Written by: Jenn!!
A few months ago, I finally got the Steam Deck I had put a deposit on at the beginning of the year. It was exciting, especially because my laptop cannot sufficiently run most of the PC games I want to play. Now, with the Deck, there was a whole world of gaming out there that I could finally experience – I could finally run Fallout: New Vegas or maybe the new Yakuza game!
But before I actually did any of that, I decided to peruse…the adults-only section on Steam. Up until this point, I could play little more than a sexy visual novel, but now?! I have the power to run 3D PORN GAMES! Obviously, playing these takes precedence over the games with frivolous things like “plot” and “gameplay.” A friend of mine also recently got her Steam Deck in and immediately decided to install the very tasteful game, Sex With Hitler 3D. In fact, it was the first game she played on it.
Now, she paid $7 for that game and I personally refuse to spend money on any of this shit. No way I’m giving any of my hard-earned cash to people who make Hitler porn. But I will certainly install some free-to-play games!
It took a while to find any, though. I was amazed at how pricey some of these offerings were. There are people out there paying $25 to see PS3 looking-ass girls’ tits?! Dude, you can get a month of content from a real-life human being on OnlyFans for less than that. Do these guys not know that videos of real people exist? You don’t have to jerk off to off-model titties! Of course I say this while I’m downloading a copy of Big Titty Goth GF Simulator, so you know, pot calling the kettle horny or whatever.
I was also amazed at just what content Steam would allow on their store. I’ve noticed that just about every visual novel import from Japan will be heavily censored – for example, the notorious BL game DRAMAtical Murder was added to the store, but with all the dicks removed. Which, if I recall correctly, the JPN release already had pixelization over the dangly bits. Yet, Valve allows the likes of Sex with Hitler – multiple Nazi sex simulator games in fact! With visible cocks! What on earth are their community standards?!
Here’s a few screenshots of some of the wildest games I found while browsing. I think Hentai Sniper: Middle East may have broken me. I’m also happy to hear that Sex With Stalin has “Replay Value.”
After scrubbing through the ranks of all these prestigious titles, I finally landed on a few free games. And boy oh boy, were they something.
College life is going well, and Player-Character-You-Get-To-Name is excited to study abroad next year with his Unnamed Girlfriend! Nothing could go wrong, and you’re totally guaranteed to get this scholarship spot to travel to Paris with Unnamed, where she will finally have sex with you! Except, uh oh, it turns out the bitch headmistress has plans to give your spot away to a rich kid whose family donates to the school. How will you get your spot back?! And how many girls can you ogle in the meantime?!
Immediately, I knew this game would not be for me because one of the first thing your player character says is that he hopes his girlfriend never puts on a strap-on. BOOOOOO! Cowards! Everything going on here is pretty vanilla, but you do get some entertaining set-ups like “accidentally walking in on the big titty librarian masturbating with an e-cig” and “having sex with the headmistress so that you can get a scholarship.”
The dialogue and storylines here are so bizarre and (surprise surprise) every arc is wildly misogynistic. Each girl gets exactly one character trait, ranging from things like “girlfriend,” “fat,” “slut,” “MILF,” “Latina,” “old lady,” and so on. Which, okay, I didn’t expect top-tier character writing from a game like this, but good lord. The amount of times the male player character smugly thinks to himself that women are stupid and/or unreasonable is a bit much.
By far, the most off-putting thing about this game is the graphics. Admittedly, the 3D girls are better looking than those in similar games but that’s not saying much. The women often make these bizarre “derp” faces, and the animation loops are stunted and dull. As for your character, you don’t get a face, just a disembodied lower body and cock. They obviously did not even bother with your anatomy, as there are many times when your dick is just floating around where your belly button should be. There’s also no voice acting whatsoever, which really kills the vibe. Just watching a Sims character silently bob up and down on a deformed penis can’t be that fun for anyone. Give me a stock moan, at least!
Worst of all are the character models’ textures. For some reason, the developers really leaned into realism here and attempted to emulate stretchmarks, veins, and pores. It doesn’t work. It’s horrifying. Seeing this, I totally get why so many pervs online say they prefer 2D anime girls. Everything here is so uncanny and disturbing. Don’t even get me started on the closeups of 3D coochies…
The verdict? Unsexy as hell but still somehow entertaining. This game packs a lot of content for a free game. I can’t imagine anyone actually being turned on by this, but there ARE a lot of characters and a surprisingly long story mode. Not that the story is any good, mind you, but…it is unintentionally hilarious and I found myself enjoying some of the goofy dialogue trees.
