In the waning days of capitalism, the working class laborers of the so called “free world” have been left with but a single vestige of democracy. This fragment? The due process election of flavors and colors of the very junk foods that are scientifically engineered to keep us in a blubbery, docile, straight-ticket voting condition. As a child I remember the election of the Blue M&M‘s far more vividly than I have any political office held in the 1990’s, or anytime since. Who’s the Vice President right now anyway? ….it’s Snickers Nuts Galore, right?
My insane take on politics aside, the snack and drink companies are constantly trying to dial into consumer’s wildest desires whenever they claim to want the public’s opinion on a new product. Or at least, that’s what they WANT you to think. When these polls are taken directly onto something as positive and uplifting as the internet, it never quite goes to plan, does it? For me, no such company (or campaign) resonates my distrust quite like the pathetically rigged Mountain Dew “DEWmocracy” roll-outs of the past decade. Every couple of years we’ve been given new choices of flavors of Mountain Dew to vote for, and somehow, we trusted the good people at PepsiCo to keep the damn drink on the shelves permanently…AND THEY NEVER DO.
Actually no, that’s not the problem. The real issue with the DEWmocracy era is how easily the process is totally hijacked by assholes on the Internet (Editor’s note: Just kidding! Everybody on the internet is already an asshole). We were apparently very close to drinking a refreshing “Hitler Did Nothing Wrong” over ice one summer….which would have been only half as embarrassing as drinking something like “Game Fuel.”
Ok, back to the actual election results. Let us ASSUME, that somehow Mountain Dew Pitch Black actually beat out Baja Blast in the 2016 election, which is of course absolute bullshit….(and the only controversial election that took place that year so I don’t know why we aren’t investigating this more). But even if it was true, Pitch Black is barely available at select locations as of summer 2018. All these campaigns and roll-outs have demonstrated to me is that Mountain Dew can never be trusted to keep a product on the shelves. Nothing is ever promised, and we should be stockpiling as much of these bizarre flavor combinations whenever they cross our paths.
Unfortunately, lack of preparation led to one of my greatest personal failings: Mountain Dew: DewS.A.
In April of 2017, Mountain Dew presented its magnum opus to the waistline-bursting public: a heavenly mixture of Code Red, Voltage, and White Out flavors gloriously packaged to somehow illustrate America’s independence in an exploding gleam of fuchsia-hued syrup. While not an “elected” flavor, (two of its components were selected in previous campaigns), DEW.S.A. served to some as a culmination and realization of the fucked-up voting antics of years past, yielding to a bright new horizon of soda buymanship.
This was the perfect soda, one that was incredibly sweet, yet still easy to drink. Gallons of mauve DEW.S.A was all I drank for the entirety of the summer of 2017, knowing full well that it was a “limited time” offering. DEW.S.A. was a clear home run in my book, and I was convinced that they would be crazy to not bring it back the next year. After all, anything this splendid earned the right to be considered a seasonal rarity, and there was nothing wrong with making this my new summer time beverage. Indeed, this was to be a ritual of the warm months, a cool drink with visits to the beach and baseball games. But as the summer of 2018 came and went, did Mountain Dew look to make my vision of a perfect future come to fruition?
Reader, they did not.
I simply could not take this news laying down. Well, more accurately, I did. For the last few months I laid down and cried that a flavor mix that was so straight forward and basic couldn’t still be profitable in today’s market. Then, suddenly it hit me: if it’s so basic, why couldn’t I just make it myself? Surely the secret formula isn’t impossible to crack, right? In short order I began to gather the ingredients and as I write this you have my solemn promise that I WILL find a way to recreate this beverage and enjoy it for as long as my immune system can fight it…
With hours of hard work, I will do my damnedest to craft some homemade DEW.S.A. I will know when I have finally cracked the American Dew secret when the skies part, bald eagles begin exploding in midair, and the only sound you hear from that point on is the solo from Lynrd Skynrd’s Free Bird.
And if it doesn’t work? Not to worry. Apparently there’s some bullshit Merry Mashup cranberry-pomegranate soda thing coming this fall that’s seriously giving me bladder cancer just thinking about it.
Check back with us next time as Matt gathers his materials and attempts to homebrew what agreeable society says is against our best interests. Follow Matt on Twitter for more great soda anecdotes and free market conspiracies.