How to Play a Paladin | Matt’s Smut Vault

Matt contacted me a little while ago, asking to review a short story. Actually, what he said to me was, “You like nerd shit, don’t you?” But I knew what he meant. As it turns out, I do kinda like nerd shit so let’s see what we got: How to Play a Paladin by M. Reed. I’ve only played Dungeons & Dragons once, but a quick google search tells me a Paladin is a heroic knight who usually fights under the blessing and endowment of a god they devoutly serve. Ok… wait a minute, there better not be any Chastity in my sex story!

Damn it. Wilven Hawklight is our title paladin and, amongst several other dungeon-ey things, has taken a Vow of Chastity, making Chads everywhere disgusted. We initially join him on his quest to retrieve some runaway and return them from whence they came. Yeesh, even this guy’s objectives scream “loser”. Hold on, the subject of his quest is the apprentice sorceress Wren Shattershield? The one with the F-me eyes, curves that won’t quit, and legs that go all the way up? This is gonna be spicy!

We alternate perspectives for each of our entrepid pair as we learn a bit of back story for each character. Wilven is trying to regain favor with his Adventurer’s Guild after a failed quest. Wren is trying to make a name for herself at the College of Arcana, is tired of living under the shadow of her famous family name, and has a general problem with authority figures. It’s a tale as old as time. Before long, there’s a quest commissioned to try to rid the local region of a continuous rain storm which almost certainly has supernatural causes. You’d never guess which seemingly incompatible pair gets chosen for this high task: an apprentice level mage and a single paladin. I don’t want to spoil anything, but after you finish the story, you can’t help but think the Guild and the College were sending these two on a suicide mission in order to get rid of a few “problems”. 

So since this is a Smut Vault piece, it kinda goes without saying that Wilven’s Vow (and his trousers) eventually fall. I shan’t reveal what that means for the plot, but on the merits of the naughty scenes themselves, I will say that they felt a touch too brief. This story has more overall plot than just your run-of-the-mill erotica piece, I just wish there was a bit more detail and breadth to the lovemaking, especially when you consider how repressed Wilven’s sexuality is compared to Wren’s. There was so much potential for a sort of “I can show you the world…” element to the story. 

As far as the overall arc is concerned, I enjoyed it. The pacing of the last third or so felt a little rushed, with several twists and turns thrown in. In the end, I think How to Play a Paladin is like an adult romantic story version of Skyrim; if you’ve never followed the fantasy genre, you won’t be clueless as to what’s happening and can enjoy it. However, I’m sure there are some hardcore neckbeards out there lamenting how us “filthy casuals” have watered down fantasy content. Whatever. Lick my steel boots. Give How to Play a Paladin a read, it isn’t terribly long and is infinitely more fun than any fetch quest.

Special thanks to M. Reed for providing a review copy of How to Play a Paladin to TehBen.com. All thoughts and opinions are our own.
Author’s Twitter: @M_Reed_Reads
Purchase Link: Amazon

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