Big Titty Goth GF Simulator
I mean, I can’t NOT try out a free-to-play game about big titty goth girls. This is a very short visual novel type game about two goth best friends. You’re one of the goth girls and you have a crush on Madeline, a very mean goth who has suddenly developed an insatiable appetite and cannot stop gaining weight. You were already lovelorn, but now that Madeline has grown obnoxiously large breasts and keeps busting out of her clothes because she’s too plus-sized, she can’t help but be stupid horny for her BFF…
There’s not much to this one. There’s no gameplay to speak of, as it’s essentially a visual novel. I don’t even think the choices you make have any real impact on the story. Well, maybe it does, but frankly this game wasn’t interesting enough to warrant me playing through to try and get additional endings. Literally all that happens in the game is that you get yelled at by Madeline, buy her some snacks, read haikus she wrote about being fat, have sex with her, and then you dream about her doing sexy cosplay. It’s evidently more focused on being silly than being sexy, with lines like “her thighs give a ‘joyful division’” and options to quote The Smiths’ “Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others.”
The verdict? Positively unsexy. Though to be fair, it’s free! And if you have a fetish for force feeding mean goth girls, this could be a hit with you. I ain’t judging.
Love Sucks: Night One
Every night, you are tormented with wet dreams that take a twisted turn. Two beautiful women come to you to suck and fuck, and everything is all good and fun until they suddenly start draining your life force! You wake up and try to figure out what this nightmare could mean. Is it connected with the two girls in class you have a crush on, Jan and Anna? Oh shit, they’re asking you out on a date! What could go wrong, right? There’s no way they’re actually a vampire and a succubus, right?!
I had the opposite reaction to this as I did with College Whatever, because almost immediately I was treated to gay sex between a woman and a succubus. Thank you for that. Finally, a game for me! The player character is a guy, but his BFF is a lesbian who gets a few fantasies herself. I’m hoping future installments give her a little more action.
I actually really enjoyed this one! The story is only about 2 hours long, but it’s packed with tons of gorgeous CGs and some genuinely erotic moments. For once, I did not find myself awkwardly laughing at the events unfolding before me – it was kinda hot, actually! The porn to plot ratio was pretty impressive, too. It knows you’re there for some tiddies, so you don’t have to wait too long before you get some nudity, but it also had amusing characters and a legitimately interesting storyline.
It’s amazing that this is being offered for free, honestly. From what I understand, Art Witch Studios had released this as a sort of beta to get community feedback for future chapters and it seems like they beefed Night One up with features after hearing from players. It’s only partially voice acted right now, so I’m wondering if more audio content will be added in the future. At the time I played, there was also a note that they were still working on a “girl mode” as well. But even if they’re still working on adding more, Night One still has a quality that rivals many of the VNs available for sale.
The verdict? Sexy and good! You can’t go wrong with a porn game that has a minigame about feeding a cat. And did I mention it was free? I will for sure be wishlisting Night Two!
Well, with these three, I think my Steam Deck is sufficiently broken-in. I did download at least ten other free 18+ games, but I would like to play something not-porn for a little while.
Actually, I’m taking a break to play Fear and Hunger, an indie horror RPG I found in the Adults Only section that is surprisingly good. It’s a roguelike where you play as a character trapped in a dungeon. It’s really difficult because if you, say, step on a rusty nail in the castle, you can die of an infection unless you bonesaw your leg off. I love a game that addresses the dangers of tetanus! And if you bonesaw a limb off, you lose some character stats and abilities, so you have to be really careful.
Why was this in the Adults Only section, you ask? Well, you can also fuck people in it in order to worship the goddess of sex. It’s not really supposed to be sexy, though…I necromancy’d a corpse to have ritualistic sex with it, and now my character has transformed into an “abominable marriage of the flesh.” And almost all of the monsters you fight have throbbing dicks and get visibly aroused inflicting you pain. AND you meet a clan of cannibals who feast on human flesh while sporting massive hard-ons. It’s pretty gross, but effectively frightening! I’m having a lot of fun and have already killed a god in it!
Anyways, stay tuned for some more thrilling accounts of JENN PLAYING PORN GAMES THAT SHE IS NOT THE TARGET AUDIENCE FOR!!!!
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“You don’t have to jerk off to off-model titties!”
I always prefer on-model titties. LOL!
If I were 20 again, I just know I’d have an Only Fans page.
I’m not sure about being sucked off by a vampire. Erection is caused by being engorged with blood, so I can see why a vampire might want to go there. Still, wouldn’t the blood loss immediately zero things out? (I know I’m being a stickler for accuracy…)
I never really thought about that…you’re right, even the vampire would probably find that it’s all over a little too quickly lol