Why do I willingly do this to myself?
Why am I choosing to subject YOU to this?
While I’m perfectly content with my own fresh set of killer wheels, I still can’t manage to curb my never-ending desire to continue scouring the web, searching for other people’s idiotic customizing mistakes so I can talk mad shit about them on the internet. It’s kind of my job, really.
If you are unaware, there is a Part 1 and a Part 2 to this thrilling trilogy, and if you need a moment or two to brush up on those, go ahead and check ’em out (but be prepared to possibly throw up in your mouth a little). Soak in that amazing magic, we’ll be waiting for you right here.
Welcome back! In this third edition, I am sticking to an abridged and heavily shortened version where my normal intro to this sort of thing would be. I’ve decided to condense everything for the both of us.
What I place before you is a list of some of the ugliest hand-crafted second/third/tenth-handed superbikes you can buy for hilariously exorbitant prices. All of my listings are focused on one specific model, the Suzuki Hayabusa, which is a terrifying monster of a machine that can slingshot you to from a dead stop to 60 MPH in under 3 seconds, utilizing a mean-as-fuck-all 1340cc motor that spits out 178 angry horsies. It’s a helluva kick in the dick, and a rather expensive kick in the dick to boot.
The engine, drivetrain and electronics are engineered to near-perfection from the manufacturer, but there’s a disturbing amount of people that want to take that $14,000 investment on a perfect machine and fuck it sideways. Why would they do this? What is the point? While we have desperately attempted to answer these questions for quite some time, none of our scientists have really figured it out yet.
In my recurring series, I only focus on specimens of Hayabusas that someone has personally ruined beyond any sense of recognition and are currently attempting to shamefully unload on eBay or craigslist. I know that if I wanted to, I could just do a Google Image Search for “custom Hayabusas”, and could easily find page after page of results of appalling vehicles that folks are depressingly proud to own. Instead, I personally prefer showcasing ugly-ass bikes that are currently for sale on the market instead of showcasing (and shitting all over) people’s prides and joys. I think it’s funny whenever someone is desperately trying to sell something they completely fucked up and are trying to pass these doomed projects off to the next sucker using descriptors such as “custom”,”amazing”, or “plz don’t go over 20 MPH, k no lowballers”.
Without any further ado, let’s just dive right into another delicious edition of Shitty Hayabusas For Sale!
6. Salvage Title + Salvage Body Kit = Savage Tribal
What we have here is one of the cheapest running Hayabusas you can find pretty much anywhere in the country! This delicious cream puff is available on Denver craigslist for the rock-bottom price of only $2,000! It’s a sweet deal, and it only has around 10,000 miles on the odometer to boot!
Revel in the obnoxious noise of what is basically a straight header that exits right at your foot, sending those hot exhaust gases and unburned fuel directly up your pantleg for your breathing pleasure. Every man, woman and child dreams of one day being that light-headed cowboy who reeks like a old spilled gas riding around on motorized version of a Juggalo’s Sunday dress shirt.
Why Would You Want This Ride?
Three words: this bike is cheap, cheap cheap. This would be a great bike to learn the basics of burning out, wheelies, stoppies, and the value of good protective gear. This is basically a monster bike that you can thrash and trash to your heart’s content and not feel too terribly bad about. No matter how bad you fall over and get crushed by this giant thing, any damage you sustain will do nothing but improve the overall look and aesthetics of this bike, which will ultimately end up bringing up the value.
What You Should Expect:
This classy tribal ride comes with a salvage title, and I’m sure the guy who duct taped this beauty back to life isn’t going to go into any sort of detail divulging the extent of the damage that occurred. Any part of this cycle could be dangerously damaged and poorly repaired, but you would fail to notice these problems because you are too preoccupied with those bitchin’ tribal graphics. Even though this purchase won’t initially murder you or your pocketbook too much, you might have just purchased a bike that desperately needs 12 grand in parts and repairs. If you are feeling stupid and don’t care about how your bike looks, pick up that roulette ball and let fate decide if you are indeed too stupid to live.
