TehBen.com’s Christmas Movie Extravaganza!

We at TehBen are well-established cinephiles. We only cover the greatest of films here, like Drive-Thru, Blood Freak, and Killer Nun

Now, it’s time to give you the holiday gift of our Christmas movie “recommendations.” All of these movies are TOP NOTCH, and by top notch, I mean that none of them have scored anything higher than a 40% on Rotten Tomatoes.

If your creepy uncle or cheek-pinching aunt just won’t leave after Christmas dinner, throw one of these certified stinkers on and you will be sure to clear the room! Here are some of the most bizarre, insane, and overall craptastic movies to check out this season.

The Nutcracker in 3D (2010)

Here it is, folks. A movie with a perfect 0% score. You might be thinking to yourself, “it’s The Nutcracker, how do you fuck that up?” Rest assured, Andreas Morell finds a way. In this adaptation of the beloved ballet, the Rat King is…a Nazi. Nothing says “holiday cheer” quite like mice putting people in labor camps, right?

That’s not even a joke, either. A lot of this HOLIDAY MOVIE FOR CHILDREN involves anthropomorphic rats enslaving people. Rat King Hitler is absolutely insane, with a platinum wig and a flamboyant attitude, so that adds even more to the insult of mixing the Holocaust with Christmas. Sentient toys are mass exterminated, (and you see them get murdered), all to the tune of The Nutcracker suite – well, a bastardized version of it, anyways. It is deeply, deeply offensive and inappropriate, and it looks absolutely terrifying. How this movie made it past teams of executives is beyond me. 

Oh, yeah, did I mention that the main character’s uncle is literally Albert Einstein?

Elves (1989)

No, I’m not talking about the Will Ferrell movie. And no, not the upcoming Netflix movie either. It’s the 1989 Christmas movie about…Nazis again, for some reason. This one is about a mall Santa uncovering a neo-Nazi plot to breed a superhuman race of elves. 

I don’t really think I need to say anything else, right? You can just read those two sentences and already get that it’s pretty fucking terrible, yeah?

Santa With Muscles (1996)

Shitting on Jingle All The Way is sooo last Christmas. Pop on Santa With Muscles if you REALLY want to see something terrible. You would think the premise would be pretty simple – Hulk Hogan plays Santa, he gives kids presents, ta-da. But no, the movie has the most convoluted and insane plot, and it’s all made worse by the fact that Hogan can’t act. In the words of critic Chris Hicks, Hogan “makes Arnold Schwarzenegger seem like Laurence Olivier.”

Hogan stars as a billionaire health nut who accidentally becomes Santa Claus after a freak paintball accident. As if a man deluding himself into believing he’s Santa wasn’t enough, Ed Begley Jr. is here cast as an evil scientist looking to destroy an orphanage because there are magical crystals underneath it. 

The movie is aggressively unfunny, and the bizarre plot doesn’t help its case. Say what you will about the cookie-cutter Hallmark movies that come out every year, but at least they stick to a formula that works. If this list of movies shows anything, it’s that stepping too far out the standard Christmas plot box is a surefire way to flop.

A Karate Christmas Miracle (2019)

Speaking of Christmas movies with batshit plots – this movie made me feel like I was going insane while watching it. I’m not sure that I can do the bonkers plot justice, but I’ll try:

The 10-year-old Jesse Genesis (what a name!) believes he can bring his lost father back if he can become a karate black belt by Christmas. His dad went missing during a MASS SHOOTING on Christmas Day the year before, because nothing brings yuletide cheer like having a movie constantly show flashbacks of gun violence. Jesse keeps having visions of his dad, which causes his mother, Abby, to hire a psychic law professor (?) to help find him.

It’s…a lot. The movie is obviously very low budget, and if you peep the cast and crew list, you’ll see that most of the people involved in this movie are all related to each other. It’s kind of charming that the whole family got together to make this batshit movie, but also…why was THAT the plot they went with????

Christmas Evil (1980)

You can totally rock some Christmas horror – there’s Black Christmas, Gremlins, Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale…but then there’s Christmas Evil, which is in a league of its own. This movie was wild enough that it got caught up in the U.K. video nasty panic, getting confiscated because of its obscene nature. And trash connoisseur John Waters loves it, so that should give you an idea of just how wild this movie is.

This one is more than just a slasher flick with Santa Claus. No, this movie is about a kid who accidentally saw his mom getting fondled by Santa Claus (well, his dad dressed as Santa, anyways). Now, thirty years or so later, he’s a sad loser who eventually becomes a homicidal Santa. The whole movie is a trip and a half, and the ending is sure to make you stop and go, “wait, what the fuck?”

In all fairness, this movie’s pretty decent – it actually has gotten quite a bit of critical acclaim, so it’s not nearly as much of a shitshow as the other movies on this list. If you put it on during Christmas at grandma’s, though, it’s still a surefire way to make sure your family never invites you to anything ever again.

There you have it, five batshit Christmas movies we handpicked just for you. All jokes aside, thanks for reading our articles and hanging out in our weird little corner of the Internet. Have a very merry Christmas, a happy New Year, and try not to become a deluded homicidal Santa this year. ❤

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*some content may be horny

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