You may remember (from my blisteringly fast publishing schedule of 3 articles per year) that I recently wrote a hit piece featuring the most questionably customizable motorcycles on Earth, the Suzuki Hayabusa. It’s one of the faster production bikes you can buy directly off the lot, and there’s a huge amount of aftermarket support available for these bikes to let your creativity run both equal parts stupid and wild. It would also seem that this particular bike somehow changes the chemistry inside your brain- It convinces you when it comes to modifying your Hayabusa, there’s never such a thing as a “bad idea”.
This time around, this article is going to be a little different in format. All of these entries have been cherry picked over the course of a month from the derelict depths of eBay Motors. This means that I don’t have any current information on any of the street values or sale prices of these jaw-dropping bikes, in case you were really hoping to score any of these as a sick joke or otherwise. With that in mind, I am just going to break it into a few key categories to keep my list moving along like a hideous hunk of metal wrapped and duct-taped around 1300 cubic centimeters of pure Japanese blast furnace.
To start this all off, let me begin by showing you a real world example of a tastefully modded Hayabusa before I begin shoveling loads of rancid shit in your general direction. I just want to prove to you that crafting a nice and unique ‘Busa is totally possible, and I’m not just Old Man Yells At Cloud.
The example above this text is one bad ass bike. This looks like the kind of bike that Robocop would ride en route to a crime in progress, and in the middle of chasing down (or shooting) the suspect (in the balls), Batman would swoop down into the parking lot and steal this bike from right under his nose. I’m not sure if both of those fictional characters would ever exist in the same universe, but this motorcycle should definitely exist in both fictional worlds.
The classy grapefruit wedge wheels, the attractive/professional aftermarket lighting and the free pink water bottle make this a must-buy in my book. There’s no stupid tribal patterned vinyl stickers anywhere, and the solid black everything adds an aura of bad-assedness that permeates every inch of this brutal machine. See? These bikes can look one-of-a-kind and still be cool!
The following 5 bikes exude the exact opposite of this monster.
5. 17 Feet Of Swing Arm
Fucking around with the swing arm, in my opinion, is one of the ugliest modifications you can do to any bike. Not only does it look like absolute shit, but it can also be one of the stupider things you can do to put yourself in completely avoidable danger. Widening the wheel base and chain length screws up the center of gravity, speedometer reading, brake balance, and the amount of useful traction that the rear wheel is able to transfer onto the pavement. This lovely swing arm looks like it was completed as a 7th grader’s shop project final. I can say, with confidence, that this particular student got held back a grade.
Custom Work: Fancy spray-canned chrome parts, homemade extended swing arm, custom wheels (single plate disc brakes on the front and rear, too), Badge/graphic removal, alligator skin seats, side mirror removal, and mismatched paint job. Safety was clearly this guy’s first and only priority.
Best Modification: Chromed oil cap
Worst Modification: Free nazi helmet.
What This Bike Says About You: When you tool across town on this giant crimson swing arm with a motorcycle attached to it, you feel important. Like, soon-to-be-an-organ-donor-important.
4. ThunderCat NutSack
A fresh coat of paint is the easiest way to class up a somewhat dingy older vehicle. However, when you base your visionary paint job off of the stretch pants from the Real Housewives of New Jersey, you might not end up with the greatest results. You have to admit that even though this ended up looking like some sort of sexual ritual offering to Tony the Tiger, this guy behind this definitely didn’t half ass anything. The print extends all the way across both the seats, and there’s a even a gnarly giant growling tiger head graphic on the windscreen. I wish I would have gotten more pictures of this stupid thing before this auction ended because from every angle, this bike is ridiculous as fuck-all. This has to be the most embarrassing way to run a quick errand to the supermarket that has ever been conceived.
Custom Work: Dumb paint/seat paint, aftermarket wheels, custom dual exhaust, orange painted headlights, photos taken with a 1/15 of a megapixel camera, frame sliders and three Topps baseball cards clothespinned to the wheel spokes.
Best Modification: Nifty valve stem caps
Worst Modification: Free leopard print nazi helmet
What This Bike Says About You: “Girl, hop on the backseat so we can ride over to my house where we can spend the rest of the afternoon thumbing through my disturbing amount of homemade Cheetarah hentai. Thundercats HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
Girl: “I think I’m happier waiting in line for this root canal, thanks”.