5. MO’ SWINGARM = MO’ MONEY
“I don’t like these factory graphics and vinyl lettering, so lets strip those. Let’s paint it a flat color”
Yeah, it’s hard to fuck up basic black. Looks bad ass now.
“Let’s add some gold accents, wheels and lower the suspension a few inches”
Dude, this bike looks like something that 1970’s Burt Reynolds would own!
“And, it NEEDS a 12 foot long swingarm. For you know, like, reasons and stuff”
Nice work, man. Let’s go drop by the Louvre later and smear a poop mustache on the Mona Lisa while we’re at it, you fucking moron.
When I was browsing this bike on eBay, I was actually salivating at the photos of this bike until it the sales shots began to pan out to showcase the side profile. I still don’t like or understand the appeal of these fucking extended swingarms. By doing this dipshit modifiction, this guy just took a terrifying demon of a motorcycle and turned it into Blinky’s Fun Club.
Why Would You Want This Bike?
This bike could be desirable because literally everything else that has been done to this bike looks incredible. If you could locate a stock swingarm, chain, gears, brake lines, and all the other parts to de-stupidize this, this bike could actually be saved. Determining if all of that work sounds like a fun deal is completely up to you.
This bike also comes with an alligator skin covered seat, and that creature had to die specifically to protect your testicles from being burned by sitting too quickly on a sun-heated bike seat, Mr. Belvedere.
What You Should Expect:
As long as you can keep people from looking at it from the side, this wouldn’t be too terrible of a bike to own or ride around. The only problem with riding it around with 50 feet of empty space between the tail lights and the rear tire is that the ride, power, balance, braking, speedo, and turning characteristics are all completely fucked.
You will also learn the value of good riding gear with this bike too, as the doing the most basic of maneuvers will end up with your ass becoming prime real estate for all the skin that’s going to be getting removed for all those skin grafts you are going to need. Just let me know when you buy this, so I can make you a T-shirt that says “70% ASS”.
4. The Super Soldier Sticker
Here’s another example of a some new paint and mild custom work, that on the surface doesn’t look too terribly offensive to the senses. While this bike has an ugly set of wheels, the gloss black and smoked signal lenses are actually quite pleasing to the eye. This bike also features a five dollar vinyl sticker saluting our troops with a rousing quote thanking them for their service. I suddenly am so proud to be an American after reading it.
So this has a single color paint job, shitty looking wheels and a 5 dollar sticker from O’ Reilly’s slapped on the side of it. How much do you think this Denver craigslister is looking to be earning from the fruits of his blood, sweat, and sticker-pressing fingers?
uh, 12 grand?
THIS GUY IS ASKING FOR $27,000. TWENTY SEVEN THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS FOR THIS BIKE!!!
Why You Would Want This Bike?
While the price tag is going to be prohibitive for pretty much everybody, this seller attempts to back this up the value of this bike with a photo of a tiny plastic trophy and this bike squished sideways into a parking space at the flea market. There’s no zoomed-in close up shot of this “trophy” either, so it might just have “YOU’RE WINNER!” or “BEST PAPERCLIP SCULPTURE : 2005 OFFICEMAX-OLYMPICS” engraved on it. This guy is betting his entire sales pitch that this trophy is clearly the best part of this deal.
What You Should Expect:
I don’t know what you could possibly expect this to be, your dumb ass just paid $27,000 for a fucking sticker.
3. One Ring To Rule Them All
The best part of all the Lord of the Rings movies was when the Hobbits started nude oil wrestling at the mouth of the volcano in Mordor locked in a life-or-death battle against that balding CGI Muppet. This was an epic struggle, but they came out victorious after they finally chucked the grinning Muppet into the magma.
