A life of luxury based on the artwork of Fido Dido and the ABC Saturday Morning crew. If you are cruising around on this bike and your date asks you why you bought a doily bike, respond by telling her that nothing could ever be more manly than your sweet Diary of a Wimpy Kid inspired ride. That’s about all there is to say about this trash, except I want to also mention how fucking terrible/uncomfortable this seat looks. Hope you’ve gotten those hemorrhoids under control, buddy!

4. Total Tribal Trailer Trash

2000 model, South Carolina. Asking price: $9,000

Jesus died…for this?

From the Deep South, here comes an eBay auction to remember! If you like hand airbrushed tribal artwork complemented by even more hand airbrushed tribal artwork, boy have I got the bike for you! Here is a quote pulled directly from the fucking listing itself:

“Bike has never been laid down or any type of accidents. Dropped it ounce in the garage and broke mirrors off. Some damage” I have to give solid props to an honest seller willing to completely contradict himself within the first two sentences, so I’m positive there is approximately zero warranty implied with this lovely bike. This bike has an extended swingarm, straight pipes, and “3,500 dollar rims”. He swears that he has sunk more than 20 grand into modifications but for the life of me, I still can’t tell where the other $19,000 went. This looks like a bike that got crashed, got some chrome parts and a cheapo fairing kit, left a few nights outside Airbrush Sam’s apartment. In case you haven’t heard of him, Airbrush Sam is one of the best custom painters in the South, and happily accepts MethCoin for payment. I like to think this owner kept sending it back to him, saying “MORE TRIBAL” every time like a really sad version of the “more cowbell” SNL sketch.

Who brought the Lysol??

And holy shit, this bike is motherfuckin’ FAMOUS!! It was used for a photo shoot for a local South Carolina dive bar print ad advertising that “Every Tuesday is Budweiser Bike Night here at 13th Street Hooters!” This ad is a far cry from getting featured in a motorcycle magazine or something like that, but I’ve never seen a motorcycle magazine spread get strategically placed at eye level above a row of urinals, either. Speaking of Hooters, has anybody checked on them lately? I haven’t seen a physical Hooters restaurant since 2005. I don’t actually miss it, since I’ve gotten better wings by drenching a six piece McNugget happy meal in Tepatio while wearing a stretchy tank top. My McHooters bring all the boys to the yard.

OH GOD AIRBRUSH SAM GOT THE HELMET TOO

3. 2004 Suzuki Insurrection

2004, Florida (where else, really??) Asking price: $14,800

‘MURICA seems to be a constantly recurring theme with these bikes for some reason. I guess when all other livery/design options have been exhausted, desecrating the flag always makes for the next best choice. I like how they tried to make the flag stripes flow with the bodywork, but it ended up just looking like a really shitty Spiderman logo. this bike has a VW stinger exhaust, and some weird body filler above the rear tire which houses a “tricky rear suspension”. If you are interested in purchasing this bike, it’s still up for bids on eBay and it can currently be seen at boat bike parades (bikes can’t sink lol) or outside Mar a Lago and at various “Stop The Steal” rallies in Piggly Wiggly parking lots across the state. And that’s everything this bike stands for: There’s nothing more American than undermining America and democracy itself because some kid on YouTube told you to do so.

“Grab a flagpole and let’s host a jousting tournament against the police!”

I guess the gauge cluster is kinda okay, as long as you are cool with looking down to check your speed and RPM’s and being reassured that you are IN AMERICA DRIVING AMERICA BIKE ON AMERICA ROADS AND YOU NEED TO PICK UP SOME AMERICA FIREWORKS TO CELEBRATE AMERICA you MASSIVE PUSSY. This bike loves America almost as much as you do, so maybe you should consider taking your 175 horsepower MAGA dogwhistle on a long road trip across the country…

…on second thought, skip Washington D.C. entirely

2. The Tumor

?? no year listed, Colorado. Asking price: $27,000

Is that supposed to be David Bowie??

Here’s a real weird one. I almost went with the title of the Heavy Metal inspired paintwork “Swiss Cheese Hanglider” but I still think this bike looks more like something that could only be defeated by several rounds of intense chemotherapy. This is another winner that can be found on Denver craigslist, and this one has a unique street cred that no other documented Ugly Hayabusa has gotten thus far, it’s 100% non-roadworthy. This bike has a $27,000 price tag, and can only be driven in 1/4 mile increments since there’s no headlight, mirrors, turn signals or anything remotely resembling self-respect. The Tumor’s track times aren’t anything to write home about either, since they are all in the very high 10’s. As I stare into the disturbing void that is this paint job, I feel sad knowing that somewhere there is a panel van that is missing a musclebound cheese covered androgynous warrior. This bike looks like the grand prize you’d get for winning a paint eating contest.

If you’ve ever wanted to spend some WRX money on a bike that you can only use on a drag strip, the Tumor is the bike of your dreams. This dumb bike is lowered so far that running over an errant pebble will cause spontaneous permanent damage. But don’t worry, this bike is already used to that sort of thing anyways, since it’s a salvage title race bike. It also comes with a wheelie bar on the back, so you know that the previous owner genuinely cares. When it comes to the deciding on whether or not you should purchase the Tumor, all you have to do is make two columns. Pros: it’s got two wheels and a motor. Cons: Everything else

1. Dork Night Rises

2007 model, Connecticut. Asking price: $12,000

Bat-Codpiece and Bat-Nipples sold separately!

There’s only one prerequisite for potential owners of the final bike on our list:

Must.

Fuckin’.

Love.

Bats.

To be fair, it’s nice to see the other side of the DC comic represented decently since I’ve seen at least 350 shitty homemade “Joker” bikes (see Ugly Hayabusas 6) for as long as I’ve been doing this. This guy really fucking loves Batman, but not enough to keep his Batman Temple housed inside the garage anymore. He even made a dorky little helmet that is included in the sale in case you needed that boost to your testosterone levels (you do).

Included in the sale is a Hayabusa logo made from bats, some bats on the seats, bats on the body, bats on the wheels, bats on the helmet and bats engraved in the side mirrors. This bike also has a homemade extended swing arm and a muffler delete, since everybody knows that bats are loud as fuck.

You. Fuckin. Dork.

Despite the fact this bike exceeds the legal amount of bats painted on a single vehicle, there are a couple cool modifications that aren’t shown in the pictures. The instrument cluster is pretty neat and there’s a little bat mark for every 10 miles per hour. There is also a pretty big cupholder on the side of the fairing that can hold up to a liter sized bottle of Mountain Dew. However, there’s an amenity that’s strangely absent: a place to store your comics. But at least he got a dick-shaped sad Batman embossed into the seat right where your chode goes.

So if you loved all those gritty Nolan Batman films, then this is definitely the bike for you! If you think riding around town sporting cute lil bat ears sounds like fun, then what the hell are you waiting for? Hopefully you can crash directly into somebody riding a Joker bike and it will lead to a hilarious police report. Lastly, this bike would make a great gift. But also bear in mind that this bike is not a good gift for someone that doesn’t like bats.

Teh Ben is currently motorcycle-less and he’s on the verge of being kicked out of his biker gang. If ugly bikes aren’t your thing, be sure to check out his other ventures in multimedia: his Twitter account, his Instagram, and his (propaganda free) YouTube channel. For the love of God please stop leaving antivaxxer bullshit in the comments on his tire repair video, please.

Wait, Batman fights crime in a T-shirt and cargo shorts?

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