3. The Machine of Mystery
Whenever I think of the free candy van from Scooby Doo, I picture an old rusty creepy GMC cargo van that is not only slower than hell, but it also breaks down every half hour. Not only is the outside of the vehicle visually offensive, but on the inside, that machine has also been the host of multiple cartoon-based orgies. If you learn anything from this article, I hope it is this: never, ever shine a UV light inside the Mystery Machine unless you feel like throwing up your lunch everywhere.
The Mystery Machine of the 60’s is slow, rusty and stops running whenever a guy in a rubber mask jumps directly into its path. Why would you ever decide to turn your 1300cc superbike into a homage of any part of this? It boggles the mind.
That being said, I will say that the color palette matching for the paint is pretty cartoon accurate, and the character airbrushing is actually done pretty well. It was a weird (and bold) choice to go with the grabbing goblin on the tank right where your junk will reside every time you ride this thing.
Custom Work: Oddly themed paint job, extended and chromed swingarm, braided brake lines, custom exhaust.
Best Modification: Built-in navigation and ghost tracker
Worst Modification: Orange on blue anything makes Jesus weep.
What This Bike Says About You: “I would have gotten away with this stupid paint job if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!”
2. The Cream Puff
There’s “ugly”, and then there is “so ugly that lepers will walk up to your bike and offer you condolences” ugly. That’s about the easiest way to sum up this disaster of a bike in a single sentence. All of the moving parts, no matter how great or small, are covered up by gaudy giant plastic cowling that serves absolutely no purpose other than making even the most basic matters of maintenance impossible. I hope that the rear tire never has a slow leak, because there’s not a damn thing you can do about it, you dumb bastard.
Custom Work: Not sure, (there could be anything underneath all that bondo shit), swoopy paint job, another alligator had to die to make that seat.
Best Modification: Chromed shifter peg
Worst Modification: Having to ride this anywhere in public
What This Bike Says About You: “No, my bike DOES NOT look like what happens when the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man blows a load!”
Sorry buddy, but it does.
1.Gangster’s Paradise
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
This popped into my eBay feed literally the day after I posted the first edition of the Ugly Hayabusa series. This existence of this bike warranted a second version since I refuse to let something this insane go unnoticed or unpunished.
What we have here is a mechanical monument to all 2 of the greatest gangsters of the 20th century. On the right side fairing, there is an airbrushed version of Al Capone: notorious tax evader. On the left side of the bike (not pictured) is an airbrushed John Gotti, who was another even more hardcore evaderer of all things taxable.
This bike is gloriously stupid in every imaginable way. Just step back from it and breathe in some of that idiocy that is so thick that you can taste it. Hint: It tastes a lot like Circus Peanuts and sadness.
Custom Work: Insane paint, custom exhaust, custom seat, “bullet holes” on every fairing bolt, secondary swing arm, aftermarket grab handle.
Best Modification: Cool stator casing
Worst Modification: Custom stitched seat proclaiming that “Gangsters Never Die”. Um, I hate to be THAT guy, but both of these dudes are very, very much dead.
What This Bike Says About You: “History class was clearly not one of my best subjects”.
Well, that does it for this edition. I hope that you found it to be both eye-raising and eye bleach-inducing. Mark my words, if some assclown ever decides to sell a Make America Great Again themed Hayabusa, I can promise you that there is going to be a third entry in this series. This hypothetical MAGA bike is probably not going to be in best of shape, as the current owner will have certainly tried refueling it through the muffler. Repeatedly.
Until then, keep both the wheels firmly punishing the pavement, and continue watching out for people who can’t be bothered to pay attention to where their 4,000 lbs of metal and children is going while they struggle to operate Facebook messenger.
Speaking of that, I’m still accepting applications for my vegan eco-friendly Whole Foods-sponsored motorcycle gang on my personal Facebook business page.
And, just on a friendly note, you can’t use “Asparagus Water” as your gang name because that one’s already been TAKEN, beyyyoooootttch!
You can find Teh Ben on Twitter, and you can patronize him with some delicious downvotes on his YouTube channel. He has an Instagram too, but he has no idea how any of that works ‘cuz he’s old.
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