This bike is lot like that: It’s a greasy cinematic climax atop a fiery mountain that’s so good that you end up losing a finger in the process.
Ok, no bullshit, I absolutely loooove this fucking thing. The chrome everything, the bejeweled handlebars and the LED lighting is so over the top that it sends every pleasure sensor in my brain into overload. This bike looks like something that is so legendary that it should be added to gnarly van murals alongside the long-bearded wizards and pegasus horses.
But ha ha, the joke’s on you because it’s a Kawasaki ZX-10R instead of a Hayabusa, and it’s currently sitting at $9,000 on eBay in North Carolina. Pick up a Panther’s backpack or something while you’re there getting it for me.
Is it considered “low class” to start a GoFundMe to try to raise funds for something like this? Because deep down, my heart is telling me that it is totally ok.
2. Bruce Lee’s Sombrero
I don’t know what to lead this entry off with, other than the fact that some people have more money for airbrushing than they have brain cells. I don’t even know what the hell is going on here. There’s a ton of crazy noise painted all over this bike, and I think I see Bootsy Collins, David Carradine, and Bruce Lee poorly painted among the all the flames, lightning bolts and jazz hands. The cherry on top of this bike is the giant “SHO ‘NUFF” in a font that is so jarring to the eyeballs and poorly placed that it looks like it says “SNO WHITE” or possibly “SNO NUTS”. I really hope this paint job was some sort of debt payment to the guy who owns the bike.
Oh yeah, and the other side of the fuel tank has Bruce Lee sporting a sombrero.
I’m not sure what the current asking price is for this bike is, but I can guarantee that no matter what the starting bid is set at, it’s probably asking too much.
Why You Would Want This Ride?
If you like David Carridine, poorly airbrushed portraits, shitloads of lightning and moronic gigantic swingarms, then I can already detect you’ve already left this site and have begun furiously hunting down this eyesore on eBay. To be honest, I would be surprised if this bike appeals to anybody but the person that already owns this.
What You Should Expect From Buying This:
You will probably be asked about ten times a day why why Bruce Lee is wearing a sombrero, and asked at least twenty times a day what the hell is wrong with you.
1. THE MAGA ‘BUSA
Here it is, the bike that warranted a third edition of this series. This is a glorious bike that requires a you to put your hand over your heart and give it your full unwavering attention whenever it crosses your path. This is a machine that is covered in nothing but American Flags, Constitutions, and crying bald eagles. This bike has a sound system installed by the instrument cluster, but it only plays a midi audio version of the National Anthem followed by the Spice Girl’s Wannabe on a permanent loop.
It is a sight to behold, it is a machine that’s truly more American than America itself. I’ve spent several minutes staring at the above photo trying to figure out where the gun racks and the holders for the prescription bottles of oxy tabs are supposed to be. Those mounts are probably on the other side.
Why You Would Want This Bike:
Because there’s nothing more American than taking one of the fastest, meanest of Japanese bikes and covering front front to back in flags and eagles. If you DON’T ride around on this thing wearing your finest pair of American flag parachute pants, you’re basically a criminal.
What This Bike Says About You:
You ride this, and all you are telling the world is: “Build the wall, lock her up, don’t tread on me, and FOX News is a great place for information and intelligent discussion”.
Be aware that this bike was previously owned by a MAGA-tarian, so there’s bound to be more than a few mechanical issues like coolant in the gas tank, gasoline poured directly into the muffler, and it probably has the same oil in it that it had when it left the dealership. If you somehow manage get this bike up and running properly, you should immediately run this into a brick wall at 90 MPH in order to “own the libs”.
Hopefully you enjoyed Ugly Hayabusas 3. This will probably be the final edition of this series, unless some moron is selling a General Lee-themed….. (checks Google)
See y’all again really soon!
Teh Ben is a right-cheek-only butt model and aspiring sandwich artist. Follow him on twitter and try to convince him that extended swing arms are cool (so he can put you on block).