As much as the ocean fires and record temperatures made the summer of 2021 kinda memorable, it was also a remarkable season for uniquely summertime themed Mtn Dew flavors. It started with the introduction of a new staple, Major Melon and then Pepsi brought back the feels with the return of an old friend for 100 Days of Summer. I still have a 12 pack of pina colada Dew, and secretly wish I picked up more cases of the superior Baja Punch flavor before it was relegated to languish on the dusty bottom shelves of the Dollar General.
All regrets aside, I bought enough Baja Blast to make it through a long cold winter during this summer. I am currently in “Baja Blast conservation mode” which means I only allow myself to drink a can a week in order to properly ration my supply. It’s also a stopgap way to keep myself from spending $48.00 on an expired 12 pack from Amazon again (yes, I actually did that last winter). According to the 100daysofbaja.com website, summer isn’t officially over until we’ve suffered through the “Never Forget” branding nightmare known as 9-11.
With these misguided brand cash-ins firmly in our rearview, it’s high time we move on to the next season with the kind of willful optimism that only our favorite brand of carbonated corn syrup can bring. The first offering of autumn was the 3rd season of VooDew, which Matt really enjoyed, but I still found to be just too gross for my tastes. Maybe it was Jenn’s “color commentary” (read: man juice) about the hue that may have possibly messed with my subconscious, but in the end, this soda was just too sweet for me to enjoy.
So what comes next? The fall of 2021’s newest offering is retreading a flavor idea that has actually been attempted before, but it never got released due to 4chan seriously fucking up an online Dew naming contest back in 2012. This darkly tinged insanity took place during the same Renaissance Era brilliance that gave us Boaty McBoatface (a boat) and Mister Splashy Pants (a whale). All things considered, I’m just happy they decided to give this older flavor (previously known as “hitler did nothing wrong”) another chance at the spotlight.
Today, we are reviewing Mtn Dew Thrashed Apple, which is a heavily caffeinated granny smith apple based soda. But hold on to your panties, this ain’t your granpappy’s Apple Slice!
Packaging: 11/10
This Dew is sold in 20 ounce bottles and 12 packs as a Kroger exclusive. Unless you live under a rock or shop at Albertson’s, you already know that Kroger as the Amazon.com of grocery chains. This is a net positive, meaning that it’s relatively easier to find than some of those web only promotions which are nothing but a bullshit shit show. While you are waiting in the self-checkout lane for half an hour, you will notice that this Dew’s packaging is entertaining, complete with graphics of an apple based rock band. Are they bad apples? Who knows!? The angry apple tree looks like it can play some slick ass licks while it nods disprovingly at its misfit children. This is the first Dew we’ve seen in a while that has omitted sharks from the overall graphic design.
Color and Smell: 7/10
At first glance, this soda looks somewhat …unhealthy. Thrashed Apple has a sickly chartreuse color to it that looks like a watered down green tea or what you would get if you scooped a pitcher of water out of Lake Erie to give your immune system the ultimate test. Upon first whiff, this soda 100% smells like green apple Laffy Taffy that has been boiled down into liquid form. But don’t worry, it turns out that looks and smell aren’t everything!
Taste: 9/10
Even when consumed directly out of the can (I personally prefer almost all Dew flavors on ice to cut some of the syrup down a peg) Thrashed Apple is strangely enjoyable. It’s got an overwhelming, yet refreshing abundance of artificial apple flavor that finishes with a reasonable tart aftertaste reminiscent of freshly sliced green apples. Straight out of the can, it’s just a caffeinated Jolly Rancher. This flavor is just EXTREME enough to be an official Dew, but not something that will stay on shelves once the Christmas decorations come out.
Mixer Value: 9/10
While we here at tehben.com believe all things are best in moderation, but we can’t help but immediately try to think of what sort of hard alcohol would mix well with the newest weird soda flavors. We’ve even turned it into a staff homework project before. On a whim, I discovered the perfect pairing whenever you decide it is time to get thrashed on some thrashed apple. Here’s my recipe:
Hardcore Caramel Apple Drank:
2 parts Thrashed Apple Mtn Dew
1 part Ole Smoky Tennessee Salty Caramel Whiskey
After pouring, the whiskey will float on top of your rocks glass and continue to stay separated by unseen hands (or science, your choice). Drinking the shot in this form is gross because there’s no apple flavor and all you will taste is malted whiskey/Eggo waffle. If you thoroughly mix these two ingredients together with a stir stick or McDonald’s coffe swizzler it is much, MUCH better. The final product should taste like a carnival themed caramel apple that will FUCK YOU UP.
Have fun at the fair, but once the space clowns and pink elephants show up, be sure to cut yourself off.
If you don’t like Thrashed Apple Mtn Dew or Ole Smoky but have both of these ingredients collecting dust on your shelves, this drink is an excellent way to kill two birds with one stone. This mixed drink is phenomenal and really puts you in the mood to slap on a warm sweater and dig out your favorite giant tub of plastic skeletons. This magical concoction is practically It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown inside a rocks glass.
Final Verdict: 8.1/10
Thrashed Apple a great chain-exclusive seasonal Dew that captures the very essence of both fall and Halloween candy at the same time. The packaging is fun, and represents a changing of the guard (and the seasons) as it replaces all that tropical themed fuckery of the summer. This soda is a bit more intense than Apple Slice or Sidral Mundet, but it’s also got twice the attitude of either of those. If you’ve ever wanted to drink some candy, the time has come to shoot your shot.
Teh Ben is a guy who conducts weekly raids on the community pumpkin patch and also draws hilarious chalk outlines of bodies in front of the homes of known alcoholics after they return from a bender. Follow his stupidity on Twitter, gaze in awe of his aging YouTube Channel, or visit his happy Instagram page.
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