Written by: Jake Cianciosa
The following is intended for aged 18+ readers only. Please observe local laws in your jurisdiction in regards to adult content (tldr: we can’t afford to install an “I AM 18” button).
New Year’s Eve is usually a day to ring in the new year and leave all the bad things from the previous year behind you to be forgotten forever. For me, it was a slap in the face with the reality that Covid-19 still exists and will continue to exist for a long time into the future. I tested positive and was duly sentenced to 5 days locked away in my bedroom like a princess in an old fairytale, except that I had no knight in shining armor rescue me and carry me away. Instead, I chose to pass the time by doing what every young person does when they get an ounce of alone time, fire up some porn and get to work. I came to the decision that if I was going to be locked away with nothing but Pornhub, my Xbox, and shitty Netflix true crime documentaries to keep me entertained I might as well go all in and get the good stuff: Pornhub Premium. This is a territory of Pornhub that not many people I know have ever attempted to explore. While most users only get access to this brave new world for free only on Valentines Day, few rarely dare to venture beyond the great paywall. Last week, I broke though and decided to take this journey by the balls and can now say I am one of the proud chosen few, known throughout the kingdom as a Knight of Premium.
Pornhub boasts a vast collection of every kind of scene your horny heart desires, from busty blondes getting stuck under tables to your most wild bondage fantasy. Trust me: if you can conceive it, they have it. However, they keep a surprisingly large collection of videos behind a premium paywall that will run you roughly around whatever a Netflix or Apple Music subscription costs these days. Should you choose to stick to a monthly payment it will cost you $9.99 a month, however if you pay the whole payment up front for $95.88 it will only cost you $7.99 a month (which is less than Netflix!). In addition to a badged Pornhub subscription, you also get full access to Youporn and Redtube. These videos also come in 4K Ultra HD or 1080p or whatever your screen can handle.
While it might be hard to put the monthly pricing into perspective, try to remember to how much porn used to cost when you had to go out and get a physical magazine or a DVD! $9.99 a month pales in comparison to how much only one video or maybe 100 pages of pictures of naked women sprawling themselves across the hoods of classic Mustangs would be. Then came the fun part of having to place your chosen porn next to the cash register so you could get judged heavily by the worker behind the counter. Thankfully I never had to experience any of this as I am only 20 years old and for me, porn has always been a click away (and free), removing a LOT of awkward encounters from my life that you olds had to deal with. Now, back to the cost: in terms of getting what you pay for, Premium is well worth it considering the alternative is buying physical copies that have nowhere near the level of selection that old reliable basic Pornhub has.
The real test of whether or not premium is worth it, as it is marketed, is access to full length videos. Pornhub’s “standard” content is cut down versions of the full thing showing only bits and pieces, or showing clips of the video covered in watermarks literally cock blocking all of the good stuff. With Premium you get all the foreplay, cleanup, and everything in between (literally) all advertisement free so you can jump right into the video with no time wasted. The behind-the-scenes interviews with the fluffers are always a hoot and worth checking out.
While all of this is great, there is not much to be offered with the premium package that you do not get with the free porn. My review process was to take a few videos from the top categories and a few videos from each of the top 5 film stars in the rankings. I figured this could give me the best of the best from a diverse selection of videos. These videos were all quite underwhelming to say the least. The video length jumping from 10 minutes all the way to 40 took some getting used to, and for me it never really mattered that there was all that extra time because there was nothing erotic happening whatsoever. Let’s be real, we all have joked about watching porn for the plot but when there is an actual plot line that takes 15 minutes for them to set up before the actors even start touching each other, that is too much intro and plot, and we don’t need it. I don’t need to understand the moral dilemmas the pizza delivery man is going through before laying pipe. There is all that extra time spent on the videos but really you are only getting about 5-10 more minutes of actual porn, maybe a little bit more if you count some basic kissing and boob grabbing. This means essentially, you are paying for the same thing you can get for free, the only difference is that there is a money shot and no ads (for pizza).
There is also the issue of pirated premium porn. I also did a little research into if there were full length videos for free anywhere else on the internet. With a little bit of digging and snooping, most videos can be found by simply copy and pasting the title into the search bar and clicking around a bit, the only risk here is you may pick up a computer virus or two but hey, my phone says I have over 90 running concurrently and nobody has taken my information so you should be safe, right? This means that not only are you paying for average porn in full length, 4K Ultra HD, you are also paying for something you can find for free with 10 seconds of looking around.
This ultimately kills the entire premise of the premium experience, as there is no real reason to pay (I’ll touch on that point again in a moment). Everything good is out there for free somewhere and you really are not getting much more porn from this subscription than you are already getting for free. While the videos may be slightly better in production quality, everyone knows that the best videos are filmed on an awful camera with low quality, it makes it seem more real and natural despite everyone knowing porn is fake (my Catholic school self shed a tear when I found out that the people in porn were not couples who were happily married and in love). To be honest, the realism aspect is a good quality to have, after all, not everyone can rock a perfect body and a 10″ penis (one can dream).
Another issue to consider with porn being pirated is the fact that the actors lose money on pirated material. There is minimal information on how much the stars actually get paid (probably because they get paid like shit) therefore it is hard to find out exactly how much money they lose whenever their work gets posted somewhere else without any kickbacks. Based off the small amount of information we know about sex workers getting paid we know that they make anywhere from $3,000 to $5,000 from a major production company and they also MIGHT get monthly royalty checks based off the views. When a video gets pirated and posted without consent from the workers or the production company, and just like that Coldplay album you stole, they do not make money from that video.
As piracy becomes more and more prevalent, sex workers lose more and more money which could cause them to stop doing their jobs (please God, no). This is one of the reasons I do recommend paying for services like Premium so that the workers do not get discouraged about pirating and they can keep a steady money flow, or even prevent less reputable porn makers from taking advantage of their workers in more ways than one. This would hopefully encourage more sex workers in the industry, and to ideally do that work as safely as possible.
There is only one feature that they offer that I have not yet tried nor do I have the access to try: virtual reality. Pornub Premium has VR compatability to gain the full immersive experience and give yourself a chance to be a part of the scene you are watching, I would assume that these are POV videos that put you right into the headspace of the guy or girl you wish to be and let you fuck or get fucked all you want. Again I have not tried this yet nor will I ever try this but it seems like it could be a cool thing if you are really desperate for some realistic action and want to get the most value out of your Facebook Occulus thing.
Pornhub did us a dirty when they brought out their paywall to make a few quick bucks, not that they really needed it. They used expert marketing tactics to convince us that the best porn experience of your life only costs a few bucks a month, when the free version already has all the stupid bullshit cut out. They also don’t advertise that whenever you get suckered into paying for Premium, you just end up being left sad, alone, and disappointed with your life choices. I would not recommend this subscription to anyone and instead say go treat yourself to a nice #4 meal at Taco Bell twice a month for the same price. You will never be disappointed by a large cool Baja Blast and some tacos as opposed to having Premium. From now on, I will be sticking to free porn and will never get sucked into that horrible recurring payment trap they have the audacity to call “premium” ever again.
Tacos, anyone?
TEHBEN.COM 