Thanks to the glory of technology and social networking, I love being able to instantly interact with any corporation I want to, whenever I want to at the click of a button or two. For example, I can contact the Hot Pockets company in seconds and let them know that I think the new “Calamari Delight” flavor of “pastry” foodstuff tastes of old socks and Silly Putty. Although this opens up companies and corporations to idiots behaving badly (like myself), I’m sure at some point they actually get small bits of actual helpful feedback.
What drives me crazy is how hard some of these guys are paying Facebook to get all up in my shit for likes. Every ten posts down they really recommend that I “like” McDonald’s or any other place I would NEVER eat, and have never checked in at (even as a joke). Even after I torment them, the system thinks that I really REALLY need to “like” that particular place even more. Which drives me even more batshit.
I usually leave stuff like these little gems on the internets:
It’s fun and obnoxious, but rarely do companies respond to honest opinions. More often than not, my amazing comments are instantly deleted. I felt facetious the other day and wondered what would happened if I tried to reverse insult a company. I would actually be commending them for something from a completely skewed point of view. I know it’s hard to explain, but I thought I would compliment Chipotle Mexican Grill for not allowing rifle toting dipshits into their stores.
So I quickly sent a letter of correspondence to the fine folks at Chipotle from the point of view of these poster children for eugenics.
Dear Chipotle Mexican Grill,
I will no longer be frequenting your restaurant chain until you repeal your stance on openly suppressing my Second Amendment rights granted to me as an American citizen. I am disappointed beyond words that I am not allowed to open carry my extended magazine AR-15 with a grenade launcher freely into your establishment solely for the purpose of self-defense. I’m not sure if you are aware of it, but your restaurant caters almost specifically to skinny-jeans wearing hipsters and soccer moms, and both demographics have been scientifically proven to be prone to violence and violent behavior. There is also a Starbucks in the same shopping center where one of your restaurants is located, which is often filled with gang members and other assorted derelicts and miscreants who also frequent the Chic-Fil-A store on the corner. These establishments, and the customers they attract makes this shopping center possibly be the most dangerous area in all of Park Meadows.
Before you get all preachy to me about “hypothetical” firearms safety and statistics, let me explain to you why open carry of assault rifles is a way of life and a Constitutional right that deserves protection and acceptance in all areas of public accommodation. I did not always open carry a fully automatic weapon on me, but there was one fateful day in my past that completely changed my outlook on this subject. I was in my early twenties and was generally trusting of everyone I came across. I was eventually brutally assaulted by a seven year old boy who left me a mess in a pool of my own blood and broken bones crying for help. From that point on, I swore that I would do anything in my power to keep from ever being a victim ever again. I immediately purchased a conceal and carry permit and my Desert Eagle accompanied me in my pants everywhere I went. I soon had my permit revoked after accidentally opening fire on a little girl in an aisle inside Toys R’ Us after she popped out from around an end cap brandishing a Nerf gun that looked exactly like a shoulder-mounted RPG rocket launcher. I only had to serve a minimal amount time for that mistake after I filed a lawsuit against the Nerf company for making their toy guns far too realistic.
Because of this incident, I am not allowed by law to conceal and carry,but the upside to this decision means in order to carry a firearm on me at all times it has to be out in the open. Which limits me to carrying long guns like assault rifles with 45 round clips, which honestly, are better and more realistically suited for self defense against single assailants or groups of wandering elderly. My gun is my peace of mind, my safety, and is an important tool at my disposal unlike those people in Somalia who carry around AK-47’s simply as a fashion statement and nothing more.
I tried my hardest to conform to the rules of your restaurants, but my one attempt at dining at your establishment unarmed left me emotionally scarred and grateful to have survived this harrowing meal. I carefully walked up to the first girl running the tortilla warmer, and as I stammered out my order, I knew that at any second she was going to knock me down and slice open my jugular with a serrated combat machete. I narrowly escaped her doing this to me and I quickly took my burrito to my table (which I promptly scanned for bugging devices) and before long, I could not enjoy my meal in peace. There was a mother breastfeeding her infant son in the booth behind me and I could tell by just looking at her that she was a suicide bomber and was soon going to cause many, many casualties. I threw the rest of my meal away immediately without bothering to separate all the recyclable stuff and narrowly avoided my own demise.Never again.
Until you change your policy on weapons in your restaurant, me and my gun will chose to eat elsewhere, although your initiative has caused other restaurants like Panera Bread to deny service to True Americans like me. If this suppression of Constitutional rights continues to be quelled in all restaurants, I will be forced to cook my own meals in my own home, which I am terrified of being in as well.
Respectfully,
A True American.
I posted this on their wall, but the spambot instantly deleted it, so I emailed it to them instead. I got a reply today:
I like the fact that these guys took a minute out of their day to commend me for my efforts. These guys are currently being overwhelmed by labor disputes, wage walkouts, and people being butthurt about a lame joke on the to-go bags. I hope my letter to them at least got a laugh or two out of the office.
🙂
TEHBEN.COM 
Chipotle is the best.