Sexy Flash Games: A Eulogy by Jenn Coulter

Surely, we at TehBen don’t need to tell you that 2020 has been a rough year. You know it. We know it – we wrote a whole dang article about it. And as if all that pandemic junk wasn’t bad enough, the final nail in the Adobe coffin came December 31st when Flash browser support officially ended. While there have been efforts to preserve a few beloved Flash sites such as Homestar Runner and Newgrounds, there is one filthy corner of the ‘net that may very well be lost forever: the Flash sex sim.

Kill me.

You know what I’m talking about – the type of games that are advertised on pirate websites that are like, “YOU WON’T LAST 15 SECONDS PLAYING THIS GAME.” These games are for the horny deranged fools who simply cannot jerk off to regular porn of real people. They’re for the people who want to click a few buttons and then unlock an animation of Lois Griffin bouncing on a weirdly colored penis. And, admittedly, they’re for weirdos like me who think it’s funny as hell that a game about fucking Lois Griffin even exists.

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At best, these abominations are likely doomed. Though the horny deranged fools aren’t going anywhere, this new technological era has developed new and more efficient ways to simulate having sex with cartoon characters and aliens. PornHub now has a frightening amount of video game POV porn, so society no longer needs to rely on 2D Flash animations of a nude Crash Bandicoot. Any ol’ hobbyist can load up character models and make them have an orgy these days. On top of that, VR tech has made it so you can pop on a headset and enjoy a sex simulation that’s far more immersive than clicking on a dialog box that says, “I want to fuck you, Sonic the Hedgehog.”

Let us take a moment to remember some of the finer Flash sex simulations. May they live on in our horny hearts.

These 3D Ladies Wanna Fuck-fest

Do you like your women to be realistic, but you hate real women? Well, fear not! There was a whole subgenre of Flash sex game that let you woo uncanny valley PS2 models! 

Oftentimes, these games were a bit more elaborate than others and had some actual storylines. I mean, they weren’t good storylines, but they were storylines nonetheless. Rest in peace to games like Daughter for Dessert and the aptly named Sex Sim

Thankfully, my favorite of these seems to still be playable  – a free visual novel called Dating Ariane that my weirdass teen self used to play with friends at sleepovers. It was both hilarious and surprisingly difficult – you could actually be rejected by Ariane and get slapped in the face. It looks like the site has a lot more phishing advertisements these days, though… hold on, I gotta run my antivirus real quick.

The Alien n’ Furry Fuckfests

Mayhaps your taste is a little more exotic. You want to fuck some aliens or possibly a tiger woman. Understandably, the more standard forms of pornographic media can not satiate these desires. You must look to Flash games for satisfaction.

Animation can make your wildest dreams come true, and the early Flash animators clearly knew there was a weird void in the porn market that only they could fill. There were a ton of furry sex simulators out there, as well as games where you would romance big tittied aliens.

Let us say a prayer for lost comrades like the infamous Legend of Krystal – apparently, this is still playable, but with updated graphics. LAME! I want them to look like they were made in MS Paint, dang it! Let us also say a prayer for my browser search history, for obvious reasons.

Intellectual Property Theft Fuckfests

Here is the most sacred of the Flash sex game genre – the ones that are just straight up breaking as many copyright laws as possible. I remember when sites like AddictingGames did not vet the Flash games that were uploaded, so that innocent kids like me would click on something labeled Naruto and then suddenly be assaulted with stuttering animations of Sakura sucking Shikamaru’s dick. The 2000’s were a weird time to be online.

There were a lot of games where you could bang Princess Peach, Star Fox characters, Sonic characters…there were so many Sonic the Hedgehog sex flash games, you guys. They ranged from joke parodies to legitimate explorations of inflation fetishes. We have lost a cornerstone of Sonic sex culture when Flash support ceased.

Let us also take a moment to mourn the loss of other weird bootleg games like Elsa Goes To Dentist For Cavity In Tooth and Barbie Dental. I’m not sure if those were a fetish thing or not, to be honest. I can at least understand why Flash sex games exist, but the deluge of Disney dental surgery simulators will never make sense to me.

Here is hoping that 2021 will be free of sinful material like this, and all Flash animators will turn to the Lord now that browser support has ended. Amen.

Follow Jenn Coulter on Twitter and check out her awesome anime blog!

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