F*CK THIS PRODUCT REVIEW #1: GOJO HANDS-FREE HEADSET

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If you are anything like me, you pride yourself on your frugality.  If something can be rigged up for cheap instead of buying the hot new thing that integrates all your technology, you will find a way to pull it off for less.  One of my friends has a giant DVD player in his vehicle’s dashboard and it streams video, Netflix and makes hands-free phone calls through the stereo system.  As much as I’d love to own and operate a crash-inducing distraction like this, I just can’t justify the price of the receiving unit, the Bluetooth-enabled phone, the wiring harnesses and the Netflix account.   I usually have to lie in wait for a while until a viable cheapskate option comes along.  In this case, it arrived in the form of the GoJo Hands Free Adjustable Headset.

In several states it illegal to drive and talk on the phone if you are physically holding it up to your ear.  I travel a lot to New Mexico a lot and they are very adamant of letting you know they disapprove of this.  There’s a sign posted to not talk on your phone while driving every fifteen feet, which actually is a refreshing distraction from all the little drunk-driving death monuments that line every inch of the streets there.  I knew that if I was to go ever go back to Albuquerque without provoking the wrath of the cell phone police, I would need a hands free option.

Lucky for me, I found this product at Big Lots for $1.00.  Here’s my review of this wonderful product.

The commercial for this thing advertises itself as easy and fun, and can hold a laptop as your face as you do backflips in a cheerleader outfit.  It’s not really cracked up to be that useful.  Or useful at all, really.

Packaging: 11/10.

All of the wonderful snippets of information on the box are all lies, lies, and more lies about your mother.

All of the wonderful snippets of information on the box are all lies, lies, and more lies about your mother.

Upon receiving the product, it is entombed inside one of those horrible blister packages that are impossible to open without a blowtorch.  As annoyed as I was with that theft-deterrent packaging, the GoJo company actually improved on this terrible invention, as the back of it is perforated to open easily. They should have patented that innovation instead of this shitty product contained within. So the packaging gets a high score despite what is inside it.

Initial Attempts: .5/10.

"Captain, increase to Douche Factor Ten, please".

“Captain, increase to Douche Factor Ten, please”.

The “high-density suction cup” the headset uses to adhere to “glossy, finished surfaces” is a step down in quality from the ones used on novelty Garfield dolls inside every car in the Eighties. Not only does the suction cup not work 97% of the time, when it actually does hold the phone, it gives you the false perception that it is actually holding it, as at any given moment your phone will detach and head towards the ground at terminal velocity.  My phone dropped off my face 7 times out of 8 attempts, so you really are better off holding your phone to your ear with anything but the GoJo headset.

When I tried to ignite the lighter, I unintentionally recreated a Michael Jackson Pepsi commercial from the 80's.
When I tried to ignite the lighter, I unintentionally recreated a Michael Jackson Pepsi commercial from the 80’s.

Practicality in Actual Use: -3/10.

In the commercial, Joe Gray can answer the phone in a second, attach the phone and slip the thing on his head in one quick fluid movement. Not only is he the only human being alive that can actually do this, it must have taken him months of conditioning to be able to accomplish this feat.  For an hour, I tried to replicate this movement, but repeatedly the suction cup let go of the phone, I got the headpiece in my eyeball, missed a decent contact point on the phone, and I could never get it all together in anything less than ten seconds.

This is what a GoJo FAIL looks like.

This is what a GoJo FAIL looks like.

If you actually tried to attach this to your head while driving (God forbid) you are asking to be so distracted that you are guaranteed to crash into something, or at the very least, your phone will fall off your face and directly into that vortex of no return between the driver’s seat and center console.  If you are giving this as a gift to somebody, you are a heartless son of a bitch because this thing is an absolute death sentence if used in a moving vehicle.  It’s so bad it will definitely place highly in this year’s “Top Ten Gifts For Your Worst-2013 Edition”.

 Fashion Statement: 0/10.

This poor commercial actor blew his brains out after two airings of the commercial.

This poor commercial actor blew his brains out after two airings of the commercial.

Let’s face it.  This product has been around for a couple years already, and I have YET to see this used in public on any occasion.  Why? Because when this attached to your face, you look like an idiot/douche with a phone stuck to your face.  I tried to get some photos of me sporting the GoJo inside Chipotle waiting in line, but I was actually KICKED OUT OF CHIPOTLE for “photographing without consent within the establishment”.  The looks I got from people in line were priceless as well, but it was supplemented by me taking to the next level by faking a very loud phone conversation as well.  I was pretending that I was arguing with my probation officer over bootlegged VHS tapes.

Next time, I will take a hilarious video but I will get permission from the people inside the building first. It may be a while, however. I’m still really emotionally scarred from the embarrassment from the first attempt.

Laptop Sticky To Face Test: 1/10.

"I may look classy like this, but let me tell ya, Skyping is a bitch."

“I may look classy like this, but let me tell ya, Skyping is a bitch.”

Let’s face the truth here folks.  I weighed my phone and it was less than half a pound and it fell off the bullshit suction cup most of the time. If you actually try to attach a laptop to your face (the usefulness of doing this completely escapes me) you might as well buy a new laptop after it smashes to the ground just like your phone did.

The warmth of the processor was both comforting and ear-cancery at the same time.

The warmth of the processor was both comforting and ear-cancery at the same time.

However, I did find an alternate use for the GoJo that worked for seven seconds before covering me with malt liquor.

Thug Life.

Thug Life.

This is the only thing the GoJo is useful for.  A Mickey’s helmet.  Don’t really recommend using it while driving, however.

Final Score: 1/10.

FOUR GoJo's is FOUR TIMES the FUN! (Not really, though....it's blinding).

FOUR GoJo’s is FOUR TIMES the FUN! (Not really, though….it’s blinding).

The GoJo Hands-Free is an absolute scam from beginning to end.  Even though I paid $1.00 for two of them, I still feel like I got ripped off.  It doesn’t do anything it promises, makes you look like an idiot and will get you kicked out of Chipotle.  I’m shocked these were sold initially on TV for the low, low price of $19.99, and that cost it seems more like a combination of both highway robbery and bestiality.  Avoid this purchase at all costs, and if you are looking for something to spend your hard-earned dollar on at Big Lots, they have a superb selection of Dukes of Hazzard action figures.

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