THE TEN TYPES OF FRIENDS IN YOUR NEWSFEED

FACEBOOK HEADER

In this internet-bred First World, a physical presence on social media has become the rite of genuine existence as human beings.  Not only is Facebook used by the IRS and NSA to track your movements, spending, and how much you like Celine Dion’s status updates, but it is your lasting digital fingerprint on the universe.  Case in point? I have several unborn fetuses on my friends list, and even the robot car on Mars likes to send me messages on occasion, even if they are just complaints about how Mars needs women badly.

Rover Pic

Facebook is an unstoppable giant in this realm of social media; everything from a bag of potatoes to the disgusting bathroom at the Circle K has its own fan page.  There’s just not much competition in this realm of the internets.  Twitter is a whirlwind mess of hash tags, bad inside jokes and nonsensical conversations that you only see one side of.  Instagram is stuffed full of terrible things like furry porn and beautiful photos ruined from overdoing it with the sepia filter and ridiculous photo aging effects.  Google Plus is a lot like Facebook, but it’s more like Facebook’s retarded little brother that nobody likes and only geeks use.

Simply put, EVERYONE and EVERYTHING on this earth has a Facebook account, but at the same time, not everyone genuinely deserves one.  While a large majority of your friends in your news feed stick to the basics, there are those that go above and beyond to irritate you to no lengths, unaware of how obnoxious they are behaving.  With that in mind, I’ve employed the Nerdies to help illustrate the ten types of people that fill your virtual world with their silly self-imposed itinerary and political agenda.

The Face-Lurkers:

".............."

“…………..”

Also known as: The Face-Stalkers, The Watchers, The Children of the Corn, Mom

Face-Lurkers are the type of people who have a Facebook account, log in regularly, read all of it but take no action towards anything.  They never “like” or share things, and will only post a very small amount of personal content each year.  They certainly do not like to draw attention to themselves, but take in any and all information they are exposed to, much like a sponge.  If you ever get a chance to catch up with them in real life, you will feel like there’s almost too much ground to cover since you’ve last spoke. It turns into a real uncomfortable moment when you realize they already know about every slight thing you posted over the course of the entire year (including that one time the SWAT team beat you up in your underwear).

Mr. Marijuana Advocate Guy

Paaaaaassss the Dutchie to...whatever, man.

Paaaaaassss the Dutchie to…whatever, man.

Also known as: Bob Marley Never Died, Hemp-hop-a-potamus

What could possibly be the downside to legalizing marijuana? Now that there is lessened legal stigma attached to those who partake in a recreational bong hit from time to time, and they really want to show pictures of themselves doing it; all day long.  They love sharing recipes for anything that pot can be stuffed into, glazed with or infused with and they talk about doing this every day to every meal.   Advocate Guys are well-known for being the ones who post about how they have to SMOKE IT UP LIKE A CHAMP all morning, and later in the afternoon ask the peanut gallery if they know of any job openings.  These guys are the go-to source for any and all marijuana information and misinformation, backed up by thousands of links to show us how pot magically cures ass cancer, hepatitis A, and makes monkeys not jerk off nearly as much they normally would.

Keep that shit real, Bob Marley.

Right Wing Crazy

"Guns, glory, and a cousin who will submit easily.."

“Guns, glory, and a cousin who will submit easily..”

Also known as: F the Government Guy, Zombies and Criminals Will Eat Us If You Take Our Guns Guy, Obama is a Space Alien Terrorist Guy, Mr. One Step below the Westboro Baptist Church

The Right Wing Crazy is a guy who relentlessly posts all sorts of unsubstantiated articles from the Blaze, despite the Blaze having an accuracy rating slightly worse than Stevie Wonder at a shooting range.  Whenever the news corrects any of these silly assumptions bought on this shitty biased reporting, they never seem to ever cop responsibility to any of these corrections.  Despite the economy recovering at a snail’s pace, they are all convinced that at any moment, the government is going to collapse upon itself and it will turn into Mad Max Times.  Any small hiccup with technology (like the 4 hour shutdown for SNAP) is the high trumpet of the apocalypse, and you better have a stockpile of guns, ammo, and Beef-a-Roni ready to survive, because we’re all  totally fucked.

Left Wing Crazy:

"My Karma ate your Dogma and had sex with your Chakra".

“My Karma ate your Dogma and had sex with your Chakra”.

