Ugly Hayabusas Part 6: Sex Sells (Shitty Bikes)!

Sorry for the long lapse in the continuing saga featuring the worst customized motorcycles put up on everyone’s favorite auctioning site! It might seem like all these deranged Hayabusa owners finally took a break from using Go Go Katamari! for inspiration for creative motorcycle design, but that’s not the entire story. For the longest time, I have been putting in so many hours at work that my brain gets turned into applesauce by the end of the day, making me lack any desire to craft new dick jokes. Now that I’ve been placed on lockdown, I have all the time in the world to troll the custom Hayabusa community to my heart’s content. Nothing warms the heart like happy little death threats you can read through while enjoying a delicious breakfast.

Pictured: the inspiration for every bike on this list

Most of the Ugly Hayabusas featured today are structured around an actual theme. This theme is based on a disturbing trend I’ve noticed across the entire spectrum of sellers on eBay: getting a busty friend to model for your product. You’d think I was bullshitting you, but I’ve seen quite the range of products wedged between attractive set of twins, from N64 games to seventy year old Viewmaster slides.

Feeling unloved? Ladies just can’t seem to control themselves around 1962 Viewmaster slides! Only $299.99!

This sexually charged sales tactic has been gleefully adopted by the used vehicle market as well. What better way to get your ad to stand out from the rest than getting an attractive lady friend to suggestively pose atop it? In theory, this might sound like a tall order to bring to fruition since a lot of these people are weirdos, but it turns out there are more Instagram “influencers” looking for freelance work than you’d think.

With that exhaustive intro out of the way, let me quickly run through what I try to achieve with this column. I scour craigslist entries and eBay ads looking for the stupidest and ugliest Hayabusas you can buy using your PayPal credentials. The Suzuki Hayabusa is a brutal and vicious machine that pushes the boundaries of speed and sanity, but for some reason they also drives novice bike builders to whip out the old glue gun, spray paint and bedazzler machine in a sad attempt to stand out. This is my little spot on the internet where I make fun of folks selling these mistakes on the open market. In case you need a primer, check out Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5 to get a feel for exactly what you’re getting into.

Without any further ado, lets just trot out the crap. What might be one man’s trash, is probably another man’s… well, trash.

6) My Motorcycle is Also My Coffee Table

Asking Price: $10,000

Florida, 2007 model with 3,500 miles

Here’s an ad that will appeal to you if you ever got a boner for the Captain from Gilligan’s Island. Dressing up your paid Instagram model in a nautical theme is unique, and in every one of these pictures she looks like she is mere seconds from tipping over and getting trapped under the bike. Being crushed by garbage is so fuckin’ sexy. It’s even sexier than that filthy fucking room in those mirror reflections.

While the overall vinyl wrap isn’t the worst thing we’ve ever seen here, I still think it would look much better with cleaner, defined edges instead of that EXTREME ELECTRIC SHOCK style graphic pattern that would look more at home on a Angry Birds slot machine. There’s a really loud teeny tiny muffler tip on this bike, which would be pretty helpful for alerting folks whenever there is an Instagram model pinned underneath it. Altogether, it’s a pretty unoffensive vanilla example of a bike, even by our Ugly Hayabusas standards. I’ve just using this example to highlight a pathetic grifter’s attempt to weasel 10 grand out of a 13 year old bike with a $30 wrap job.

Not thirsty for brunettes, bro? I also have a blonde model in my Insta mentions too! She was smart enough not to go inside this creepy guy’s house under any circumstances, which means she’s still alive. R.I.P. Gilligan’s Island captain lady.

This bike has low miles considering the year, but there could always be underlying damage that has been concealed by this hack graphics job. The owner swears it’s never been stored inside the garage, and only kept inside his living room. This is a pretty impressive feat seeing as how he lives on the third floor of his apartment complex. Maybe he might ride it more if he’d take it outside every once in a while instead of using it as a nightstand/coat rack. I have a sinking feeling that going to buy this bike will get you in the news, but as a missing person investigation.

