All aboard the choo-choo train! You might be unfamiliar with Thomas the Tank Engine, but I’m surrounded by Thomas themed crap every single waking moment of every single day. It’s literally fucking jammed in every nook and cranny of this house. We have around 900 miles of plastic track and hundreds of battery powered trains scattered across the floor at all times. I often use the Super Station as a makeshift footrest whenever I’m binge watching some Thomas and Friends while sprawled out on the couch. I’ve even tried cashing in on this Thomas trend myself as one of my more popular videos features a quick repair of the Sky High Bridge Jump, featuring me wearing Tour de France bicycle spandex shorts for some odd reason.
Kids these days totally have no idea how well they’ve got it. These ungrateful little WiFi hoarders have any and all possible forms of entertainment available at the press of a single button or poorly slurred keyword. Back in my day, if you happened to miss a Legend of Zelda episode on a Friday afternoon during the Super Mario Brothers Super Show, you were completely fucked and had to wait another two months until it was aired again!
Well, excuuuuse me, Princess!
Being at the whim and will of the networks were indeed very dark days, and our narrow selection of options were obviously very limited. Today, anybody with a cheap tablet and access to MS Paint and Windows Movie Maker can use their limitless talent AND mind-blowing cinematic vision to bring the worst ideas to life!
The normal, licensed Thomas videos and DVD’s are already pretty good as it is, especially the ones that contain tales of extreme train punishment, kid-friendly thematic racism, and fuckin’ shitloads of Alec Baldwin. While these clips are wholesome, family-friendly entertainment, a brisk web search can reveal some even better fan-made Thomas the Tank Engine content specifically for kids. Sit back and enjoy all of these special gems with your lovely children: Timmy, Chad, and Gonzalo!
5. World-Class CGI Thomas
In this video, we have the heartwarming tale of James the steam engine, who again is being berated for being late for his shift by his boss, a guy named The Fat Controller. This story is told lovingly through beautifully rendered 3-D environments and extremely fluid and lifelike character animations. Your child will love how much James is modeled after their favorite YouTube character, Momo, who is loved and admired universally by all children around the world. Be sure to turn up the volume for this one, as it is has been mastered amazingly well for a seven year old with no tech hardware other than a PBS Kids tablet and a few jugs of mouthwash at their disposal. This is truly a breathtaking piece of art from someone who truly cares about this intellectual property.
4. Biggie Smalls Thomas!
The Thomas the Tank Engine theme song is both mildly pleasing and gentle to the ears because it’s softening you up to watch a show about indentured trains with human faces. Stylistically, it’s pretty great on its own, but it’s just missing those special lyrics to make it truly memorable. This soaring remix version of the theme song (featuring a dead rapper) takes it to that next level as you and your child can both learn about why Dre needs a stern talking to and other assorted tips about firearm safety. This version is also an extended cut, since kids of all ages just cannot get enough of Biggie’s sick rhymes and dope-ass hustle. Be sure to play this one loudly and proudly outside of your child’s preschool! (RIP Biggie)
3. Fun Underpass Rave Kids!
Boy howdy, do these kids know how to party! They all came out of the comfort of their parent’s basements to see some totally sick cyber goth bands, but were turned away at the entrance because they were too cool (and also had too many wallet chains). On the surface, this would seem like a sad situation, but instead of wallowing in a state of perpetual sadness, they instead banded together to MAKE THEIR OWN party, complete with sick dance moves and glow sticks, all taking place underneath a busy highway overpass in the middle of August. This video just goes to show that if you genuinely have hope and happiness inside your heart, it can transcend the gallon of black eyeliner that you have slathered across your face. While these lovely cyber goth dance bois are only a single generation and genre removed from Juggalos, I can guarantee that they smell better.
2. Thomas the Thermonuclear Bomb!
I know I’ve stayed up many a night dreaming of the one day that someone would decide to use MS Paint to animate the heartwarming story of that one special day that Thomas decided to unexpectedly “drop in” to Tidmouth Sheds. Thankfully, this masterful artist has graced us with this dream-state level of artistic perfection. Some people think the most accurate portrayal of the human cost of a nuclear detonation was best captured in Terminator 2: Judgement Day, but I think this version is clearly superior (and also has zero Edward Furlong). Oh, it is such a blessing to see the look on the Fat Controller’s face when he finally realizes what that cheeky tank engine/weapon of mass destruction Thomas has done!
1. George Carlin Outtakes!
The plethora of tales from the Isle of Sodor have been narrated over the years from famous, yet extremely dedicated Thomas fanatics such as Ringo Starr, Alec Baldwin, and “7 Words” George Carlin! Here is the first video of one of his funny outtake reels where he mispronounces a few key words and some of the character names. It just goes to show you that even the best voice actors still screw up sometimes. We are truly blessed that somebody decided to not throw these out and keep these mistakes on tape for posterity for everyone’s enjoyment for years to come. Your children will roll of the floor with laughter as George decides to finally vocalize what’s really on Thomas’s mind!
I hope you’ve enjoyed every one of these quality, wholesome videos while snuggled up with your kids- Jeffrey, Tatum, and Swole. Just a quick disclaimer, tho- If you’ve taken any of my advice at any point during this article: Congratulations! you are somehow an even worse parent than I am!
Teh Ben is a Thomas enthusiast who usually spends his afternoons teaching lemon sharks how to ride on public transportation. Be sure to visit his terrible Twitter, Instagram, or YouTube channel, but only if there are no other options available to you.