I have finally come to terms that I am definitely a fan of sport bikes now that I’ve put over 10,000 miles on my Katana and spent 10,000 hours playing Ride2 on my PS4. Whenever I’m out riding and I stop for fuel or a take a wrist break on mountain roads, my brilliant blue bike still manages to turn heads and inspires conversations with all different sorts of randos. While my Katana is certainly a looker, I can’t help but feel that I’m finally ready to take that next big step and purchase a (slightly) bigger bike.
Pictured above is the turbocharged Kawasaki Ninja H2, which (after bypassing ECU limits) is capable of reaching speeds that will literally make racing-rated tires spontaneously combust. Last week I attempted to take one of these $35,000 dollar beauties on a test drive while I was visiting a Kawasaki dealership. They laughed at me as I was told they have all sold out already for this model year. Even though buying an H2 and commiting suicide by exploding fireball isn’t technically my endgame, I am looking to pick up something with a tiny bit more piss and vinegar inside of it than my current bike. I want to find a sleek machine that packs just a little more punch and carries a little less curb weight to give me more confidence when navigating twisty mountain roads en route to the casinos to play Gremlins Adventure Penny Slots.
I’ve decided that I’m in the market to purchase any bike in the 750-1000cc displacement range, with a deep affinity for the “classic” Japanese sport bikes of the 1990’s and early 2000’s. These self-imposed limitations make shopping around an absolute pain in the ass, but sometimes an extremely specialized hunt is half the fun. My only requirements for my dream bike is that it has to be a curvy, fully faired sportbike completely decked out in screamin’ fluorescent angular decals. Most of the bikes that fit this criteria were crashed 20 years ago as they sped away from the dealerships. Most classic sportbike survivors in this current day and age tend to look like depressing Frankenbikes that are cobbled together with mismatched cracked body kits and fairings.
In my exhaustive search, I’ve utilized lots of different apps and tools to spread my search net far and wide in hopes of crossing paths my white whale. I lurk around every morning on Facebook Marketplace, Google, Letgo, and craigslist refreshing the exact same searches every single day hoping that eventually the right bike will suddenly materialize within 500 miles of me.
I recently discovered that eBay Motors has a sportbike-specific search, and this avenue has shown me (so far) the best selection of collectible donorcycles that are being sold in the best condition. While perusing the beautifully preserved examples of vintage CBR’s and ZX9’s, there seems to be something sinister lurking in the shadows, like one of those mutant toys from Toy Story.
As these anomalies continue to pop up in the search results, one cannot help clicking on them and falling down the rabbit hole. These twisted hot messes of questionable paint schemes and unchecked customization all seem to be centered around one particular model, the Suzuki Hayabusa. These superbikes are already mean as hell when they roll out the factory, with stock models pushing 176 hp with a 2.6 0-60 acceleration time. These are monster bikes that are not here to fuck around. Do not taunt Hayabusa.
(Note: The 5 examples spotlighted in this article were all found during this week, instead of from a collection of oddities curated over the course of months. I’ve added direct links to the auction pages if you feel like calling me out, but with this being eBay, sooner than later most of these links probably won’t work.)
Here’s some of the freakiest ‘Busas I stumbled upon this week, listed in order from the WTF factor score I’ve given them, starting with some seriously butt-fugly paintjobs, eventually transcending into burning dumpster fires of complete madness. See? I told you I was freaky.
5. Tribal Forest Fire
WTF Factor – 3/10
Located in Canoga Park, CA.
Asking price $12,500. Here’s the auction
If you clicked the auction link above, you may have noticed that this is the first listed auction that has been closed already. That means somebody willingly made the decision to buy this thing and is probably sitting on it in a parking lot filled with nothing but buyer’s remorse. While I actually approve of the color choice of fuchsia on grey, I definitely disapprove of pasting it onto the bike with the exact same generic tribal tattoo design you had inked onto your bicep in 1993. The loud paint scheme screams “Yes, this IS indeed a cheap replacement fairing kit from China!!”.
And that’s most likely the case here, as this motorbike has less than 1,700 miles on the odometer and comes with a salvage title. A salvage title is the scarlet letter of vehicle sales, and it means that this bike has been crashed in such a spectacular fashion that it was completely written off by the insurance company as a total loss. I feel bad that some idiot bought this previously crashed 15 year old bike for the equivalent price of a very tasteful, well equipped Kia Rio. To add insult to injury, this bike comes with an obnoxious paintjob that they will never be able to find a matching helmet or gear for.
As far as stupid mods go, this bike is tame and mostly stock. I would hope at the very least that the crumpled frame has been straightened out, but there’s no mention of this being accomplished in the three sentences of the sales pitch/description. The only obvious modification I can see is a slip-on Yoshimura exhaust pipe that is only great for making an obnoxious farty noise. There’s no mention of any other work done to the bike or if it has had any basic maintenance done to it. Cheers to one lucky owner!
4. The Nu-Metal Easter Egg
WTF Factor: 4.5/10
Located in Canoga Park, CA
Asking Price: $12,500. Here’s the auction
Wait a second…This bike photo has the same background, the same asking price AND IT’S LOCATED IN THE SAME CITY? Yep, it’s another custom ‘Busa from the exact same crazy person, as if you couldn’t tell that already from the artistry of the tribal flames done in finger paint. This paint job is actually worse than the previous entry due because 1) pastel colors, 2) the flat matte finish, and 3) the same boring stencil used for every tribal flame painted poorly across the entire bike. I like most customized vehicles and that sort of self-expression, but to me this bike only screams “I love Easter ALMOST as much as I love Disturbed”.