5) 1/4th Simba

Asking Price: $10,000 (lol)

Texas, 2014 model year with 6,000 miles

While this bike lacks a scantily clad lady as a prop as window dressing, it makes up for this lack of sex appeal with style. A style that’s nothing more than completely mismatched parts slapped together haphazardly like some kind of tiger cub breeding farm. Sorry, but I was contractually required to work a Tiger King reference in there somewhere, folks! Now streaming in HD on Netflix TODAY!

This spectacularly bland bike is mostly black, with a red fuel tank and seat covers. If you look at this bike from the side, you can see a flares of flames coming from the front, but that just means there’s a nifty surprise waiting for you! This machine is nothing more than a reverse mullet: all business in the back, party in the front. SPOILER ALERT: Them sweet-ass flames are actually the mane of a mentally distressed lion!

“kill……me….”

If you look closely at this sad bike, it becomes obvious the only “modification” (other than the Frankenstein inspired parts swap) is the really unsettling airbrush job. It’s hard to tell if the lion is scowling, smiling, or just terrible Bane cosplay. Is the giant triangular headlight supposed to be the lion’s nose? That has to look embarrassing as hell whenever it’s illuminated, (which is an achievement in itself) since it looks this stupid when it’s parked. If you’ve got ten grand laying around and don’t mind riding around on a mismatched advertisement for Frosted Flakes, consider this to be your lucky day.

4) (Colorblind) Wrapper’s Delight!

Asking Price: $15,000

Pennsylvania, 2007 model year, 8,000 miles

“WTF” written on something has never been more accurate. The seller for this bike assures you that it is “priced well below actual value” and “fuck you deadbeat bidders”, which means this is probably the 50th time this bike has been listed. While this bike is lacking in insane modifications, this seller went all in and had TWO ladies pose on this bike! Maybe it’s a last ditch attempt to try and convince some poor buyer that an orange and green motorcycle will finally get you the same kind of three way you’ve been spicing up all your Rescue Rangers fanfiction with.

Speaking of color schemes, this one can’t get any uglier than the use of these two colors together. The green is supposed to be “slime” and the orange is supposed to be either “worm bodies” or “crunchwrap supreme” (is there a difference?). No matter how you slice it, you couldn’t get an uglier paint job if you were forced at gunpoint to finger paint a portrait using only materials found inside a port-a-potty. Both of these colors are about as appetizing as taking a guided tour through the plant where Golden Corral gets its meat.

According to the seller, this bike was a promotional vehicle used to advertise WTF Magazine. Yeah, I’ve never heard of it either. This is what happens when you spend your entire ad budget on the dumbest possible billboard imaginable. If this bike somehow strikes your fancy, I’m sure it’s still listed…..yet again, but I’m not sure if they will let bid on items from the confines of your asylum.

3) Yet Another Fucking Joker Themed Bike

Asking Price: $10,500

Virginia, 2005 model year. 9,600 miles

It’s kind of crazy that every bike (so far) has hovered around the 10k mark for price, despite all of them having varying years and mileage. Usually there are a couple where folks swing for the fences and list their ‘Busas at the same price as a used Porsche. This is about as far from a Porsche as you can get.

Instead, this bike focuses on the overdone-to-fucking-death Joker(tm) theme. I don’t get the correlation myself, but I have seen multiple unicorn ZX-7R’s on craigslist sporting shitty homemade “HA HA HA” graphics. I don’t understand the fixation, but ruining a perfectly good bike to show you love a sociopathic murder clown is the easiest way to tell the world how one-dimensionally boring you are. Seriously, I’d have more respect for you if you were sporting a (shudder) Juggalo Bike.

Anyways, this bike is a lovely example of Joker/idiot love, and the seller doesn’t bullshit around with detailed descriptions. If I was in the market to buy a $10,000 bike from a rando on eBay, I’d hope the entire description was listed with a bit more depth than:

“2005 Custom Hayabusa, it’s even more impressive in person”

That. Was. The. Entire. Listing. I’d think the seller should have come clean with the really poorly placed artwork depicting the Joker during different phases of decomposition, but that already speaks for itself. All your favorite versions of the Joker are represented on this bike, preserved for the posterity for all to enjoy. There’s Ledger Joker, Nicholson Joker, Leatherface Joker and Buttafuoco Joker. You’re sure to find your favorite one placed randomly somewhere on this sweet ride, likely between some bitchin’ spikes.

