Well, that was certainly one helluva quick year, wasn’t it? I can’t believe that I am already folding up my Down For The Count Halloween costume while trying to dig the fake Christmas tree out of storage. We have reached the beginning of the season that is defined by the endless choruses of ho ho ho’s and drinking too much Southern Comfort eggnog and making really regretful decisions. The winter holidays always seem to bring out the best in all of us, don’t they?
Optimally, I would prefer to ignore most of these festivities and keep my distance from everyone in a state of self-imposed exile. No matter how hard the introvert in me tries to hide from the crowd, I am still a parent with that must fulfill my festive expectations. Every year, I get to take part in the rotating Divorcee Christmas Relay, which is an event that is emotionally on par with getting a root canal from a broken Roomba on a meth bender.
There’s pretty much only two ways you can go about contributing your hard-earned Christmas dough in respect to our most valued holiday tradition. You can either support the retail economy by buying gifts that are 1) handmade (sweet, but crappy) or 2) purchasing the newest and most expensive electronic devices (which have been lovingly assembled by small children in foreign countries).
You can exhaust all your current and future budget, all while maxxing the outer limits of your credit and be a hero. Or you can go the cheap route and be shunned like a leper and despised by everybody in your extended family. My personal Christmas advice is to spend the bulk of your cash on your large base of children, and then use whatever you have leftover to give really obnoxious gifts to the poor bastards that populate the bottom of your list. After you’ve handed out your heartfelt bounty to everyone, it’s high time to disappear into the basement to get tanked on cheap whiskey by yourself, which is the greatest gift of all.
So I have compiled the following list of gifts that are some great suggestions and ideas this year for all the folks you have to buy gifts for that 1) have everything already, and 2) already hate you.
So, let’s all get in the proper Christmas mood by opening up the glorious animated holiday classic Rapcittie Street Kids (featuring the star-studded voice talents of Mark Hamill and the voice of Bart Simpson), crank up the fake fireplace a few degrees and get your Amazon Prime account ready to start making some really depressing giftin’ decisions!
NOTE: Gift Ideas are separated by recipient/recipient type/victim description.
For Your Sweetheart:
6 Pack of Silicone Wedding Rings
Are you planning on doing something REALLY stupid this Christmas? Are you are planning on waiting to pop the big question to your significant other on Jesus’s birthday, turning this sacred religious holiday of humanity’s savior into an event that’s all about YOU instead? Are you nervous about finally going through with it? You really should be, since you were stupid enough to give her rubber dish washing gloves and that sweet new vacuum cleaner on her birthday. We are by not fortune tellers or great dungeon masters, but we’re going to shoot straight with you here. Your current odds of attaining marital bliss in your lifetime hover somewhere around “OUTLOOK NOT GREAT with a -4 AGILITY” and “ELF NEEDS FOOD BADLY”. (English Translation: Not Good)
If you have any of the slightest doubt in your mind that she might not be “the one”, then you should be proactive and not take any unnecessary risks, like spending too much on an expensive engagement ring from a fancy jewelry store like Wal-Mart. These special elastic rings automatically profess “Babe, I love you, but not “Wal-Mart jewelry”-love you” before she even makes a decision. If all else fails, tell her that you chose to go with this rubbery symbol of love instead of going to Jared, because you’re pretty sure that guy is still in prison for diddling kiddies. If that explanation still isn’t good enough, just tell her that these lovely and functional rings also double as replacement turntable drive belts for record players. With engagement rings of this caliber, we really wish you the best of luck.
And the best part is that these rings is that they are sold in packs of 6, so if your beloved chooses to reject your love in front of all your friends and family, don’t despair: you still have 5 more chances to find true love.
FOR YOUR POPS:
SEAFOOD FESTIVAL CLAM HAT
Now, I’m a huge fan of certain sexually-charge, intensely stupid Halloween costumes, but this is simply nothing more than a simple, happy little CLAM HAT. This hat has, despite the description, has absolutely nothing to do with seafood, this is clearly a replica of lady parts. I can’t believe they didn’t just skip the bullshit and put the man in the kayak inside there. After giving this heartfelt gift to the old man, try to convince your dad that Panama Jack would totally wear this everywhere. Just be aware he might wear it out on the town with you, so be sure that your beaver hat is ready to go at all times.
CLAM HAT CLAM HAT CLAM HAT. Sorry, I just had to get that out of my system.
