On the top floor the towering pink and purple TehBen office building located somewhere between Colorado and Maryland, a fed up Associate Editor is flipping through documents. With an ever growing pile of crumpled papers and bad ideas, he takes to his notepad to draft a letter to a promising young nerd with some questionable interests…
Dear Jenn Coulter,
TehBen.com is in dire need of your assistance! I’ll be blunt, we’re just about out of ideas. With our editor Ben cooling his heels in Mexico after that unfortunate steamroller/clown parade incident, and with the door to Nelson Rockingham’s sex dungeon being jammed by an umbrella, I feel it’s finally time to turn to some new talent for help. From what I’ve seen on your blog and on twitter, I can only hope to put you to work for our readers before the FBI catch wind of your lurid search histories.
For your assignment I ask this of you: it’s come to my attention that you’re a fan of films…but moreover films with a lot of fucked-up ideas. I want you to introduce yourself to TehBen’s
10s of millions of faithful readers, and show them what makes you tick through dissection of some horrible movies. As I see it’s -shuffles papers- October, how about you show us some spooky shit, and get real macabre with your choices? I don’t have any robots to lend you for sidekicks, but I’m sure you’ll do fine just being yourself. I’d love to help, but I’ve got 50,000 pesos, a crowbar and a whole lot of moxie…it’s time to take back my Editor.
Oh wow, finally, my nights of watching bad movies are finally paying off! I’m here to provide for TehBen’s readers by telling YOU about horny, low-rated movies so that YOU don’t have to watch them!
And let me tell you, I have done the Lord’s work for you by watching Boris Szulzinger’s Mama Dracula. This one is baaaaaaaaad, folks. The director’s previous film was an animated feature about, um, penises kidnapping a jungle woman, so I had a vague idea of this movie’s trash caliber going in. Somehow, it was worse than expected.
Mama Dracula is about Peter Van Bloed (pronounced “Blood”), a scientist working on creating artificial blood. He receives an obviously fake letter inviting him to a blood convention signed “Scientifically Yours, Countess Dracula.” Naturally, he heads right on out without question.
Upon arriving in Transylvania, he goes to an inn and is immediately thrust into the arms of a busty blonde woman. The busty woman’s father eggs her on to dance with Van Bloed, and she tells him that she wishes to make “kissy-kissy bang-bang” with him. Van Bloed cups her breasts and yells “HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO” into them, because that’s a normal thing that people do when presented with titties. We’re only fifteen minutes into the movie, and I can already feel my life force draining.
It turns out that the reason Nameless Cleavage Woman’s dad is egging her on to fuck Van Bloed is because virgins are being sacrificied to Countess Dracula. Despite being explicitly told that the woman he’s about to visit bathes in the blood of virgins, Van Bloed is still convinced that there’s a National Blood Convention and heads to her castle. We’re introduced to the Countess and her creepy twin sons. Countess explains that there’s no blood convention (duh), but that she’ll pay Van Bloed a million dollars to create a never-ending supply of fake virgin blood for her to bathe in. She explains that in these “decadent times” there is a virgin shortage, which makes it hard for her to exfoliate or whatever.
Except that there’s…not really a virgin shortage at all. The Countess owns a boutique with a trick dressing room, and this is where they get their supply of virgins. It’s a really easy process, too – the girls go into the dressing room, flash their boobies for the camera, and then one of the brothers just…asks them if they’re virgins. If they say yes, they faint and are taken back to be harvested. They do all this in broad daylight while there are other customers in the store.
The only person they can’t kidnap is the Nameless Cleavage Woman from the beginning. She ends up having sex with a detective sent to investigate the various virgin disappearances. The whole town cheers her on and congratulates her for finally being free of her virginity. Then…the inn explodes? I can’t even begin to explain the detective plotline. All I can tell you is that he had a female assistant whom Van Bloed falls in love with, and I had to hear him say the line “my grapes are quivering.” This is exhausting. I feel like I’ve been watching this movie for my entire life.
Everyone’s fake accents are so ridiculously bad. Between that and the horrible sound mixing, the movie is completely incoherent. Van Bloed’s character makes no sense, because sometimes he’s terrified of the vampires and their blood-sucking, but other times he is absolutely horny for blood. Lousie Fletcher is decent as Countess Dracula, but she can’t save this trainwreck. I don’t know how they even got her signed ON. She had turned out her iconic performance as Nurse Ratchet just five years earlier – had Hollywood put her in a slump already? The movie is…barely even about her, anyways. It’s more about her creepy twins.
God, those fucking twins. The director apparently thought these guys were great, so there are a bunch of random montages of them doing HiLaRiOuS things like peeing in a sink, pretending to be sheep, pretending to be monkeys, pretending to be a clock, pretending to know how to act, etc etc. Also, it’s implied that they fuck their mom, because this movie needed to be more repulsive, I guess.
There’s ONE good joke in this entire movie. ONE. It’s revealed that the vampires aren’t repulsed by the crucifix, but by the Star of David. That’s kind of funny, yeah? Except that the framing of this joke is a little girl flashing her Star of David underwear at one of the twins. Why? This is not the content I came here for. I just wanted to see vampire titties. Incidentally, the streaming service I watched this on kept cutting in with PSAs about child abuse, which…really added a whole new layer of uncomfortable to my movie-watching experience.
Mama Dracula sounds like it was recorded inside an Applebee’s bathroom. It looks like it was filmed in the dark on a lens smeared with peanut butter. It plays out like a horny dinner theater show. Worse, it plays out like a horny dinner theater show where the manager of the restaurant cast his two nephews to overtake the production. Even I, a connoisseur of garbage, had a hard time getting through this abomination.
Please don’t watch Mama Dracula, but if you really must, it’s free on TubiTV with the occasional ad. I’m going to go shrivel up now. Maybe my next pick will be less soul-sucking. …Maybe.
Follow Jenn on Twitter for more fucked up movies, and you’ll probably learn a little something about anime eyebrows along the way. A true renaissance woman, indeed.