5 Movies That Should Have Been Directed by David Cronenberg

I’m a film lover, but let’s be honest – it’s a flawed medium. Not every director is able to fully utilize the visual and aural canvas that filmmaking presents them with.

For starters, the entire film canon could be improved if they all included at least one eldritch squirming mass of flesh. If I go to the theater and I don’t see someone getting erotically penetrated by a flesh tentacle or a womb full of cursed ugly children…well that’s automatically two stars knocked off the score right there. Why would I go to the movies to see a normal person with a normal amount of limbs?! I can see that at the grocery store!

There’s only one guy who really GETS it – David Cronenberg, director of horny body horror like The Fly, Videodrome, and Crash. That guy sees any inanimate object and is like, “yeah I’m gonna figure out a way to make this both hideous AND make my characters want to fuck it!” It’s that kind of ingenuity that the current stale film market needs. Want to save failing theaters? Fill the marquee with movies directed by the Baron of Blood!

In fact, there are many movies that would be markedly improved if Mr. Cronenberg had been at the helm.

12 Angry Men

Yeah, yeah, 12 Angry Men is a classic that tackles class and the justice system. It’s near-perfect on its own…. BUT!

Consider Cronenberg taking these twelve sweaty dudes, and introducing a plot element where the longer they’re in the room, the less human they become. These guys have to decide the fate of a young man, but they just want to go home…AND keep their limbs unfused!

Would this additional plot element obfuscate the core themes of the script? Yes! Do I care? No! Everything can be made better with body horror! Hell, maybe the jurors will have a melty flesh orgy while they’re in there, too. Get wild with it, Davey!

Ready Player One

Both the book and the 2018 movie adaptation here was chock full of fanservice and wish-fulfillment for nerds. The virtual reality fantasy takes a wholly uncritical eye at consumerism and escapism, and that’s all fine and good for a popcorn flick. But imagine if the dude who wrote eXistenZ helmed the movie? He coulda gotten real eXistenTial up in that bitch.

If he had somehow gotten signed on to this movie instead of Spielberg? Hoo boy. First of all, there’d totally be some horny bullshit where players have to enter the VR world via a phallic tentacle wire. Phallic tentacles obviously improve any piece of media regardless.
On top of that, Cronenberg would have introduced some insane themes about characters diving into OASIS and then completely dissociating from their real-world bodies. I want to see someone have a mental breakdown about the nature of existence while doing a battle royale with both Freddy Krueger and Pac-Man!!

The Notebook

This epic romance stars Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling as two lovers who stay together for decades despite all the hardships they’ve faced together. People love this movie, but you know what? I didn’t think it was nearly horny enough. Cronenberg would have injected this movie with waaaaaaaay more pussy.

Plus, the obstacles the leads in The Notebook face aren’t even that big of a deal. It’s nothing compared to what Seth Brundle and Ronnie Quaife’s romance deals with in The Fly. I sincerely doubt that Noah would have built a house for Allie had she turned into a pus-filled freak. The whole movie should be reframed as an old man reading the story of their romance to his wife who has morphed into a hideous creature.

Kramer vs Kramer

Cronenberg essentially made his own Kramer vs Kramer when he wrote and directed The Brood, a film about a mentally ill woman who keeps creating hellspawn after losing custody of her daughter. Funnily enough, despite not having seen the film, it was Kramer vs Kramer that inspired him to write The Brood’s screenplay in the first place.

So, basically, I just want to see The Brood again, but this time starring Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep. The world of cinema is sorely lacking in the “Meryl Streep licking a demon fetus” department!

Anchorman

I just think that when Ron Burgundy said, “go fuck yourself San Diego,” his head should have exploded à la Scanners.

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I could go on like this forever here. I really think David Cronenberg’s nasty ass can elevate just about anything. Give him a kid’s show! Let him direct televangelists! GIVE ME MORE FLESHAPOD BEASTS!!

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