Weird Science: What 10 Hours Of “I Play Pokemon GO Everyday” Does To The Human Mind

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last couple months, they’ve released a mobile phone based Pokemon game that has been a huge hit with the 30 year old crowd. The game uses real world locations to catch all the imaginary monsters, with the ability to take over popular landmarks. I like this game so much that I even made my own YouTube video of my exploits. But do I play Pokemon GO everyday?

Good stuff, huh? I got completely sidetracked by the discovery of Crystal Pepsi while out being obnoxious in public.

So this game has become a phenomenon not only in the Google Play store, but has also become a huge deal on YouTube. No greater viral hit has come from this game than the following video, made by a little Czech kid named Misha who just wants nothing more than to play Pokemon GO everyday…

Did you see that? Almost 21 million fucking views. I would sell a kidney for exposure like that (and I’m pretty sure it’s gonna come down to that). It’s dumb, it’s extremely off-key, but it’s just a harmless song written for a laugh. It’s quite possibly the most dorky thing you’ve ever seen, but it’s completely harmless to the general public.

…Unless you are a YouTube comment person. In that case, you’re kind of an asshole.

I may even be a bit of a jerk myself. When that video only had 3 million views, I left a comment myself along the lines of “This is the soundtrack inside the mind of a serial killer. Please make a ten hour version!”. This could easily be taken as being mean-spirited, but I still gave the video a thumbs up.

And to my dismay, would you believe that some extremely bored soul would actually go and cut and paste ten hours’ worth of that audio and upload it? People really choose stupid shit to do with the little free time they have. But seeing as I may have been the guy who planted this horrible seed a month ago, I’ve decided that I am going to donate my body, brain and eardrums to science with…

THE I PLAY POKEMON GO EVERYDAY 10 HOUR ENDURANCE CHALLENGE!

I have an extra weekend day here on September 4, 2016. I have nothing planned, so I have a ten hour block of free time to enjoy this video and see it through to the end. I have a case of Mountain Dew, a couple Valiums, and 15 different notebooks to doodle in. But in this brutal contest of the human spirit, there’s gotta be rules:

1. No Breaks! Where ever I go the next ten hours, the laptop must be toted along with me at full volume. This wonderful song goes with into the bathroom, the garage, whatever. Nothing can escape “I Play Pokemon GO Everyday”.
2. No Alcohol. Even though booze sounds like the best way to go, I can almost guarantee I will drink a handle in under a half hour which will require yet another trip the emergency room.
3. NO BREAKS PERIOD! Even if I have any visitors come by, the show must go on unabated. If I have to suffer this fate, so should they.
4. No naps. I can’t imagine the horrors that would be unleashed in a subconscious state of mind. Fuck that.
5. Have Fun!!

You can play along too! Here’s the masterpiece embedded right here so you can see if you have the endurance to do it as well. Good luck.

09/04/2016 at 10:45am-

Pressing play right now. Let’s do this!!

10:50am-

I really hope that Century Link comes through for me (like any normal day) and the router shits itself. One can only pray.

11:25am-

This is a cute song, but at nearly an hour in, I have decided I genuinely hate it.

11:50am-

I’m really beginning to question my life choices.

12:40pm-

Two. Fucking. Hours. Down. I got bored and did the math. One play equals 1:16. one hour equals 47.3 plays. Therefore, ten hours are at least 473 fucking plays. And I’ve only managed to make it through 94 so far. This is stupid.

12:50pm-

Took a dump to the tune of “I Play Pokemon GO everyday”. Slight mood improvement.

1:05pm-

Time has stopped. The past, the present, the future do not exist any longer. I can’t even do anything productive at this point. It’s impossible to write jokes when your ears are begging you to do nothing but jam butter knives inside them.

1:34pm-

I grabbed my acoustic guitar and started figuring out the tune. Unfortunately, it’s just as simple as it sounds. The “wicked guitar solo” consists of a whopping 21 notes. I thought this would have been a fun exercise, but I figured it out almost instantly from having it permanently burned into my brain already.

1:39pm-

Tried to add some cool stuff to this song, nothing works. But playing random sour notes over it is at least adding some sort of variation, but I’m done trying to polish this turd.

1:55pm-

This song is so bad, that it even makes food taste bitter. I just ate a Big Mac that tasted like a flea collar. Usually Big Macs taste like masking tape.

2:15pm-

Now I’m mixing tracks over it. I have the screen split with the video and the Zune player and I’m playing tracks on top of it to see if I can be the next Skrillex. So far, the only track that works at all is Bow Wow Wow’s I Want Candy, and yet, it still sounds like a dumpster fire.

2:24pm-

I saw a face. The dude embedded a demon face in a few frames of video. It looked like Tim Curry in Legend. I swear I saw it. They are watching me.

2:39pm-

I made a drawing. Still does not hold a candle to the hatred I have for this song. I also made another drawing, but it was Pikachu achieving the same fate as that one Wayans Brother in the bathroom stall scene in Scary Movie.

3:04pm-

All I can taste is blood. I’m pretty sure my vital organs have started a petition to have me stick my head inside a microwave. At this point, I’ve heard the fucking Pokemon song 204 times. I’m also starting to get extreme intestinal cramping and an especially mean headache.

3:43pm-

I got bored and started using a GPS ghost to try and place my Pokemon hunter dude elsewhere. Ended up somewhere off the coast of Florida and did not catch any Pokemons, and I think I got banned in the process. I may not be able to play Pokemon GO everyday anymore.

4:00pm-

When I wake up, I’m grabbing my phone. I wanna catch ’em all. I want to play Pokemon. All day long, all day long…

4:15-

I am the Eggplant, I am the Walnuts. GoooGoooGajoooooob. My soul has left my body.

4:31-

Laptop is slammed shut and thrown across the room. My body hurts, I can’t form basic sentences and I am unable to focus my eyes on anything. I ended up stripping naked and curling up on the cold concrete floor of the garage in the fetal position. I am happier here. I feel a cricket climbing on my ass and I don’t care. Leave me in my shame.

Conclusion:

I didn’t even make it six hours into this thing and I lost my mind. This whole ten hour thing is meant to be taken purely as a joke and nothing more. I fear that if I would have heard that fucking Pokemon song one more time, I would have been able to tear a hole in this dimension, peer into the darkness and then immediately jump inside. It’s nothing to be taken lightly, and should only be used in light doses. This video only has value in terrorist negotiation. I am convinced this 10 hour version can induce acute psychosis in even the most stable of test subjects. 

JUST SAY NO TO I PLAY POKEMON GO EVERYDAY!!!!!!