While sorting through the mail at TehBen HQ, we came across a very unique letter from a dedicated reader in Tennessee. Our apologies for the grammar and typos, but his message seemed too important to modify…
To whos it may concerns at TehBen.com :
Hey. First off, thanks for blowin the lid off that whole Mountain Dew thing. I always knew there was sumthing up with that clear one, and that’s why I always destroy every Wal-Mart display of that ICE that I find. They won’t even let me in the Murfreesboro store anymore, big Pepsi is killin the country what I grown up in. Figures they take the only real patriotic soda they ever made off the shelfs. Damn Hillary and her illegal soda drinkin’ communists clogging up my dry good stores.
Anyways, I reckon I found sumthin else for you boys to bust open and tell the rest of the good americans, if they’s any left, about. One day out back, my cousin Gunky and I was out plinkin’ soda cans, and makin a right mess of the wall outside ma’s chickin house. When I was cleaning up the mess, we noticed that them orange, red, and green sodaes make a right pretty color. Gunky bet me 10 bucks to drink it…and I ain’t one to back down from no wagerin’. It was kinda dirty and gunpowder-y, but I’m fixin’ to think it tasted like that Fruit Loops cereals.
Do y’all TehBen boys think you could make up a batch in yerlab to see if it tastes like we was thinking? I’d try it myself but like I was sayin’, I can’t go in the Wal-Mart no more.
Theodore “Tickly” Langhorne III
Mr, Langhorne, your sacrifices will not be in vain. Fear not, I’ve taken it upon myself to make this exact concoction in our lab. My hope is that this will give some closure to the matter the next time you decide to take Gunky and the boys out for another round of drink plinkin’. We quickly gathered the ingredients, which only exceeded our business expense budget through the the year 2025, and got to work.
This experiment should be short and sweet: a nice even mixture of classic Mtn Dew, Code Red, and LiveWire straight up in a clear glass. Our reader hypothesized that the result should taste something like Froot Loops cereal. While the fruity-sweet syrups mixed together could conceivably have a similar taste, I’m worried how much the lemon-lime of classic Dew would skew the solution. In any event, we broke out our trusty liquor jigger and attempted the classic 33% idea.
To be honest, I was a bit disappointed with the resulting color. Without any darker hues adding depth, the 33%er came out looking a bit like a glass of Code Red diluted with ice cubes. The smell however, was lovely. I normally hate LiveWire, but the orange smell was a nice balance that gave the cocktail a pleasant aroma. With a quick sip I felt another small tinge of disappointment. Much to Tickly’s chagrin, this did NOT taste much like Froot Loops at all. But really, what did it taste like? I took a sip, and then another, unable to reach a conclusion. There were different notes and hints with each sip. I jotted down some ideas with each pull:
- A bit of orange zest mixed with a touch of fresh nuclear waste
- Orange Crush and Cheerwine, with a subtle base of cooking oil
- Fruit Stripe Gum, if you chewed the wrapper at the same time
- A fine glass of sherry, cut with a snifter of old Champale
This soda was the Alpha and the Omega, both the beginning and the end. I had my wife try some as well, and she opined that it “just tasted like soda….generic soda.” I could only take this to mean that we’ve accidentally concocted Genesis itself. You could live 1000 years and not fully explore the many options this drink has to offer. The only bigger mystery was what to call it. To equate it to anything, we have to delve into the works of fiction.
Willy Wonka developed a chewing gum that could change flavors and even serve as a meal replacement, and I think that’s the line of thinking it takes to appreciate this mixture. I, however, am but one man. I could never survive as the Dave Bowman type, and I fear drinking more of this mixture will leave me as a non-corporeal entity circling the planet I once inhabited. Before this gets out of hand, let’s add one last ingredient to the mix to bring things back down to earth…
Maybe we need a little extra flavor to complete the puzzle. For round two, we went with 1 oz of the “Big 3” along with an ounce of Mtn Dew Voltage. Blue has to be one of the flavors of Froot Loops, right? My expectations were low this time, as I feared Tickly and the boys might be leading me down a false path. Not wanting to bog down my brain with complex formulas, one ounce of each seemed most appropriate.
The smell of this one…wow. The mixture of these sugary approximations to fruit filled the lab as I nervously took the cup to my mouth. The fluid bubbled almost painfully down my throat as everything began to tremble. The taste? Well at this point I’m afraid I’m starting to lose concept on what Fruit Loops ever tasted like. What did ANYTHING ever taste like? All taste bud memory seemed to surrender to this concoction of pure evil. Shortly though, the shakes lessened, and memories of days passed came back to mind. This wasn’t Froot Loops, but it was close. There was a light at the end of the tunnel, and I felt the need to press on. Soon, a mythic creature appeared before me, and all things became clear.
I have your answer. Do with it what you will.
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