While the questionable style choices in custom hardware are icing on this disaster, I have to admit the custom gauge cluster is fucking gorgeous. It’s too bad this diamond-in-the-very-fucking-rough modification is trapped between two chromed dildo handlebars. Why so serious?

2) Look Ma, I’m Barebacking Death!

Asking Price: $19,000

New York, 2011 model year. Unknown mileage

This is yet another example of why you shouldn’t craft your custom bike with ideas stolen from Glen Danzig’s Pinterest page. This entire bike is a mess from top to bottom. I guess it’s supposed be a physical representation of the Reaper as he flies around delivering Grubhub orders. I don’t know how clinging to Death’s ass doggy style is supposed to strike fear into the hearts of anybody. Is this a metaphor, somewhere along the lines of “Death can’t get me if I’m pegging him”? Sometimes, I guess it’s best not to dig too deep into a work of art of this caliber.

This lovely bike is covered from top to bottom in “custum fiber glass” (sic) and there are bones and horns and all kinds of random crap jutting out from every possible angle. The headlight has been replaced by a glowing skull, which means if you ever decide to drive this bike at night, surprise! you’re already dead. There are exactly 2,450 skeletons, ghosts and demons painted on this bike, and one fuzzy little bat, spread eagle directly atop Death’s noggin. That cute lil’ fella wasn’t mentioned anywhere on the liner notes of Judas Priest’s Painkiller.

This bike also has a killer soundsystem that must make all that fiberglass garbage rattle around like nothing else. People won’t fear the Reaper anymore since he can’t hurt you if he’s in the middle of having a seizure.

1) Blinky The Clown

Asking Price: $18,000

Florida, 2007 model year, 16,000 miles

I don’t even know where to start with this prize winning bike in the “Mosaic of Shit” category at a flea market bike show. There’s just so many bad choices in play here that it feels unfair to focus on only a few things.

The seller assures us that “over 20k was spent on paint” which means they overpaid a sandwich artist somewhere around $19,923 dollars. This bike has a $5,000 stereo system that is perfect for bumping the theme song from Bubble Guppies to impress everyone in your biker gang. We’ve got flags, eagles, skulls, eyeballs, paisley patterns, jellyfish and ninja stars on this beautiful bike. Every one of these questionable choices are semi-translucent, so whenever you turn on the underride lighting, all these magical works of art come to life! But mostly it looks like a Christmas tree that was fished out of the dumpster behind Dollar General.

Even if you can get past the eyesore paintwork, there’s other dumb modification choices at play that are associated with all the hallmarks of amateur hour Hayabusa fuckery. You’ve got all of the usual suspects: extended swing arm, rear tractor tire, no muffler and all the rest of that jazz, it’s almost like everyone has run out of ideas for customizing bikes since this has all become commonplace shit. We’ve finally turned the corner to where leaving your bike stock is rarer than joining everyone else in building the same butt ugly bike.

Just don’t fuck around with THAT Hayabusa model, as she’d kick your ass into next week. This is one of those times the girl pictured in the photo is ten times tougher than the bike that looks like it’s been decorated by an alcoholic Tinkerbell fanatic.

Now that I’ve got more free time on my hands, maybe I will start combing the pages of eBay again, looking for another worst set of Ugly Fucking Hayabusas. It’s become an institution! I’ve become a huge hit on reddit!

Hmmmm….nobody is selling ugly bikes anymore due to coronavirus?

Shit! (secretly very happy tho)

Tehben is still looking for an affordable copy of Conker’s Bad Fur Day and a custom bidet that sprays out Stolichnaya. Follow his rants on Twitter, watch him get wounded on his YouTube channel, or just look at his photos on that photo site thing.

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