HURRY UP, SUMMER

While some people don’t miss record high temperatures, unprecedented drought, and the joy that comes from inhaling constant wildfire smoke, I can’t help but have a soft spot for the sweatiest season of the year. I despise the cold and I think every day is a day made for wearing wife beater shirts and JNCO shorts. If I was smart, I would quit my bitching and just move to Arizona or something, but I have a rather irrational mortal fear of gila monsters and Meghan McCain.

“DON’T YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS??!!!”

We’ve had weeks of sustained record lows up here in America’s Alps, and it’s been pretty bad for both indoor plumbing and people’s desire to not drive off overpasses. There’s still at least another entire week of freezing temperatures in my future, so I thought it would be nice to share with you a little trick I’ve learned to kick ‘ol Jack Frost square in the dick: by watching summer videos!

So pull up a canvas beach chair, spread on some sunscreen, and feel the rays of the summer sun hit you despite all those stains on your computer monitor! Here are the 5 summer-iest music videos of all time!

5. “Starry Eyed Surprise” Paul Oakenfold ft. Shitty Shellschlock

This video features a fun drive out to the desert with some weirdos for a fun southwest-themed EDM rave featuring the guy from Crazy Town. You remember him, right? He’s the dude who looks like a walking human STD. This fun little party feels like an extended Coke commercial, but it has an undeniable 2000’s aesthetic that just makes you want to sit underneath the stars… but holding a Coke.

This video is filled with pretty ladies, cacti and glow sticks, sort of like a Burning Man Lite. It’s too bad they didn’t decide to go that route, there would so much more blatant drug use and nudity. Speaking of unwanted nudity, I sure hope Shifty got somebody to look at that rash all those years ago.

4. “I Wanna B With U” Fun Factory

This is a fun little fluffy jam about a block party (presumably held somewhere in California). It features the lady that played April O’ Neil in the first Ninja Turtles movie and a couple other rapper guys that had careers that went absolutely nowhere post-Fun Factory. This feels like a slow jam that would have been right at home in a DOA: Xtreme Beach Volleyball game. It’s lighthearted and silly, shot on location inside the safest suburb in America.

The old-neighbors-angry-at-the-noise trope is here in the full effect, but eventually the magnetically charged joy of the massive party and unlimited barbecue is able to warm the oldest of hearts. That, and the rapping skills of the Michigan jersey wearing bald dude will just make you smile, hoping that his featured verses end soon. This video is indisputable proof that a utilizing a crappy kiddie pool still counts as a pool party.

3. “Set Adrift on Memory Bliss” P.M. Dawn

This is a certifiable summer jam, which has sublime trance hop verses seamlessly flowing over a repeating sample of Spandau Ballet’s “True”. It’s so great, despite the fact that some of the references about Christina Applegate are a tiny bit.. dated? I can’t really make any jokes about this killer jam and video, this 3:54 of magic embodies all the best stuff about the 90’s.

This video is shot on a white sandy beach with a fog machine running on overdrive. I think this video was shot concurrently with Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game” but they definitely had more fun on this set. This video also features a person wearing a full body leotard that can’t stop from jumping into the ocean over and over.

(bonus: this video uses audio from the Mtv version of the recording, which is mixed a bit more organically than the studio cut)

R.I.P. Prince Be

2. “Ladies of the World” Flight of the Conchords

While the Flight of the Conchords usually have a “New York via New Zealand transplant” flavor most of the time, the official video for “Ladies of the World” brings some serious 70’s west coast swagger. To be fair, it would be redundant to write jokes about a video from a novelty band, so I’ll leave the funny stuff to them. All the ladies of the world deserve a little piece of Bret, including the Presbyterians.

The warm colors bring out a sexual California sunset feeling as the boys skate along the sidewalk without a care in the world. Even if a novelty song about tapping all the asses on the globe isn’t your cup of tea, you have to at least appreciate that banger of an outro. It’s haunting, beautiful, and uplifting (and very arm-flappy).

“Seven Days In Sunny June” Jamiroquai

Ha! The most hyperlinked bop on tehben.com is used yet again! (It’s practically required by law at this point). In case you’ve missed the other 156 times I’ve embedded this video in articles, you should definitely treat yourself to the spectacle of the greatest pool/yard/hovercraft race party that ever happened. It’s got all the required summertime staples: food, hot people, minibike racing and stupid hats. It’s fucking perfect.

Stay warm and safe my friends. I swear, I am gonna give that groundhog the ‘ol Gremlins treatment next year if that smug bastard even thinks about seeing his shadow!

Teh Ben is an award-winning scientist in the field of lunchbox thermos design. Yeah, he’s got lots of problems, but he has other platforms, too. Be sure to follow him on Twitter, go see his Instagram or just stalk him on YouTube like all the other weirdos.

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