Well, here we are, ten days away from Christmas. So far, this winter season has only consisted of a single “bad” snowstorm that dumped a whole pants-shitting two inches of snow. Other than those couple crappy days, almost every day has been decent motorcycle weather up here in the Mile High.
Around town, it’s not even worth the gas to drive around the city to gaze upon lavishly decorated houses. Most people around here can’t even be bothered to light up their homes with a couple strings of lights or a tape a couple laser pointers to a turntable.
At this point, it still feels like the Big Day is still at least an entire month away!
So what’s a guy got to do to get some Christmas cheer in his pants around here? My last Christmas article was more Bon Scott than Bing Crosby, so I can personally shoulder some of the blame for spreading shitty holiday cheer. But if you really want to deck some motherfuckin’ halls, here’s my personal guide for getting yourself in a more Christmas filled mood, even if your environment isn’t cooperating.
5. Watch the Pac Man Christmas Special!
Even though this isn’t a YouTube link, the Pac Man Christmas Special can be viewed in full by clicking on the big icon above. If you’ve ever been a big fan of early 80’s animation and video games, this weird Pac Man cartoon has everything you’ve ever wanted. Filled with tennis gags and recycled Jetson’s sound effects, this bizarre take on Christmas is exclusively voiced by voice actors from Jersey. If you hate cartoons, or if you don’t have 20 minutes to spare, I’ll just sum it up this wonderful tale for you: Santa crash lands in Pac Land, stumbles around high as balls, and Christmas is saved by force-feeding the reindeer cocaine. You just cannot get more 80’s than my last sentence.
4. Narrate the Frustrated Sexual Undertones Hiding in Wham’s Last Christmas
Back in the 80’s, George Michael and his band were marketed as delicious ultra-straight sexual chocolate. But they totally weren’t, and that’s totally cool. But they had to market this video to a far less progressive audience at the time, so they had to resort to pulling off some damn fine acting.
The video and song (which is my favorite holiday tune of all-time) has the band and a large group of other couples day-squatting at a giant ski chalet at the base of K2. After they move in, they spend the day skiing and throwing snowballs and shit at each other. At night, they all hang out at the cartoonishly giant table sipping wine. Even though there is a certain amount of cheese to this whole thing, the overall context and tone of this video still tells a better love story than Twilight. But you can add another dimension of fun to this video if you narrate the torrid and steamy looks everyone gives each other over the course of this 4 minute clip. If you can’t get your head into the Last Christmas sexual frustration narration game, let me get you started:
3. Drink Some Ol’ Fo’ Whisky!
Back when I was a wee lad, my only drinking option were repeated day raids on Swamp Thing’s parents’ liquor cabinet. For quite a long time, we were forced to drink some pretty horrific twenty year old bottles of old port wine and other assorted dusty shit. But at the very back of the cabinet, behind the Annie Green Springs and the Thunderbird, we discovered an ancient bottle of “Ol Fo”. The taste of this stuff absolutely blew our underage socks off, and became our favorite brand of whisky from that point forward.
It’s extremely cheap swill, but still manages to retain a delicious and refined panache. It tastes far superior to most of the top-shelf name brand whiskys. A fresh bottle always gets broken out around the holidays at the moment we run out of rum and need to get on the fast track to surefire intoxication. I always pour myself a few shots every Christmas night in honor of friends and family that are no longer with us. I know, it’s a rather depressing tradition, but in my opinion, it’s still an important part of the holiday.
2. Play Parasite Eve! (PS1)
Even though our Christmas weather is more Californian than Coloradoan, at any point you can boot up this ancient classic and instantly enjoy a snowy New York Christmas. When a giant rogue mitochondria evolves to attack New York during an opera, it’s up to you to shoot every creature that has been crossbred with afterbirth. Yeah, it’s a really weird game, but the gorgeous and immersive setting makes this game a holiday favorite.
Most of the polygon graphics in this game haven’t aged well, but the FMV sequences are still phenomenal all of these years later. If you ever have an itch to play a game that blends Resident Evil’s gross-out factor with turn-based Final Fantasy gunplay, then this game is your jam. I have a virtual copy on my PS3, and an original PS1 physical copy. And no, you can’t borrow it.
1. Watch the Schweddy Balls SNL Skit!
As far as holiday SNL sketches go, this one is at the top of my list. I love everything about this skit- the weird and uncomfortable NPR vibe, the least irritating of the Baldwins, and the wonderful bathroom humor. These three deliver their lines flawlessly without ever breaking character or laughing. I could watch this clip all day.
Go forth and make the most of this holiday. You’ve only got ten more days!
(…and 9 more shopping days).
TEHBEN.COM 