COLORADO SPRINGS, CO- Last Thursday, In N’ Out Burger announced plans to finally start opening restaurants in Colorado, with operations based out of Colorado Springs. In N Out in Colorado has never a real possibility due to not having a supplier within reasonable distance to their restaurants. In N’ Out plans to build a massive “slaughter-dome” 25 miles outside the city limits to grow, feed, and grind up the millions of cattle that are destined by the stars to become tasty Double-Doubles.
A processing and distribution plant is the first step to opening several stores along the Front Range. The first Colorado In N’ Out will be in a new shopping development at the corner of Interquest Parkway and Voyager Parkway, next door to the recently abandoned T.J.Maxx.
The first store will be a brisk 45 mile drive from Denver, which is a welcome alternative to the seven hour journey through Utah wasteland.
In the wake of this surprising news, a sizeable group of In N’ Out fans have begun to congregate at the planned location of the new slaughterhouse. The group anticipates massive consumer demand once the chain opens the first eatery, and they want to make sure they get as many “animal style” fries as before going back to the end of the line. Once the plant becomes operational, they plan to follow the processed meat to the all the way to the restaurant in order to be the first customer in Colorado to buy the first genuine Mile High Double-Double.
“I’m serious man. I can’t believe it’s finally happening, man. I’m hopeful, but I don’t even see any building equipment around here. Am I on a hidden camera show or some shit?” asked Mike Jones, an In N’ Out enthusiast. “Stick close to me, I know the secret menu, bro” he assured me.
“The last time I had In N’ Out was right before I passed out naked in the bathroom at the Excalibur. I can still taste that amazing burger and honestly, it was the only part of Vegas I remember” said retired action figure machinist Charlie Ambrose.
“I’m only out here because I don’t have shit to do” lamented Martin Dreesen, a millennial with very few employment prospects. “I can wait this out as long as it takes. I have all the survival gear I need. I have a tent, the newest iPhone, and a battery powered George Foreman grill. I don’t have any other options, really.”
He then tearfully followed up with “I’m pretty sure my mom has already converted my bedroom back into a basement bar”.
And it looks as though all these In N’ Out fans will definitely be waiting a while. The ground for the slaughterdome won’t be broken for at least another year, with the first restaurant tentatively slated to open its doors midway through 2022.