Written By: Matthew Burroughs and tehben
Boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, we have an important announcement:
It’s NEARLY HERE!
The 2018 NFL season is fast approaching, and if you couldn’t tell already, we’re pretty fucking stoked about it! If Part 1 of our player preview was any indication, 2018 is going to be a banner year for young, old, and unemployed players alike. While we are sure that it’s going to be an incredible year for football, we also can’t overlook the glaring problems it might be staring down. Sure, the smallest stadium can’t sellout their home games, and the league is still waffling on how the kickoffs should even work, but those are problems are small potatoes in comparison to bigger changes like the new helmet rule and a really shaky ethics code. We are hoping these stupid changes don’t permanently damage our favorite cold weather sport too much, but you never know.
In celebration of the quickly approaching season and getting to watch the Browns lose even more games, let’s take a moment to preview some more impact players to watch for this coming season…
Leonard Fournette, RB Jacksonville Jaguars
Coming at us from LSU, Leonard Fournette proved in his rookie season with Jacksonville that he would be the next great “tough guy/punching bag” at running back. He’s big, he’s bad, and he’s on a surprisingly good team. His drawback? Well if you’ve had him on your fantasy team last year, you might have noticed he was the victim of a few game-time benchings by his head coach. This meant that like me, you also had to start fucking Derrick Henry on your fantasy team for a couple of stellar 3 point performances instead. Apparently, Fournette didn’t put the right hospital corner on his bed sheet one morning and Doug Marrone was having none of that shit. Fuck Doug Marrone, extra fuck Derrick Henry, and while we’re at it, fuck Jay Ajayi (for no good reason) as well.
Fournette’s Greatest Ability: I mean, shit, check out this clip of him inviting a Steelers defender to hit the shit out of him. Clearly, Leonard’s wallet is the one that says “Bad Mother Fucker” on the outside of it. While his train-punching run style is absolutely a blast to watch, this hard running will inevitably lead to only one of two things.
A: Fournette will be permanently injured and out of the league in 3 years, or
B: The new helmet rule will make his style of play obsolete and he’ll be out of the league in 3 years.
What Will Be Fournette’s Greatest Moment in 2018: Fournette will have a 250 yd 4 TD game against Pittsburgh during prime time. On the last play of the potential game winning drive, Fournette will take the hand-off near the goal line, charge forward, cross over the line and immediately celebrate with his teammates….only to be flagged for “helmet lowering” on some dipshit cornerback who tripped into his path, thus clinching a win for the Steelers. Seriously, I can’t state enough how big and horrible this rule is going to be. Read Drew Magary’s article here on the subject. We’re in for a rather unpleasant shit storm, friends.
Other Notes: This will be the year where we will finally see if Jacksonville can put together a whole team, or just if they are just going to focus on which player gets picked to be cast in the next wacky Bojangles commercial.
Marquette King, P Denver Broncos
Take a deep breath and imagine what happiness would look like in human form. If you actually tried this mental exercise, the image of Marquette King popped into your head while you involuntarily whistled the Finger Family song. Marquette King joins the shittiest version of the Broncos after spending many productive seasons in the increasingly swagger-less Oakland Raiders. For everything robbed from Denver by Peyton Manning, John Elway, and the rest of the milquetoast losers, King will give all of it back and more. We are dealing with a man who is a Power Ranger, a musician, a rule-breaker, and he dead-ass wants to fuck Hillary Clinton! Every ZANY punter in the NFL should give 5% of their pay to “Tha Punt God” for making the position the most fun it’s been since Ray Guy in the 1970s.
Marquette King embodies everything that’s RIGHT with football in a time when it’s needed the most. He is the legendary hero foretold by the prophecy of the elders, and for this reason alone, I want to have his babies.
Greatest Ability: It’s hard to slurp on someone this hard and THEN try to think about what their greatest strength might be, because to me it’s the whole package (editor’s note: phrasing!). However, taking a few steps back I think King’s greatest strength is his own ability to step back and not take his job in the NFL so seriously. The dead-horse being whacked with the proverbial shalaylee in 2018 embodies the stiffness and generally stale atmosphere of the “No Fun League.” King is the antidote to this disease, and not to speak too soon, but King will someday save the world and everyone in it.
What Will Be King’s Greatest Moment in 2018: Let’s actually talk about football for a second. For all of King’s fanfare, he’s also an All-Pro at his position and is near the top of the punt yardage charts each season. Adding to that this year, consider his new Mile High (sponsor-less) stadium and the general overall suckiness of the Broncos. Friends, we’re talking all-time record potential here. Think for a moment: who has the single season punt yardage record? Well whatever you guessed, it was wrong, because it was actually Dave Zastudil with 5,209 yards in 2012 for the Cardinals.
Zastudil, who didn’t even make the fucking pro-bowl that year, punted 112 times for an average of 46.5 yards per punt. It’s not going out on much of a limb to suggest that King could be punting more than 7 times per game with these hapless Broncos. Multiply that by his career average…5,500 yards, and you can book it. If hitting a record like that won’t win Hillary’s heart, then he should start holding out for Bill instead.
Other Notes: King can be cheeky. On one occasion he was benched for an entire game in 2017 when he hid Derek Carr’s eyeshadow somewhere in the locker room before they took the field. Another time, when playing the Chiefs on Thursday Night Football, Travis Kelce once felt the need to mock Marquette King, and came out of it looking like an even bigger dipshit than he usually does. Having a fucking punter live in your head rent free? BRUH. Kelce is already a pretty stellar guy for a professional football player that needs a reality show to meet girls, because those two things have never gone hand-in-hand in the whole timeline of humanity, like ever.
