Life Without a Fastball: Part IV- Tweet Storm

When we last met the lanky lad Zippy Dachemlow, he passed one of his first big tests as a professional baseball player. Zippy proved himself to be an effective Closer, and was returned to his starting role for the 1st place New Hampshire Fisher Cats. Will Zippy be able to stay in the groove and make the AA All-Star team? Let’s explore all these questions and more in the fourth chapter of Life Without a Fastball…

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“LOL this glove makes it so easy.” -Zippy Dachemlow

This is finally getting real. Zippy is now becoming a complete ball player. While not throwing the most common pitch in the history of the game, Zippy has learned to field, pitch to different situations, and has even learned how to spit sunflower seeds effectively. It was inevitable that Zippy would be asked by a teammate for his cell phone number, to be able to keep in touch during off days. In response to this query, Zippy could only stare at him blankly. His teammate tried to clarify,

“You know man, a PHONE?! Don’t you even have a Twitter, bro?”

After a few minutes of slack-jawed gawking, Zippy headed to his local shopping mall kiosk for the finest prepaid smart phone he could find, sold by the one of the most high-pressure salespeople to ever wear a tie clip and expired spray tanner.

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Zippy finds a new nickname. #FoolMaker

One of the charming little add-ons with the revamped career mode of MLB: The Show 18 is a running Twitter feed that takes the pulse of your player and team’s performance in the eyes of fans, the media, and occasionally, your fellow players.

Unfortunately, there’s no platform to send any tweets yourself, but that suits Zippy (and his complete lack of smartphone skills) just fine. In many ways, he feels like he’s learning a new language and would hate to communicate something the wrong way.

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Zippy brings half his game paycheck to the lucky young man, misunderstanding yet another ritual.
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Zippy attempts to confront this “1st Baseman” asshole about his conflicting intelligence reports

Zippy even receives a hot tip from the rumor mill about his own progress within the ball club.

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Translation: Zippy will be standing outside Fungo’s office first thing in the morning for a discussion.

After an inconclusive meeting with Fungo the Fisher Cat, some more pressing news has arrived. After receiving a record number of fan votes, Zippy Dachemlow is elected to the AA All-Star game as the starting pitcher! For the first time, Zippy gets to walk into a major league ballpark. Facing fresh opponents from other divisions, Zippy’s unique off-speed (i.e. no speed) approach baffles this new crop of prospects, and Zippy leaves Yankee stadium to a standing ovation by the crowd…and is poised to soon return to the public eye in a Toronto uniform in short order, no doubt.

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Just as Zippy returns to New Hampshire after the All-Star Game festivities, he’s quickly asked to see the manager. As first reported by the New Hampshire Post, Zippy’s time as a Fisher Cat has come to a bittersweet end. Perhaps in a move orchestrated by his government, or perhaps due to his un-hittable screwball, Zippy Dachemlow is officially called up to the Syracuse Chiefs of the AAA Eastern League. With a tear in his eye and hope in his heart, Zippy tips his cap and shakes the paw of his first proper baseball mentor.

“Fungo, sir….-sniff-…’s been an honor” he manages to blurt out, in between blubbering sobs and sunflower-seed filled drool.

The unfailingly confused SNHU student and part-time mascot finally breathes a sigh of relief as he makes sure Zippy boards the bus to his next assignment. It would seem that his first chapter appears to be finally complete. Will Zippy’s play style prove as effective against borderline major league talent? How will Zippy cope with a team with TWO MASCOTS??? Will Zippy be able to use his limited understanding of Twitter to dig up racist shit about his teammates?

Find out next time on Life Without a Fastball!

Follow Matt on Twitter as he continues his search for anti-establishment tweets written by Aaron Judge

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