Trust us, your dad will love this gift. Make sure he uses this in conjunction with that bitchin’ tuxedo t-shirt, that ninja turtle necktie and the neon pink slotted glasses you got him last year. Your dad always gets the best shit.
FOR YOUR MOM:
REALLY CONFUSING JOKE MUG
I keep trying to “get” this “joke”, and after several days of pondering, it still doesn’t make any sense to me at all. I have a sinking feeling that this Yates and Franco person has never actually heard an actual joke or read a Family Circus comic in their lives. Whenever I do a Google search, I love to watch the fun algorithm choices it makes, usually picking the most depraved shit instead of what you are looking for. For example, whenever I type “Ta” into the search bar, Google immediately highlights and goes to the first result,”Taylor Swift Penis”.
See? I’m just like you.
I can’t connect what a perverted search engine full of trash has to do with having a medical degree, even in the loosest idea of comedic senses. This is a very odd thing to print on the side of a nice little coffee mug, and almost feels like a this coffee mug was the result of a malfunctioning computer trying to tell a knock-knock joke, using only cats. I can do better than even better than that method: a drunk version of me could just as easily come up with even more bizarre (yet funnier) possibilities for a mug like this. Here’s a couple ideas I came up with off the top of my head while sorta drunk:
- The Elf Lord is a dick, and he has elf crabs LOL
- There’s 100 monkeys in my brain, pooping Clearasil
- I make handmade dartboards made out of ham.
See? it’s not hard to make up some randomly-generated perplexing shit and pass it off as the most highbrow meta-joke of the century. Your mom will love both this mug and the mystery behind it. Every morning as she sips her Baileys with a splash of coffee in it, she can read this stupid mug for the 500th time and ponder what the hell she was thinking all those years ago.
FOR YOUR GRANDPARENTS:
BOX OF SMASHED-UP PRECIOUS MOMENTS FIGURINES
tehben.com, $34.99 (+Delivery FEEs)
This innocuous, yet mildly damaged box has it all!! It is a box that is filled to the brim with nothing but Precious Moments collectibles. These are those little sad-eyed, somewhat religion-centric figures that are mass-produced by the millions under the impression that someday these would be worth actual money. There’s thousands of different comforting figurines to choose from, like the praying child, the praying couple, the praying dog, the praying Christmas tree, the praying Slayer guitarist, etc. Here in our quality-controlled factory, we’ve taken 50 of our favorites and put them in a single cardboard box and have been driven around town by my drunk uncle Steve, practically turning them into the Precious Moments Sand Collection. Be sure to Instagram the moment of sadness captured on their faces when your grandparents open the box and hold up that first broken pair of porcelain hands they see. On the off chance that they begin crying in fear, just tell them that it’s a fun puzzle.
If this particular gift is too deranged for your tastes, you could always go with one of those rad custom made porcelain dolls from that creepy goth lady on Etsy. These one-of-a-kind collectibles are truly terrifying, yet still have a classic, timeless charm. They also answer the philosophical question of what would happen if Chucky fucked a toilet. I would happily post a picture of her unique wares here, but I don’t feel like jumping through all the hoops of getting the proper permission to do so. If you are interested in tracking some of those down, just do what I do when searching for anything and google “Taylor Swift Penis”.
FOR YOUR KIDS:
POGO BRICK/WEIRD SEX TOY
In the 1950’s, while researching the Manhattan Project, humanity stumbled upon the discovery of the Pogo Stick. This was an incredible invention which helped propel children several feet into the air, around 60 times per minute. They attempted to improve on this product in the 1980’s with the creation of the Pogo Ball, which imbued children the ability to leap 4 inches off the ground a few times before losing the grip of the ball and scraping their knees on the driveway. After the Pogo Ball became unpopular (which was roughly two hours after international release), they went back to the drawing board and invented the majestic Skip Ball. The Skip Ball was a wasn’t so much a pogo stick as it was a weird jump rope hybrid which did not actually add any improvements to the user’s jumping ability. The unintended results of the Skip Ball use were several fatalities due to the sheer number of bad things that can happen any time you strap a giant plastic ball onto a child’s leg. The Skip Ball clearly was manufactured with a predisposed taste for blood. We should have never taunted Skip Ball.
