Try to remain calm.. THERE’S A NEW MOUNTAIN DEW FLAVOR DROPPING THIS WEEK!!!!1111!!1 Mtn Dew Liberty Brew releases May 15th, replacing the much beloved TehBen.com favorite “DewS.A.” flavor. While DewS.A. was a tasty combination of three already-produced flavors, this year’s mix is a little more bold. Well, a lot more bold actually, as Liberty Brew is reportedly a mashup of FIFTY different flavors representing each of the United States to create a unified soda pop sensation. While we wait for the inevitable Soda Blog review, the lads at TehBen HQ posed an important question:
“so uhhhhh, 50 flavors…what are they all uhhh….gonna be?” -TehBen.com scholar
Naturally we couldn’t take such a well-formatted question lying down, so we setup the chalkboard, burst open the big book of USA stereotypes, and made a go of predicting a flavor that will be represented by each state. Please believe us when we are saying this in good fun. We live and love (almost) everything about America, but occasionally there comes a time to poke a little fun at everyone. Editor Ben’s personal address and specific turn-ons will be listed at the end of our list, so please be sure to direct all hate-mail his way. Anyways, on to the predictions!
50 States, 50 Flavors!
Alabama – Crystal Meth
Alaska – Halibut
Arizona – Tame Mexican Food
Arkansas – The essence of Bill Clinton (note: will stain!)
California – Thirty Dollar Avocado Toast
Colorado – Sticky, Sticky, Weed
Connecticut – Weird Financial Conservatism
Delaware – Liquified Grotto’s Cheese Pizza
Florida – Bath Salts
Georgia – Peaches blended with the ashes of Ted Turner
Hawaii – Dog the Bounty Hunter
Idaho – Potatoes
Illinois – Corruption
Indiana – Larry Bird
Iowa – Deep Fried Oreos
Kansas – Wheat
Kentucky – Bourbon
Louisiana – GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO
Maine – Lobstah
Maryland – Old Bay
Massachusetts – Those stupid Baked Bean candies that nobody likes
Michigan – Rust from all those shut down factories
Minnesota – Crippling NFL defeat
Mississippi – Week-old Faygo
Missouri – The distant 3rd most recognized pizza style in America
Montana – Far Cry 5
Nebraska – Corn Syrup
Nevada – Stripper Glitter
New Hampshire – Chowdah
New Jersey – Spray Tan
New Mexico – Bolo Ties
New York – Decaying Subway Fluids
North Carolina – Tobacco Juice and NASCAR fumes
North Dakota – Clinical Depression
Ohio – Buckeyes (the actual plant not that weird dessert thing)
Oklahoma – Brad Pitt
Oregon – Hipster Chum
Pennsylvania – Cheesesteaks
Rhode Island – Catholic Communal Wine
South Carolina – Suhweet Teh
South Dakota – Broken Treaties
Tennessee – Jack Daniels
Texas – Meat
Utah – Unfiltered Bible Sauce
Vermont – Ben & Jerry’s
Virginia – Blackfaced dumbasses
Washington – Overpriced Coffee
West Virginia – Moonshine
Wisconsin – Cheese strained with alcoholism
Wyoming – Bison
Will all these taste sensations combine to create a palatable soda pop? Check back with us after May 15th as we give Mountain Dew Liberty Brew the full Soda Blog treatment! We’ll take it seriously, we promise!
Please direct all hate-mail to our standard scorn account. Thank you.
TEHBEN.COM 
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