And just like the first bike, this bike has low miles on it and it too has a salvage title, which will certainly not help you when you decide to resell this thing and get back anything close to the $12,000 that you paid for it. This bike is an investment on par with the GoJo Hands-Free Cell Phone Headset.
The only “mods” are exactly the same as the grey version, featuring only a stupid aftermarket slip-on exhaust and eye-jarring frame sliders. I guess they wanted to make sure that this one-of-a-kind artwork is kept immaculate as this bike is likely to get double salvage titled in a guaranteed crash when motorists see this bike and throw up inside of their cars, losing control, aiming for this ugly bastard.
Update: It also looks as if this bike has been purchased as well! I bet the lucky new owner (who does clown parties for children) looks like a total boss on this thing.
3. The ‘Roid Ragin’ Ladybug
WTF Factor: 5.5/10
Located in St. Louis, MO
Current Asking Price: $18,995 (0 bids) Here’s the auction
Here’s a stunning example of a bike that is probably worth about $9,000, but the seller is shooting for the moon with a highly fictionalized pedigree and price tag. The seller starts their pitch with “This bike has had over $50,000 dollars worth of modification done to it” but don’t list a single specific modification or name brand part anywhere. They also assure the buyer that this was “at one time owned by an NFL player” but fail to mention who this mysterious player could possibly be. If I was a betting man, I’d put my money on it being previously owned by Blair Walsh, except I already know he tools around in Minnesota on a purple Vespa with streamers taped onto the handlebars.
The deep orange/red paint is pleasing to the eye, but painting fake holes in the frame exposing a fake engine and fake mechanical parts is beyond fucking stupid. They should have just actually cut holes in the bodywork instead of painting on pretend holes and parts, saving time and some of that “$50,000”. While I think some of the aspects of the paint job suck, I actually like the overall look of this bike and would happily ride this beast around town. As far as keeping with the “owned by an NFL player” prestige lineage, I’d just put a seventeen year old girl on the back and pretend to be Mark Sanchez.
As far as custom work goes, this bike has clearly had some work done to it. The bike is nowhere close 50 grand modified, but there has been a lot more work done to it than the last two examples on this list. The muffler and exhaust are completely hidden, and the back end is really clean with smoked tail signals and lights. Every visible piece of metal is chromed and the extended swing arm isn’t over-the-top stupid. Out of all the Hayabusas on this list, this one’s my personal favorite. I refuse to put out a bid on it, however, because if I had 20 grand to burn I would buy that Frankenstein ZX-9 up there and go gambling with the leftover $19,000.
And, to buck the trend going on in this article…this bike actually has a real title!
2. TRON Cycle (Guy Fieri Version)
WTF Factor: 8.5/10
Located in Jacksonville, FL
Current asking price: $28,000 (0 bids) Here’s the auction
This magic of this bike can be summed up in one word, “Why?” All of the sleek muscular lines of the original design have been utterly destroyed by an attempt to make this bike into a replica of a crushed Miller Lite can. Once again, the bitchin’ 90’s tribal pattern returns as the paint to the forefront as the theme du jour. This abomination of a superbike looks like it is the terrifying offspring created from a three-way between Pin-Bot, a Pontiac Aztek and one of Guy Fieri’s T-shirts. Donkey Sauce everywhere!
The seller claims this bike has been on the cover of several magazines and won countless awards at shows. This means this bike has barely been ridden at all, as getting even the tiniest scratch would keep it from winning all those sweet plastic participation trophies. This bike has spent most of its life wasting away inside a temperature-controlled garage, so if you want an ugly bike to show off in your garage instead of riding, you’ve hit the fucking jackpot.
This bike is so modified that it can’t even be distinguished as a Hayabusa (or even a basic motorcycle) anymore. There has been so many stupid and ugly mods done to this bike that it looks like it will collapse in on itself at any given moment from the gravity of its shame. It looks so mismatched and lowered and off-balanced that I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking it to speeds higher than I could reach on a skateboard. The 14 foot long swing arm does a spectacular job of making the bike as long as a ’69 Lincoln and probably rides with the same stability as a toddler inside a washing machine.
30 grand? Sorry, but if I was dumb enough to spend that much cash on a bike, I’d just buy myself that H2 and treat myself the most amazing funeral you’ve ever seen.
1. The Incredible Hulk’s Penis
WTF Factor: 11/10
Located in Ontario, Canada
Asking price: 27,045 American (0 bids) Here’s the auction
What’s big, girthy, veiny and green? No, it’s not the Jolly Green Giant’s dick, it’s the NASCAR themed bike for Interstate Batteries, you sickos! The owner says it was signed by number 18 as well, and I think it’s pretty rad that Peyton Manning took a break from folding pizza boxes to sign this thing. For an asking price north of 25 grand, you think the seller would have put more effort than a single sentence into the description. .
This bike has a unique double-tube swing arm and has very clean lines, despite the strange choices in artwork direction. I really like this shade of green, but for real, all that lightning looks like veins, people. What on earth possessed you to with green on red on checkered? What are those canisters hanging on the back for? Why is a flaming Swatch painted on the side? There’s just too many questions to process with this thing that I just don’t care about any of these stupid fucking bikes anymore. Buy it or don’t buy it. If you wanna fly around the town like Aladdin clinging onto a giant green dick, you do you.
This bike has a clean title and costs $27,000 American which is $187,000 in Canadian, so I hope you brought your really big satchel with you.
If anybody is looking to unload their 750-1000cc bikes, please don’t hesitate to email me. Please.