It would seem that the classic charm of the Pogo Stick could never be scientifically improved on or replicated…..UNTIL NOW! (cue the Shamwow guy)
My First Flybar combines the joyless work of the Pogo Ball by substituting the ball for a giant brick of pink foam, resulting in jumping heights that are about 5 times less than if you put on a fat suit and jumped up in the air under your own power. My First Flybar is also equipped with a large, sexy hollow cavity that emits an annoying loud farting noise every time it is jumped upon. My First Flybar has no solid parts for your idiot kid to hurt themselves on as they jump up and down on a small foam block that your stupid ass paid sixteen bucks for. The rumors everyone says about you are true, you are practically famous for making really bad decisions.
However, to the eye of the savvy consumer, the company behind Flybar is actually a splinter division of the Fleshlight company, and they have specifically engineered the Flybar to function as exactly the same product! (but preferably without a small child jumping up and down on it at the same time, you sicko). Have fun with the Flybar, but only when you are alone, and please remember that the Flybar is not dishwasher-safe.
Remember: “It’s Fun For Both Kids and Adults! It’s My First Flybar: The Pogo Stick You Can Fuck!”
FOR YOUR RACIST UNCLE STEVE:
SUPER RACIST MAGA KNOCKOFF LEGO SET
(Some gross right-wing Geocities site) $29.99
While this gift is technically not something that is currently sitting on the sales racks at Spencer’s Gifts, the reality of the MAGA: Build the Wall Playset is still middling around in crowdfunding hell. While this product is a fun way to piss off anybody with a functioning conscience, it’s still thirty bucks, which is equal to like a whole box of ammo, man. What really makes this overly racist attempt at a cash grab completely insane is that 90% of the children in the US already have a flat LEGO base and 60 grey bricks sitting inside a forgotten bin underneath their beds already. The only components they are missing is the extra-fat Trump minifig with Big Mac attachments and toadstool dick.
The funniest thing about this wall is that this wall actually got funded.
Once this product went live last week, the website shilling this crap and the right-wing dumbfucks on Twitter immediately began defending this as a “hilarious gag gift to own the libs”. They then also went on to defend other hilarious conservative-based gag playsets like the Duplo “Super Fun Southern Lynchin’ Set” and the Tyco “Wacky German Passenger Train Set”. I can’t really see how having this “gag gift” sitting on a shelf in your home is a display of your dazzling intellect. It is, however, something that your children can use to easily explain to their friends that “my parents are complete fucking idiots”
FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND:
TITTIES BUSTIN’ OUT TEE
We all have that best friend we never get to see as much as we like, since we get buried so quickly in the quicksand of our personal lives with all those jobs, kids and failed dubstep albums. So when you get around to giving them a gift this holiday season, it’s gotta be something really fuckin’ special. They might still be harboring a little anger at you for getting them that 4-pack of Fast and the Furious bodyspray last Christmas, so it’s best to try to bury the hatchet by getting them this sexy tank-top. This shirt features a drunken version of cityscape, but it’s being ripped apart by Tawny Kitaen’s Whitesnake video sweater puppies. It’s an extremely functional shirt that can be worn practically anywhere, but would look it’s most majestic when worn to church/Sunday school.
It would seem that this ambitious piece of clothing is trying almost too hard to be the next three wolf moon t-shirt, but a fake set of boobs tethered into an American flag bikini will never be nearly as bad-ass as three separate wolves howling at the moon. This shirt probably won’t be a viral thing, but it might if your pal chooses to model this amazing gift on his YouTube channel. Your bestie will look bestie in this, but this really is the perfect gift for anybody that is legally married their waifu pillow.
*Note: American flag parachute pants sold separately.
FOR MOVIE BUFFS:
MULEMANSHIP VOL. 1 VHS/ROCK N’ ROLL NIGHTMARE DVD
EBAY, $45.99 and AMAZON, $17.99 (respectively)
The greatness encapsulated by both of these films was too close of a call for me to make, so I’ve decided to include both of these great gifts in the video category. I am offering you two movies for the price of, well, two movies.
Mulemanship Vol. 1: Basic Training Of The Saddle Mule will help you to familiarize yourself with the basics of donkey ownership, such as what donkeys eat and how to berate them with a Scottish accent. After you master the basics, (which are carefully demonstrated with the fuzzy VHS format), you can work on the more advanced level skills like backwards-seated canyon riding and mounted archery. This video takes a rather dark turn around the halfway point, as they give an in-depth explanation of how easy it is to take your donkey show on the road to places like Tijuana. That’s when you can turn your passion for being a mastery of donkeys into a profitable career. This video is for donkey enthusiasts ONLY.
