It would seem that this last winter finally proved the actual existence of an offseason as far as coked up mechanics crafting the shittiest motorcycles in existence are concerned. For some reason these amazing magicians, armed with nothing more than a combination wrench, a couple cans of spraypaint and crippling colorblindness decided to hibernate during the winter of 2018. This is my only explanation for such a long drought of garbage motorcycles for sale, which in turn affects the frequency of these articles.
In case you are new here, you can back out right now and go check out Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4 to get an idea for what I like to do here in this particular column. I talk some real shit… about some really ugly bikes…. that sadly, really are for sale to the general public. Be sure to bring your Paypal credentials, since almost all of these wonderful bikes are still available for immediate purchase (even though my special “brand” of advertising never gets me a cut of the sales for some reason). I’m just not going to bother posting the actual links, as they tend to disappear the second I hit “Publish”. If you really want any of these turds, you’ve gotta jump into the bowl headfirst and hunt them yourself, you fuckin’ turd burglar.
You might think I’m lying when I say this, but I actually dig the Suzuki Hayabusa, and would even consider getting one as long as it retained most of the stock features. It’s getting harder and harder to find an unmolested example of one of these on the used market as everyone is in a constant war to out-idiot each other whenever it comes to these bikes. What makes these mistakes extra funny is whenever they regretfully decide to put up these personally “crafted” eyesores for sale, hoping that someone is stupid enough to drop 30k on a salvage title bike that looks like it should double as a camping toilet.
…..and that’s right about where I come in!
I mock the shit outta these things, which could very well be the reason that so many of these disappear from auction for a while and then suddenly get re-listed again on eBay several months after I’ve published one of my hit pieces. Did your hideous abomination meet my standards for ridicule and send both you and your shit rod into hiding? It’s actually happened a few times, and I’ve even gotten actual “cease and desist” emails from the Salvage Bike Reselling King of California! As it would turn out, when it comes to Hayabusas, I’m kind of a big deal.
But enough about me already, let’s take out the trash!
7. The Barf Bag
This is one of the single most beautiful things I have ever witnessed over the course of my lifetime, and I’ve been present at the births of all twenty of my children. There’s no complete photo of this bike in this eBay listing, so you’ll just have to visualize the bigger picture yourself by mentally combining all of the photos into a mosaic like a martian rover if you want to fully visualize this amazing ride. This method was obviously a very smart (and deliberate) strategy by this seller: By not showcasing the bike as a whole, you can’t really have a full understanding of how terrible all these little modifications look when they are all superglued together into a Frosted Flakes themed shit pinata.
What’s Hot: The sweet spirographed tribal mess and airbrushed tigers are always going to be considered classic, and the really uncomfortable looking handgrips are a breathtaking modification. The helpful life lessons, “REZPECT WHAT U FEER” painted on the fuel tank really give you the proper inspiration to regrettably wrap yourself around this embarrassment.
What Sucks: Tigers are cool, but painting Sigfried and Roy’s entire career all over your bike could be considered to be a little overboard. Painting the windscreen with a giant tiger face is also a matter of personal choice, it’s just unfortunate it was a white tiger that had been inbred with its own immediate family for far too many generations. This bike also has some really bad undermount lighting that showcases and highlights every eyebrow-raising choice in artistic direction. The main artistic themes of this bike are the bleakness of the tiger-filled universe, bad fortune cookie messages and the kind of clothing that the band Disturbed wore in the early 2000’s. This bike comes with a few sheets of fake tattoos, a makeshift tiger stencil, and is a total steal at $13,000!
6. Garfunkel: The Ride
Now before you get all shitty in the comments section, I am fully aware that this is not a Hayabusa, but is a GXS-R 1100 which was Suzuki’s precursor to the Hayabusa. These are very sexy bikes with plenty of historical value, that can still rip up the roads with the best of today’s bikes, except that non-destroyed specimens of the 1100 are becoming rarer and rarer as more technical school dropouts get their hands on these.
So what is a future custom Hayabusa owner to do with a rare, exceptionally well-kept classic sportbike? It’s most important to completely fuck that shit up ASAP and adding notes to that crayon-littered blueprint for how you really wanna fuck up that salvage title ‘Busa you’ve been lurking on Facebook Marketplace for the last 5 months.
What’s Hot: This owner kept the original stock paint color and vinyl scheme, which makes this bike really catch your eye, that is, until you take a closer look and then suddenly realize this is an absolute shit show.
