The time to deplete your yearly savings for the betterment of everyone else’s holidays… has finally arrived! There’s no better way to tell everyone how much you (actually) mean to them by digging yourself so deep into a hole of debt that you are gonna need to create a gofundme to help you get enough change for the parking meter. Yes, it’s time to put on your warmest winter clothing in order to go buy overpriced crap surrounded by other like-minded awful people trapped in the worst possible weather. Even the calendar itself is working against you, as Thanksgiving happened to fall on a really goofy week this year. This means you get 5 fewer days in 2019 to
support our capitalistic overlords shop for that extra-special gift your friends and family!
The clock is ticking and the snow on the street is sticking, but don’t despair! It might feel overwhelming and hopeless, but don’t worry because we’ve got your back here at tehben.com. We’re here and ready to give you some really great gift ideas this season!
…well, not any really great idea for folks you love and care about, but more for the folks you can’t stand but are required to deal with by either the bonds of blood or marriage. You know the people I’m talking about- all the moon truthers, flat earthers and anti-vaxxers in your immediate family. Even though they enjoy making you insane, they are still expecting a gift from you anyways because jet fuel can’t melt steel beams. These folks are why I drink.
Don’t let stressful shopping or moronic relatives keep you from achieving total victory. Give these bastards a gift they’ll never forget…or forgive you for! I’ve decided that arranging this year’s list into recipient categories is silly, since a genuinely thoughtless shitty gift is both universal and can be given to anyone on your list.
Enjoy! (in advance: sorry for the brevity, as I may be really behind on about 15 different deadlines lol)
Sexy Lola Bunny Airbrushed T-Shirt
The best part about wearing t-shirts is making other people in church feel uncomfortable, and this particular shirt is already about seventeen steps past that. This shirt depicts a fishnet stocking-wearing Lola Bunny of the Looney Tunes universe being “punished” by a cigar smoking mafioso knockoff Bugs Bunny. I am not sure what the overall “joke” being told here is, exactly. It could be anywhere well within the punchline spectrum anywhere from “rabbits have sex” to “rabbits have sex”. This looks like the same homemade airbrushed shirt you bought at the state fair last year, sometime between when you won that goldfish in a baggy and just before you got violently sick off that deep fried ramen pizza. Be sure to get your Sexy Lola Bunny shirt soon, as I’m sure these are in short supply as the overall amount of serial killers increase. It’s basic math, people!
…uh, I mean, get yours NOW before this vendor gets sued by Warner Brothers (for a fourth time)
Bitchin’ Baphomet Statue for Kidz
Kids these days are just too busy with their K-pop shrines and those Pokeman games to have any time to squeeze religion into their daily routine. While the predictable/traditional holiday gift of a crucifix or one of them Jesus candles are pretty cool, you may really only be able to explain the importance of religion to them by utilizing the powers of the dark side (i.e. the “cool side”). This beautiful representation of our Dark Lord fits easily on a middle school locker shelf, or mounted on the dash of your Pontiac Aztek and keeps you spiritually connected to Mr. Goat Man at all times. With this gift, there is the slim possibility this may also contractually grant you your deepest desire, but so far, this has really only worked for Carrot Top and Scott Baio.
Sexy Yoga Pants With Holster
Let’s say you are at the gym, and some undocumented illegals approach you near the stair machine in a desperate attempt to take your job. Do you just hand it over? When terrorists and other Definitely Bad People are looking at you directly in the eye in the line at Chipotle… should you cower and/or piss yourself in fear?
NO! NOT WHEN YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
You don’t have to take anyone’s imaginary shit whenever you are wearing the only yoga pants approved by the NRA and the International Association of Pants Shitters. You are EMPOWERED when you are wearing these, as these are the only yoga pants that can carry a handgun in them. Seeing as how these pants are skintight, your protection of choice may or may not give you an unflattering bulge in a particular area that might just fend off any would-be attackers anyways. These are pants are adorned with so many American flags that every time you wear them, your genitalia mouths the Star Spangle Banner. Holstering a lethal weapon directly against your goods is about as stupid as it gets, or the more scientific term, “active natural selection”.
Bonus! These beautiful pants are also manufactured in a sweatshop in China at the cost of around $0.75 a pair. When the internet began asking Tomi how she felt about having to have the Most American Yoga Pants Ever being made in China, she said that “well, all my plastic surgery material came from China too so what?”. Since these hideous pants are boldly priced at a markup of around 8500%, this might actually be the most American item on this list. As an aside: I’m sure you probably weren’t bothered much about this entire sweatshop paragraph since you are likely reading this on an iPhone. Good on you.
$10.00 Applebee’s Gift Card
Do you own a microwave? If you do, then you might unknowingly be the proud franchise owner of an Applebee’s restaurant! We get it though, sometimes serving yourself a Hungry Man dinner with a can of PBR can be a lot of work, so it’s a nice luxury to go out and have some other person that is making $2.25 an hour (plus tips) do it for you. When you give someone the gift of an Applebee’s Gift Card, you are basically saying “I got you future food poisoning for Christmas”.
This gift card is also a great present for someone you don’t like that has a pacemaker, but you didn’t hear that from me.
D.C. Talk Greatest Hits CD
One of my first entries of my memoirs focuses around the Power Team, who were a bunch of steroid abusers that exhibited feats of strength for Jesus. They’d tour the country doing stupid shit like breaking handcuffs and cinder blocks while having the Christian version of Warrant play Jesus themed butt rock tunes on the center stage. This depressing shit show eventually was also joined by D.C. Talk, who were a sad group of failed rappers that were religiously required to only use happy adjectives when describing the rigors of prayer and hardcore communion.