Also known as The Libtard, The Damn Dirty Hippie, The Enlightened One, The Prius Salesman

The Left Wing Crazy is the guy who relentlessly posts all sorts of unsubstantiated articles from the Huffington Post despite the Post not having any access at all to any research materials.  In all honesty, in this digital day and age, the rush to get the story first by a matter of seconds leads to a lot of misreporting on either side of the coin.  The Left Wing Crazy loves to post about homeopathic cures for anything and everything, and is absolutely convinced everything in the food supply is poisoned.  They will gladly share delicious tofu avocado loaf recipes and will chastise you constantly for not owning a Prius.  They are trying desperately to save the earth’s resources (like electricity) by being on the computer all day.  If your news feed is clogged with ten thousand different uses for free-range vinegar, then you definitely have one of these folks in your close-knit circle of friends.

Dr. Apathy

"Why does my life suck so much???...oh yeah, ME".

“Why does my life suck so much???…oh yeah, ME”.

Also known as: Sad Sack Sadie, LOOK AT MY BABBYS, Documentary of Sadness, Debbie Downer

I know life is not always going to be rainbows and unicorn farts, and I am aware everybody goes through a rough patch from time to time.  This, however, is not the case for Dr. Apathy.  No matter what, they are always posting the most depressing, misspelled laments you’ve ever seen.  Here are some of examples of problems that they are often complaining about:

*They made the mistake of marrying a balding troll who sleeps on the recliner all day.

*They are convinced they have a mystery disease that has not been documented by medical science yet.

*The baby daddy/baby momma day to day struggle is ever-present and always a top priority of anyone in the proximity of the blast area.

Dr. Apathy is always looking to find the root cause to his/her perpetual sadness, and has no qualms about divulging the most personal of information to the internet surfing public.  They quickly, and at any moment will shift into TMI mode and will eagerly shout out to friends and family that they are suffering from urinary tract illnesses, sexually transmitted diseases, and the most recent shape that they’ve shaved their pubes into.

The only upside to having a Dr. Apathy in your news feed is that it makes you feel pretty damn good about yourself after seeing an up-close view of some the train wrecks you associate with.

The “Selfie” Addict

"Like, OMG, my butt is SOOOO HUGE!!!!"

“Like, OMG, my butt is SOOOO HUGE!!!!”

Also known as: Duck Lips McGee, Here’s Another Shot of Me Looking Pensive, Your Face is the Only Positive You’ve Got Going for You

The Selfie Addict is easily one of the most irritating people in your feed.  They are constantly uploading new pictures of their face, but this time, turned 1 degree to the left this time with only two chins visible.  When you take a minute to look up their profile picture gallery, there are literally hundreds of basic face shots and nothing else.  The Selfie Addict is really good at cropping out any unsightly body parts (which is usually everything else from the neck down) and fuzzing the details and imperfections out of the picture like they are Barbizon.  After flipping through several hundred photo albums of this persons face, you begin to wonder if they are being held against their will in someone’s basement, because they have no photographic proof of them ever leaving the first couple of feet of space in front of the bathroom mirror.

Most of the time, the Selfie Addict will put sad/demeaning captions underneath the photos they post.  They usually talk about how fat or ugly they look in the picture to try to get positive reinforcement from friends, and it is absolutely awesome when that doesn’t happen.  I’m not saying that attacking people who have self-image problems is ok, but I will admit that I find it hard to believe that someone with an entire gigabyte of face shots think of themselves anything less than a Victoria’s Secret face model.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are the people who are so proud of their little snowflakes that they have their children as a profile picture.  I’ve avoided some friend requests entirely based on the fact I don’t care to make friends with a naked baby sitting in a giant sunflower.

The “Days of Our Lives” Relationship Flipper

"love ya,hate ya, kill ya, sex, hate ya, love ya...."

“love ya,hate ya, kill ya, sex, hate ya, love ya….”

Also known as: The Coin Flip Lover, Mr. and Mrs. Hot N’ Cold, The Light Switch

Ah, behold the all-important and soul-crushing power of the Relationship Status.  It’s the driving force that has driven couples to insane levels of bickering and public shaming.   To be honest, the only people that genuinely care about your relationship status are the kinds of people who troll Facebook for either tang or for wang (or both).  Why on earth does Facebook allow for so many damn different relationship descriptors anyways? Any and all relationships are complicated, not unlike doing an engine rebuild on a 1972 Jeepster Commando.