What Sucks: Of course, the biggest eyesore of this GSX-R is…. (drum roll)… is none other than the fucking extended swingarm made out of a discarded futon frame, of course! These heavy bikes already aren’t great at taking on curvy roads aggressively in their stock form, and extending the drive wheel even further away from the bike makes it practically impossible to turn right or left from a stoplight. It’s hard to believe this bike was kept in such immaculate condition for almost 25 years, and then made completely unrideable in anything other than the most basic straight line. This bike also has practically straight headers for exhaust, and since this is bike is running a four barreled carburetor with no back pressure, this thing is gonna be barfing out tons of unburned fuel out of those pipes in order to stay running. Not only are you gonna look like stupid as hell riding this wobbly thing, you’re also gonna smell like shit too. This hacked up mistake can be yours for the starting bid of $17,000 on eBay….
5. Lisa Frank Having an Aneurysm
Did you ever have a sweet Trapper Keeper in elementary school? I did. It was covered in rainbow colored dinosaur bones riding a surfboard, and it was still less embarrassing than this bike. Of all the custom paint jobs I’ve seen on these bikes, this one is the most offensive to my eyes, and I lived during the fucking Eighties. The angular stripes have no rhyme or reason, and I would put money on the notion that this entire design was done freehand, while blindfolded.
What’s Hot: You can carry a set of highlighters under the seat for any emergency paint touch-ups.
What Sucks: There’s a lot of things that are wrong with this bike, but it was really nice that they decided that an extended swingarm was not needed, which at this point is an amazing feat of self-restraint. This motorcycle is the combination of two critical design elements: exploded unicorn and the remains of Lisa Frank after having an embolism after eating an entire dry cleaner bag full of mescaline. Bidding on this joke starts at $29,000, so this bike could potentially be repeatedly listed on eBay until late 2060, when it can finally be cross-listed as an antique. Not only does this bike not have any storage for supplies, it can’t even organize any of your folders by subject or utilize any at-a-glance periodic table information, either. This is the perfect motorcycle for you if you happen to be Jem or the Holograms, or just really love cocaine.
4. Because The Schlitz Bike Has Been Done Already…
Some confused alcoholic made this sad 175 horsepower temple dedicated to the finest grade of cheaply blended Canadian whiskey: Crown Royal. If this guy made a Jack Daniel’s bike, I wouldn’t give a shit because Van Halen’s Michael Anthony repped that crap for decades. I would even have a slight amount of respect for someone who would craft themselves a Jim Beam based ‘Busa. It’s hilarious that this person decided to put so much work and effort into a bike that praises the only brand of whiskey that comes in a cheap little felt bag and tastes like a shot of paint thinner cut with the stuff you spray to kill hornets.
What’s Hot: This bike comes with two fire extinguishers!! You thought that was NOS? If this bike happened to catch on fire, I’d completely ignore those extinguishers and just sit a safe distance away, playing that sad Paul Walker song from Fast and the Furious 7 on my phone as it melted into a puddle. While it might seem that I am sad on the inside, I’m actually overjoyed because my puddle of Hayabusa just went up 300% in value.
What Sucks: I really, really hate to break it to this guy, but this entire idea fails miserably since Crown Royal’s trademark color, might just possibly be …purple? It comes in a purple box, has a purple label, and is put INSIDE A PURPLE FELT FUCKING BAG. Why the fuck did this guy choose to go with blue paintwork? The sound of straight headers herald your arrival 20 minutes before you even arrive at your destination, so everybody has plenty of time to hid from “that one drunken asshole on the clown bike”. This guy even had custom 3 spoke Royal Crown rims milled specifically for this bike, and I bet the same machine shop made 4 spoke Popov Vodka wheels for his bitchin’ 1996 Ford Taurus. Grab this amazing bike for a hilarious display unit at your bar for just under $14,000, or you could spent that cash on 8,000 bottles of The Canadian Treat, which also means that you will also be the proud owner of 8,000 little felt baggies (which would be cooler than this bike, anyways).
3. Toddler’s Training Wheels
I get it, the allure of a high powered sport bike is a temptation that is hard to ignore. It’s even harder to sate this hunger if you don’t have the coordination or skills to handle monsters of this caliber. Even I would be a little skittish and Sunday-driver careful when perched atop a bike that can hit speeds upwards of 170 MPH. But this particular bike is not your average Hayabusa. This bike has been custom built for a rider has no riding skills whatsoever. This turns like an ATV, which means that the bars are turned for steering (as opposed to leaning to turn), which means any change in direction done on this thing must be done veeeerrrry slowly and carefully or else it’s tip-over city. Hitting any terrifying speeds on this homemade tricycle would be cool, but only after you’ve upped your life insurance policy. It’s not for me, but I guess some people dream about buying a supersport bike that can’t turn or go fast. These same people probably complain that the mayonnaise on their Baconnator is “too spicy”
What’s Hot: The paintwork is relatively unoffensive, and looks mostly tasteful except for the choice of mauve accents.