My second pick, Rock and Roll Nightmare is an idiotic slasher film that was made in 1987 with a budget of $75,000 dollars and it shows in every frame. The story revolves around a butt-rockin’ band that writes the hard rocking instrumental jams for fast food instructional videos. After a whirlwind initial success, they decide to pack up all their hair products and spandex suits, moving into a secluded practice space out in the woods in order to create the greatest instrumental jam ever. Little do they know, that the garage that they picked to live in is filled with bloodthirsty Bogglins and other assorted rubber creatures that love to murder hair metal fanatics, especially after groupie sex sessions and/or coke benders. Only the lead singer of this legendary band has the power to mighty morph into an even sadder version of himself and kill these rubbery beasts with the power of royalty-free rock music and too much eyeliner.
Fun Fact:This movie won 3 Academy Awards in 1987.
FOR MUSIC FANS:
THE BEST OF NICKELBACK VOL. 1
Every year, I try to pick a special selection for this list of what I would consider to be an atrociously awful gift of “music” for that special somebody on your list. I realize that music is a completely subjective art form, but some picks are just too easy. Nickleback is a band who is universally hated by anybody with functioning ears and their records are banned in 27 states. You knew all this shit already, but this is how I remind you.
Revel in this sad, yet eclectic collection of the lightest “rock” that the 2000’s had to offer. If you close your eyes, you can even remember trying to play these memorable songs softly over the hum of your sweet Firebird (that had expired tags) to try and impress the ladies, which had a success rate of 0%. This Nickelback compilation has all the greatest tunes the band ever wrote, and there’s a coupon inside each copy that can be redeemed at participating Walgreen’s for a small vial of cyanide, which really goes down great with hit songs like “Rockstar” and “Photograph”.
The scariest part of this whole album? It’s the fact they decided to stick a “Vol. 1” after the “Greatest Hits”. This means they are planning on even more blessing all of us with even more compilations of Nickleback songs, which really is pretty much the greatest argument ever made to disprove the existence of God.
The only truly great thing that Nickleback has ever accomplished (in their 20 year musical career) was being used in a Vine where they spliced out the word “photo”. LOOK AT THIS GRAPH! I hope “Look at this Graph” is the most detailed chapter in their Wikipedia entry, and hopefully the only thing future archaeologists are able to recover of our culture.
FOR THE GAMER:
PIT-FIGHTER (TIGER ELECTRONICS HAND HELD VERSION
Back when the original Pit-Fighter was released into smoky arcades across the country, people really lost their shit. This was one of the first games to utilize digitized human actors as sprites, even though they only used three frames of animation per character. On the surface, it this game looked like an incredible achievement. Once you actually played it, the characters moved around with less animation than South Park, and the jarring “zooming effect” often induced vertigo. Even though it was trash, we could not get enough shitty street fighting action of Pit-Fighter until we were glued to our PC screens due to the release of The Secret of Monkey Island. The rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle was better animated than anything in this simplistic fighting game, anyways.
There were ports to the SNES and Amiga that were especially shitty, and this game started to quickly multiply due to the horrors of capitalism. Most importantly, there was a quickly-released TIGER Electronics LCD hand held version of Pit-Fighter. TIGER already had a reputation for shitting out poorly made (and boring) Game and Watch-type handhelds with every video game property under the sun. While in the blister packing, these always looked enticing, but no matter how bad you wanted to play Double Dragon in the car it was always a disappointment. So when the maker of these shitty little handhelds inked a deal with one of the shittiest arcade fighting games, they accidentally created one of the worst forms of electronic entertainment known to man.
If the person that receives this can’t appreciate an incredible history and backstory like that, then why are you wasting your time with them anyways?
FOR FANS OF TEHBEN.COM
“I URINATE BROMINATED VEGETABLE OIL” TEE
Let’s say that maybe you have to buy something for an extremely attractive somebody who just cannot get enough journalistic entertainment from their favorite website, America’s Number One Soda Blog? Then the answer is an incredibly easy one. You just need to get them a t-shirt that is themed around all of our collective gospel, Mountain Dew. Not only will they be smart, funny and attractive, they will be wearing a more identifiable red flag for diabetes than one of those little bracelets.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HUNTING FROM ALL OF US AT TEHBEN.COM!!