These guys fuckin’ suck and are a direct example of what would happen if three terrified clones created from the DNA of Snow, Vanilla Ice, and the Icy Hot Stuntaz made a band that could only make music using 5 second loops lifted from Smash Mouth songs. What’s even more disturbing is that these clowns were able to pull off 5 albums’ worth of rap music based solely about going to church. Let’s take a look at a snippet from “Time Well Spent” off their third album, Take Me Jesus:
Yo. Here’s somethin’ real, it happened yo
Got to church just in time to hear about the great flood
These bible pictures show two male lions getting onboard
Yo Jesus, how we still got lions, dawg?
Definitely the most amazing words ever penned by humanity. I have a feeling they are only famous because they bought a Baphomet statue sometime during the 1980’s.
Anything From Fucking wish.com
(in case you are high, the url is wish.com)
I’ve seen links for products from this site on all my social media feeds, and from what I can tell, wish.com is basically the Oriental Trading Company of sex toys. Anything I’ve seen for sale looks like it was commissioned by a corporate guy who wants to share the joy of bargain butt plugs with the world, cancer risks be damned! But low-grade sex toys are just the tip of the iceberg as they also specialize in knockoff versions of practically everything, from barely functioning “eyePods” to gimp suits that look like the previous owner possibly died in them. To be completely honest, I don’t know a whole lot about all the available inventory at wish.com as the state of my computer antivirus is not currently in the greatest of shape.
Long story short: If you want to spend two dollars on a penis pump capable of inflicting permanent damage without feeling any of the shame, you have just hit the fucking jackpot.
Ride To Hell: Retribution (Xbox 360)
Judging by the cover, this game looks incredible! Just glancing at this thing, there’s gonna be plenty of bikers, tattoos, alcohol, murder and multiple visits to Pound Town! This game definitely has all these things, but playing these virtual experiences detract your own enjoyment from these in real life. The gameplay is broken, glitchy, and the sex scenes look like they were animated sometime in the 90’s on one of your high school computers. The sexy protagonists look like two completely clothed robots clumsily smashing their midsections into each other. Oh, it’s that bad….
For extra fun, make sure that your Xbox 360 isn’t connected to the internet and cannot patch update Ride To Hell: Retribution and you can play it it in the original extra broken state it was shipped to consumers in. If you have a gamer on your list, make sure to get them this amazing gem from the early 2010’s, and they will promptly lose all interest in motorcycles, drinking, biker gangs and ghost mime sex.
Hayden Christiansen Cardboard Cutout Best Friend
I really tried to like the Star Wars prequels, but man, nobody in this world can convince me that they don’t eat all the ass in the universe. While Phantom is mind-numbingly stupid (with a really cool two minute lightsaber battle), they really didn’t hit peak awful until the following two movies. In these, they opened a dusty old packing crate and introduced Hayden Christiansen into the Star Wars universe. His acting was terrible, but the scripted lines he was given were a tall order for any actor to emote with a straight face. I fucking despise the prequels (but not as much as I hate sand).
So now you can take Hayden anywhere you want, and this version of him can actually do a more convincing recreation of any scene from Clones or Revenge than any of the actual footage that made it to the final cut. Have fun with cutout Hayden throwing pears around or just throw him into a lava pit for funsies. His favorite spot in the house is standing behind you when you are peeing. Just be sure to make sure his screen actor guild dues are up to date or Hollywood will come and kidnap him to star in Mannequin Part 3.
These movies are cursed, just ask the “yipieee” version of Anakin…
Cool as Ice Genuine Movie Poster
In a previous edition of Worst, I was appalled to discover that Amazon was bootlegging copies of the worst possible 90’s adaptation of Footloose. This movie is not good by any measure. It features Vanilla Ice saving a conservative town through the power of his dance moves and ability to rap over stolen music, all while riding a possessed ZX-7R.
Not only is Amazon bootlegging this awful movie, but they are also bootlegging the official movie posters for Cool As Ice as well. They are hoping that somebody orders one of these soon, so they can check to see if they will print out right. Fun Fact: If you buy one of these posters for your teenagers, order them to put it on their wall and I guarantee there will be absolutely no sex going on under your watch. It’s been scientifically proven that Vanilla Ice is the most powerful contraceptive.
Fuckin’ Disgusting Soda Pack
Jones Soda usually has the “gross soda” market cornered, but a new drunken contender has entered the ring! Instead of a liquid Thanksgiving dinner, Lester’s Fixins’ has instead focused on crafting soda flavors that can induce vomiting without even sampling them. Enjoy a fizzy PB&J with dinner and if you are still feeling thirsty, finish it off with a swig of tasty buffalo wing soda. These are fucking gross and these guys are banking on the slim chance you will spend twenty five bucks on something you could make at home with some club soda and condiment packets.
Cool Ranch flavored soda has to be the worst thing invented by mankind, yet paying 25 bucks for 6 bottles of trash still feels like a better deal than that whole New Coke thing, though.
Hopefully, we have brightened your day while at the same time have darkened the special day of your sworn enemies. These terrible gifts are sure to raise a few eyebrows and will definitely get you crossed off the guest list at family functions for years to come.
Teh Ben is a disgraced soda blogger and professional wild clown hunter. Even if you disagree with his views on Tokyo Xtreme Racer, you can always follow his IG page, his terrible video channel or just get put on blast because you yourself are a clown.