MAJOR MELON MTN DEW REVIEW!

I will be the first to admit there’s probably not a huge public demand for watermelon flavored soda and the release of Major Melon is really only having to compete against the likes of Watermelon Crush and ICP’s Mad Rhymin’ Melon Faygo. And that’s what makes the latest flavor foray into Mtn Dew history such an odd choice: it’s pretty clear they are taking risks because they’ve finally exhausted every one of the last leftover ideas from the Dew pitch meetings. It might sound like I’m being salty, but to be fair I’d love to sit in one of those just so I could watch a ton of old X Games footage and snort a few lines.

It’s taken quite some time for watermelon soda to appeal to the American palate that has obediently crafted towards vanilla choices like Coke or Pepsi. The first time I ever saw any melon flavored soda was when I found some Seagram’s Watermelon on an impromptu shopping trip to a local grocery store in St. Thomas in the 90’s. It was a pretty eye opening experience seeing rows of empty shelves and urban strife only a mile away from the idyllic island resort where everything was nothing but white beaches, scuba diving and Mai Tais. While the rest of my family was not impressed with this particular find, I enjoyed it. For the rest of the week, I would sit on the back porch, sipping it slowly while listening to my Blood Sugar Sex Majik cassette tape while admiring the moonlit bathed rolling waves.

(So be fair, my outlook on the subject of watermelon soda is rater skewed to the romantic side of things. While watermelon soda has the nostalgic potential to bring me back to an island paradise, I will try to look at this new product from as much of an analytical standpoint as I can.)

Now that we’ve gotten that disclaimer is out of the way, finding Major Melon in the wild happens to be a major pain in the ass. Store shelves have been mostly empty in the soda aisle the last few weeks (the sodapocalypse??) but I was able to find it at the largest Wal Mart in Colorado which is a prestigious honor in itself. There were about 40 twelve packs of the diet version of Major Melon left completely untouched, but in the far back I managed to spy three of the regular good ‘ol corn syrup versions in the very, very back of the rack. I opted to take the path of the hunter, which meant I had to fish one out all while looking like Winnie the Poo getting his ass stuck in his doorway. Public embarrassment aside, this flavor is looking like it’s likely going to be hard to find in stores for a while.

…but if you are into the diet versions, go crazy.

Well, enough with my 17 paragraph introduction for a soda review, let’s break it down, shall we?

Packaging: 10/10

So. Much. This. There’s few things in the world that can be deemed “perfect” and the packaging and graphics for Major Melon can be classified as one of these things. The Mtn Dew logo is a beautiful shade of pink that pops directly off some fuchsia themed camouflage. All the pink on the box (and cans) is offset by the bright green cartoon art of military watermelons, dog tags and fruit slices that an artist drew as Audrey II while on mushrooms.

The entire thing looks insane. And that’s why I love it.

Smell: 6/10

Major Melon smells like a strange conglomeration of children’s ibuprophen, bubble gum and honeydew. No matter how you slice it, this soda smells like candy that you can drink.

Color: 9.5/10

The color of Major Melon is the exact same shade of pink as Sharkleberry Fin Kool Aid, or that weird pink stuff they used for breathing in The Abyss.

But it turns out, Major Melon is neither of these things, which brings us to the all important…

Taste: 5.5/10

I really wanted to love this. I had hoped that Major Melon took a cue from Mtn Dew Maui Burst and gone with a more subdued and complimentary flavor profile that adds just enough unique character to the tried-and-true Dew magic formula. The melon component is just too overwhelming, and tastes like pure green Blow Pop and Sour Patch Kid. Like all incarnations of Mtn Dew, It’s slightly less gross when served over ice which helps to water down some of the candy element. As far as refreshment goes, It’s not a very refreshing soda, unless your name happens to be Augustus Gloop. Sour soda just is never a good thing.

Verdict: 5/10 (meh)

Major Melon packaging is on point and is sure to draw some serious attention in the soda aisle (if you can find it). While the branding looks awesome, it is perplexing that they chose to unleash this flavor for a national non-chain branded release when so many other “safer” flavor options are available. While it’s a fun novelty that’s enjoyable to hunt, it soon lends itself to the realm of mediocre since it just ends up being pretty basic watermelon soda that’s too sweet and sour anyways. Major Melon is not the worst thing in the world, but I’d rather have some twelve packs of Maui Burst or Baja Blast available on the shelves instead. I’m not a betting man, but there’s a pretty good chance you are gonna have a 10 can supply of Major Melon that will live inside your fridge until the 2024 election.

Bonus: Alcohol Mixer?

No. Sorry, but Major Melon is not a good choice to mix with anything. For fun, I mixed in a couple shots of Absolut Cranberry and I’m pretty sure I invented homemade drain cleaner. To be fair, Absolut Cranberry is kinda terrible on its own.

Teh Ben prides himself on being a steampunk Amish bartender (but only on the weekends in the city). If his jokes fall flat for you, be sure to check out his other comedic avenues with his angsty Twitter account, his Instantogram, or his really freaky Youtube Channel.