Your Cornerbacks and Entire Defense, Tecmo Bowl
I finally got one of those NES Classic Editions, and while I don’t remember playing this particular game much as a kid, it’s probably the ROM that I’ve spent the most time playing on this re-released console. One of the glaring drawbacks to the old-school game is that the player stats don’t save each game or even accrue value over a season, unlike the battery-backed SNES version. While I think Tecmo Bowl is pretty good, it’s nowhere near John Elway’s Quarterback good.
My biggest issue is how whenever you make a play on offense, the CPU defense players (every single one of those fuckers) track your hapless molasses-coated runner down with the tenacity of 11 pissed-off ring wraiths. Gaining any sort of yardage is a drawn-out exercise in patience, as the most basic 3 yard gains are cause for fist bumps and celebration.
What makes Tecmo Bowl especially irritating is when these tables turn completely against you when playing as defense. Whenever the CPU throws a completed pass against you, your CB’s are always hanging out on the sideline, waiting patiently for Pax to get them a Gatorade. The ball-carrying receiver then saunters slowly towards the end zone, while your entire defense team all begin clumsily line dancing/running the other direction. Let’s just say that I’ve lost a ton of Tecmo Bowl games strictly due to the defensive AI being permanently set to “tapioca”.
Greatest Ability: Always remember that you can save-state your game at any time! Save often to keep going forward smoothly. Losing even one game ends your season, and we don’t recommend throwing the controller in a fit of rage since the controller cord is only a foot long.
What Will Be It’s Greatest Moment in 2018: One word: Availability. I can’t believe Nintendo got these things got manufactured for consumers again. It’s been a real pleasure watching all those dickhead scalpers on eBay getting right fucked in their asses now that the scarcity has finally begun to evaporate.
Other Notes: This amazing little console can play Castlevania too. These two gems alone make the NES mini worth more than the 80 bucks. I’m still kinda bummed that Winter Games was left completely overlooked. The current generation shouldn’t have to live without Hot Dog Aerials.
Brett Favre, QB Furr’s Cafeteria
Introducing the greatest Packer/Viking to ever play the game! He’s the physical embodiment of a 6′ 5″ tall tower of cheese! He’s got an exclusive endorsement deal with both Red Copper Pans and LifeAlert! When I talk about these contracts, it’s obvious that I can only be talking about one of the most commercially successful ex-NFL players, the “Favre of Brett”(patent pending).
When not hawking cancer-curing copper bracelets or neon-colored magnetic scrunchies, Brett can currently be seen chilling lakeside on the dock in his comfortable signature Wrangler Jeans. He has also been recently featured in several commercials for both Jack in the Box and Dollar Tree Meats and Seafood. We are confident that this guy would gladly sign off on having his face put on a box of tampons if the price was right.
Favre’s Greatest Ability: Brett’s pretty good at avoiding the sack, and has a cannon where his arm should be. He can easily function in temperatures down to -50F, and can send a dick pic to anyone in the world…in seconds.
What will be Brett’s Greatest Moment in 2018: Favre will ditch his classic Wrangler look and capitalize on the skinny jean craze. His commercials featuring him prancing around in Favre Skinnies(tm) tossing a football while being surrounded by fall colors will be featured at least 130 times every weekend.
Other Notes: While it may seem like Brett might be a little too eager to lend his name to any product, regardless of relevance, he’s never been dumb enough to be besties with a racist pizza guy.
Eli Manning, QB New York Giants
Fresh off yet another forgetful season of Giants football, Eli Manning has somehow been awarded a brand new vote of confidence by Big Blue. While his best years are clearly behind him (note: defeating the Patriot Perfect Season is still considered grounds for sainthood), Eli now represents a dying breed of quarterback in the NFL. The old guard in the Big Apple want to milk every last nostalgic drop of this out of their derpy-faced legend.
Think about how the NFL functioned back when you were a kid. Pat Summerall and John Madden calling the game, commentating on a stocky, clumsy quarterback that takes a 3 step drop and throws it to one of two receivers. Football consisted of nothing but 60 minutes of sacks and interceptions. If this 1980’s slovenly Dan Fouts-blowing-a-ball-out-of-his-ass and then smoking a cigarette on the sidelines style of football is your jam…then Eli Manning is your Alamo.
Eli’s Greatest Ability: This son of a bitch is made of Teflon. Whether he’s slipping out of a sack to win an upset Super Bowl or slipping out of a fraudulent scheme regarding game worn memorabilia, all he needs to do is throw out a few pensive smirks and “aw-shucks, fellas!” faces and Eli is good as gold.
What will be Eli’s Greatest Moment in 2018: It’s too early to try and predict what magic “Old School Eli” is going to spin for the Giants this year, but as long as it’s an improvement over 2017’s 3 and 13 season, pretty much everyone will consider it a miracle. No matter how far the Giants fall this year, we can be sure that some wide receiver’s boating trip will be the most cause for blame to the NY faithful.
Other Notes: You know what would’ve been great? If Geno Smith would’ve won a couple games when Eli was benched last season. The most amazing feat the Giants pulled off last year was defeating the Broncos last year, effectively killing the winning streak Denver was on. I remember watching that specific game on a TV at Applebee’s and the embarrassment the Broncos filled me with could only be matched by the sadness of the microwaved steak I was eating.
Seriously tho, just continue beating Tom Brady in the clutch. Help us, Eli-Wan, you’re our only hope.
Check back with us as the 2018 NFL Season gets closer to see if we’re able to pull off a Part 3! In the mean time, follow Matt and Ben on Twitter. Hopefully we can get these published before every clown we have written about is cut from the team.