Matt’s Smut Vault Vol 1: Cheap Pulp, Old Porn

Editor’s Note: The following books and images were deemed “too hot to handle” by the mainstream nerd community. With good reason as you’ll soon see, these books should never have been written and should never have been read by our staff. Proceed at your own risk…

On a crisp, calm Saturday in early Spring, a plain brown package was left on my front porch. The discreet packaging and handwritten address could only mean one thing; my dirty books were here! Long ago, a mysterious benefactor from out west made mention of finding some of their old “smut” in a storage locker and (for some reason) figured it would find a good home with me. I didn’t ask for any details but was assured that I’d find the contents interesting. Let’s take a journey together and peruse a bit of the old world, exploring eroticism before the age of high speed, high definition pornography.

<opens box>

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…oh…

Well…uhhh, these are interesting covers. How did people find 90s era porn erotic? Everyone looks so fake….and is that guy wearing nipple rings? No matter, these are clearly just “file photos” used to vaguely spruce up the general tone of the story. None of these titles appear to have authors, at least none that would admit to writing such things. But yes, the CONTENT is what matters here and ummmmm, wow…that’s a lot of incest. Ok, “bull by the horns” time, let’s dig in here and see if we can keep an open mind.

Uncle Duke

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If you’ve read any of my previous writing contributions, you’ll remember that generally I’ll always look to read erotic fiction out loud to my wife. At first, I had planned to do the same with these selections. I was quickly rebuffed however. How quick? Well if you’re scoring at home, we made it six words into the first sentence…of the first chapter. “My uncle had the biggest prick <wife throws in towel> that I’d ever seen.” My friends, it appears this has become a solo mission. My wife’s no prude, but this certainly wasn’t going to meet her tastes. I can’t say I blame her. Normally this is where I’d describe the story and tell you why you might like to read it. I can’t bring myself to do that here. It’s gross, it’s horrible, and maybe it should be illegal. Chapter 1: teen girl is raped (her words) and reprogrammed into a willing BDSM sex slave by the aforementioned uncle….and her father. Yes not to worry, no matter your preferred brand of in-family fucking Uncle Duke and his merry band of fornicators will have something for you. Uncle, father, mother, mother’s friend, they’re all getting in on the fun and taking us along for the ride. The story turns into some sort of lesbian thing towards the end, but I can’t make any sense of it. If you like it, I’m sorry, you should be in jail. I can’t even think of anything witty to say as a closer, so I’ll just let our teen hero wrap it up in her own words.

“All I’ll say is go out and do your own parents, as soon as possible.”

<upchucks everywhere>

 Daddy’s Training Program

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Need to give credit where it’s due on this one. First of all, the choice of an illustration over a generic porno picture sets Daddy’s Training Program apart from the pack. Second, and most important, we see the genre written in plain English in the upper left-hand corner. Gay Incest. I love the honesty here, it reminds me of the old Meow Mix commercials.  “Gay Incest: so good, pervos ask for it by name!” Needless to say after Uncle Duke, the bar is set pretty low here for an entertaining story. Maybe this time, we’ll tackle the incest issue with a little more prestige, a little more class.

Anyway, Daddy’s Training Program introduces us to Richie, the hottest boy in his high school. Sure, he could have any girl he wanted, but what he really wants is dick……oh and his father’s dick specifically.

-sigh-

My friends, I’m struggling here. To my mind this story takes place in a dystopian universe, a universe beyond sexual identification, beyond family. None of these characters are engaging in the exercise of sexuality. None of them are associating these acts with being gay, or straight, or bisexual. These people are engaging in mechanical, constant, shameless screwing, only for the sick benefit of the act, and the power that comes with such an experience.

-slams book down on table-

You know what? I can’t do this one anymore, there’s just nothing here redeemable, nothing honest. Hell, even a true crime novel would have some level of interest into the human psyche. No-no, that’s it, just…cut to a commercial.

<walks off>

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Hi folks. If you’re anything like me, you’re tired of male masturbators that only do HALF the job. You slide your dick in, and then what? Nothing! You’ve paid top dollar for what those other guys call “the best” cock sleeve on the market…but who’s gonna stimulate your shaft and get you to climax? You? Your neighbor? Those fat cats in Washington?! Well good luck. No sir, you need the all new Jac-O-Teaser. Simply plug the Chinese manufactured 2-prong AC plug into a 110 volt outlet, stick your penis in the exposed opening and throw the switch. What could possibly go wrong? Simply send us a check made out to cash and we’ll mail you a brown inconspicuous package.

 

Hi, I’m back, sorry about that. So, I’ve done a bit of soul searching and I don’t think “Brothers and Sisters” is going to make the cut here. Call me a square if you must, but I don’t think we’re going to break any new ground with me getting angry again at another incest book. Besides, I feel dirty even holding these things, and not in the good way. Any moment now Detective Munch and Ice-T are going to break down my door and take me downtown for questioning. But don’t fret, dear reader, we shall persevere. We still have two more books to go, and I’ve got a good feeling about “The Neighborhood Bed” and “A Cheating Wife.” Yes, greener pastures and clean, family approved smut ahead.

 

The Neighborhood Bed/A Cheating Wife

 

 

Alright, fine. These stories don’t really matter do they? You can’t possibly be looking for a pointed, clear-cut review of a Florida neighborhood, featuring horny teens and the cougar that turns them all into men? Or the creaky houseboat floating majestically in the bay, that holds enough wife swap parties to be granted historic monument status, can you? Well, either way I guess I just told you everything you need to know. Compared to our little incest yarns, these novels are fucking Shakespeare. It’s filth, sex, and fornication, but not the kind that’ll make you want to shower for three days and consult a priest. These final two novels are a guilty pleasure. But in 2018, there’s so much MORE here. These books are trying to tell us something.

When I picture a dime-store pulpy adult novel, it’s books like these that immediately come to mind. Just start with the covers, they’re so…PERFECT in its dreadful old-world way. The lettering of the title, the phone sex ad on the back cover, I’m simply taken back to a fuzzy memory.

A small store of the east side of town. You take the book off the cheap wire rack display, clutching it tightly hoping not to look too undignified in the “XXX Peepworld & Bookstore.” You hand the efficient looking Armenian immigrant proprietor the $3.50 and slip back to your home. You rush and hide in your room for a few hours and go on an adventure. These are the stories that induce your pubescent teen hormones into imagining what sex must really be like.

You’d think there really are “neighborhood cougars” with perfectly manicured bodies and loose morals looking only to stamp your card into adulthood. Maybe out there there’s even an anything-goes houseboat, were the cool adult swingers live out their lives in luxury. To some young people, this was the American dream long before any commercial with Tom Bosley or Henry Winkler could tell us different. These novels are the backbone of society…the very parchment they’re printed on holds the same worth as to the United States Constitution! The Magna Carta of Vice! The Gettysburg Address of-

<book falls open to the last page>

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Huh….um, well, on second thought……

 

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Follow Matt on Twitter we promise he has better more wholesome interests than this

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