Every week, TEHBEN.COM will be featuring a new advice column that focuses on solving questions posed by our readers involving love, relationships, and everything else. Our site columnist is prisoner #360772, who is currently doing 45 years in a Supermax prison, convicted of several grisly crimes that he swears he had absolutely nothing to do with. Despite his faults as a human being (and being overly bad at criminal-ing) he is a renowned expert on the human condition and dating.
Dear Prisoner #360772,
You’re so dreamy. I just want to play connect the dots with all the words tattooed on your face to craft a romance novel.
I know, I’m rambling incoherently. But I do have a question, What do you use to make the best prison wine? I’ve tried making dandelion wine before but it ended up tasting like rancid moose piss. What secret tricks are involved?
-Michelle R. LITTLETON, CO
Finally. Some person finally sends me a question that doesn’t involve any relationship shit. I don’t know who keeps saying I’m an expert in all that, but it’s definitely starting to piss me off. So I appreciate you asking me advice about something I am actually good at (other than first-degree murder).
Pruno is a passion of mine because I love using science to make a drink that will fuck you up while still confined by society’s bonds. If you do it right, you can be the most popular guy in the cell block. If you fuck it up, you run a high chance of losing your sight/killing people, so be careful while fermenting your batch.
All I do is procure a waterproof bag, sneak some leftover food and condiments (especially sugar) and I’m set. I fill up the bag with water from the toilet (I refer to it as “eau de toilette”, which instantly gives it some class) and I add corn and sugar and anything else tasty that will add some mad flavor to my booze. Avoid using meats or jerky, that just turns the water into a swamp full of assholes. After you mix everything up, let your bag sit in the corner of your cell for a few weeks to let the yeast that are floating around in the air show up to do their job. It makes me angry that fucking yeast has more freedom than I do.
After it smells like a dumpster full of beer, you are set to go! Strain out all of the gross shit with a sock into another bag, and light the top of the liquid on fire to extinguish the meth-a-nol (I just wanted to say “meth” out of heartache). Your concoction is ready to drink or be traded for skin mags! Remember that the more sugar you have, the more alcohol you get in the end.
If I ever get out of here, I’m seriously considering starting up a prison wine brewery. I hope you will order a few bottles of Eau De Freedom Foots in the future.
P.s. – If you try to arrange any of the words on my face, I will rearrange your face.
Have a question for our romance columnist? Direct them in e-mail format to firstname.lastname@example.org (subject line: Badvice)