What’s Sucks: If you bought a Can-Am for the “three wheels because I have the balance of an 80 year old man” reason, it would probably suit your needs just fine, because that was what it was SPECIFICALLY ENGINEERED FOR. This homemade version is clearly not, and strapping an untamed beast of a motor to a wobbly version of a soapbox racer is never a great idea no matter who you are. If your balancing skills are already that questionable to begin with, you might have some problems when you have to lift your own body weight off the pavement in the near future.
2. In Loving Memory of Yakoff Smirnoff/Dom Deluise (???)
If you love gimp suits, boy, have I got the bike for you! Every leading edge of every part is completely covered in leather and pop rivets. Even the brake calipers are encapsulated in their own little tiny gimp suits, and the rotors are little ball gags! I had no idea that the dude who had an entire stand-up routine that only used those “In Russia, _______ you!” jokes would be beloved enough to be painted across an entire motorcycle! I didn’t even know that dude was dead, to be perfectly honest with you.
What’s Hot: Aww yeah, this bike won a prestigious Rat Fink award! (Is this guy a janitor?)
What’s Not: After hours of inspection (and the utilization of several focus groups), I think I may have figured the mystery of this paint motif out. From all the visual cues sparsely left on random body panels (and that giant sniper rifle), I would fancy to guess this is, in fact, NOT comedy legend Yakov Smirnoff, but instead a poorly painted tribute to Bradley Cooper’s portrayal of Chis Kyle, who was America’s Sniper and may not be the greatest dude who ever lived. Say what you will about a how awesome a guy who killed people from a mile away with little remorse can be, but instead of idolizing the actual person, this dude instead chose to go with airbrushing Bradley Cooper portraying Chris Kyle instead. That would be like wanting to commemorate Apollo 13 astronaut Jack Swigert on the side of your van, but deciding it’s cooler to go with the Kevin Bacon version instead. Maybe this guy just really likes the chemistry between Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. I wonder which one wears the gimp suit?
1. Mr. Bones’ Wild Ride
This is the end-all, be-all greatest dick punch of a shitty Hayabusa ever crafted by human hands. This disaster is a testament to the never giving up on your dreams, especially when you run out of Cabbage Patch Kids to glue onto the side of your bike. There’s no solid theme at all to anything going on with this therapy conversation starter. This bike is adorned in skulls, bird claws, Japanese letters, American flags, spikes, Burrito Supremes and dachshund skeletons. These all come together to make a truly disturbing machine that can make children weep in terror (and embarrassment) at a single glance. To put things bluntly, this bike looks the end result of a pinball machine getting an abortion.
What’s Hot: This is the biggest fucking mess of different ideas haphazardly thrown together, which means you might find something you like on this motorcycle.
What Sucks: The entire fucking thing. I have nothing nice to say about this, except that this is a motorcycle you can use as an example for disproving the existence of God in a heated debate. I can guarantee that the rubber chicken finger fenders flop hilariously around as you ride, and that’s the least idiotic thing about this bike. There’s another extended swingarm that houses a rear tire that was taken off of a tractor. There are spikes jutting from every panel, frame and part, which means you will look really stupid if you crash and are immediately killed because you were impaled by your own bike. That ninja turtle glued to the gas cap acts as a tribute to turtle power, and is also a powerful theft deterrent. Okay, I made that last part up: If somebody willingly stole this bike, I’d kick the shit out of them- not for being a thief, but for having such abysmal fucking taste. This bike is currently on the block with a Buy-It-Now price of $24,999, which is exactly $24,478 dollars too much. Good luck, and happy bidding!
I sincerely hope you enjoyed this foray into the darkest depths of human depravity and outright insanity. Join us next time (I really hate having to admit that there will be a “next time”), as I scrape even further down the barrel for even worse bikes that are guaranteed to completely destroy your faith in the human spirit!
Teh Ben is our resident motorcyclist and is currently trying to connect his Texas Instruments Ti-99 to the modern internet so he can surf 8chan using BASIC. Yes, he’s equal parts maverick and dipshit. Be sure to follow his Twitter, Instagram and laugh at his YouTube Channel.