WE DON’T CARE if you are together, separated, complicated, or are currently engaged to and boning a head of cabbage. But changing that around at the start of every day is making us all start to wonder if you created your significant other’s profile for the sake of fooling others into believing  you are multifaceted with a deep and charming personality.

The Blank Slate

Copy and paste this into your facebook status: I reserve the right to my own likeness, material, and....."

Copy and paste this into your facebook status: I reserve the right to my own likeness, material, and…..

Also known as: The Unoriginal One, The Recycler, The Slacktivist, The “I Think Posting 400 YouTube Videos a Day is Totally Normal” Guy, Spreadin’ Misinformation Like It’s Herpes, Dr. Microsoft Paint M.D.

The Blank Slate makes up 90% of the population on Facebook, who blindly share any terrible JPEG they come across.   In fact, his mindless sharing has really been one of the biggest factors in creating the Facebook juggernaut into what it is today.  The Blank Slate will share anything and everything, from old jokes, intentionally incorrect recipes, and profile pictures of giraffe cocks.  The shared pictures are usually misspelled quotes and poorly worded tales of inspiration slapped on a stock photo using MS Paint by a fourth grader.  I will go out of my way to physically destroy the next person who shares another misspelled motivation quote about how it’s ok to be overweight with stretch marks over a fuzzy picture of Mr. Magoo.

Slacktivists are the biggest pussies of this sub group.  Remember our good buddy Kony? I’m sure that for all of you that did the humanitarian thing like Ghandi, and you shared his picture and actually believe that you magically helped lead to his capture, swift execution and the installation of a utopian democratic society in Uganda.  Nope, that dude is still a tyrannical warlord recruiting and killing kids in Africa, but you’ve already lent out all of your hard effort, so it’s out of your collective conscience already.  Blank Slate Slacktivists also get angel boners by sharing horrible pictures of animal atrocities, the aftermath of violent crimes, and goofy stuff like cancer ribbons.  Simply sharing this crap does absolutely nothing to help the actual cause.  Donate five bucks or something to the cause, if you really feel that strongly about an issue, simply clicking is as weak as it gets.

Mr. Vaguebook

Also known as: Emo Eruption, Question My Mentality, Fractured Sentence Sam

Mr. Vaguebook is the friend in your news feed who has a lot of problems with interpersonal relationships, but are not very talented at expressing these feelings directly to the respective person.  It’s usually something blowing up in his/her face, and they vent their frustrations out to the world in angst-filled status updates that are very broad, general, and aimed at pretty much anyone much like a shotgun filled with sawdust and shattered dreams.

These include updates such as:

“I know what you did. It hurts”.

“I can’t believe that happened”.

“My dad already knows about the dog and the peanut butter trick”.

Normally, they aren’t even complete sentences, and they are all just trying to get instant attention from the one person who wronged them and who is more than likely completely ignoring them.  This is where Mr. Vaguebook fails in life; he does not actually inflict any damage on his target and leaves everyone else in their news feed wondering if they are specifically talking about them instead.

The “OMFG LOOK AT MY DINNER!!!” People

"Loookit this bounty of Top Ramen.  I'm livin' the Miller life, bitches!"

“Loookit this bounty of Top Ramen. I’m livin’ the Miller life, bitches!”

Also known as: Instagram Whores, The Lonely Eater, Giving the Finger Boldly to Everyone Living in Ethiopia

After I pull the can of Beef-a-Roni out the microwave, fumbling around for a stick or something to eat it with, the last thing that is on my mind is that I should snap a photo of this bounty of food and share my amazing meal with my friends.  No, I want to consume this shit, and not pretend that it is America’s Next Top Model.  I can understand if you are a professional chef and you show off a masterful plate, that’s mostly forgivable (sometimes).  Snapping photos of soup, chili and stuff like sloppy joes, however, is a great way to show your friends that you are recovering poorly from a stroke.  I can’t comprehend at all why people do this so much.  Crappy pictures do not allow me to be able to smell or taste it, so for as far as I’m concerned, your magical meal tastes like moose piss. For the last time, Dinner People, I really don’t care that you went all out like a baller and got a Bloomin’ Onion at the Outback for $5.99.

Whenever I see this, I love being the first to comment in the thread, leaving “Wow, your dinner looks a lot like puke”.  I urge each and every one of you to do the same.

(I hope that you notice that I left out the Candy Crush/Farmville/Slotomania request guy out of this article.  I overlooked that category mostly because I’m one of those assclowns myself.)

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