By: Jenn Coulter
Maybe I’m just a cynical piece of shit, but I think all those pregnant couple t-shirts are pretty corny. You know, those shirt sets that are like “does this shirt make me look like a mom?”, “does this shirt make me look like a dad?” or “I’m with stupid!” with a downward pointing arrow. They just make me cringe, but at the end of the day, they’re pretty harmless.
But then there are…those pregnancy shirts. The ones that cheekily remind you that the couple has fucked. I’ve never seen a real human being wear a shirt like this, but something happened to my algorithm where Facebook is constantly showing me ads for pregnancy shirts that are little more than thinly veiled cum jokes.
Don’t know what I’m talking about? Lucky you! Or, I guess unlucky you, because I’m about to force you into the world of couples bragging about their sperm count…
Spice up your family Thanksgiving by wearing a shirt that lets everyone know that you were creampied! I’ve seen variations of this shirt that are like, “there’s a turkey in my oven…and I put it there!” Those ones are…fine. But the addition of the bit about stuffing really takes the concept up from “corny” to “cummy,” if ya ask me.
Yeah, I wasn’t joking about there being “brag about your sperm count” shirts. Not only does this shirt force anyone who sees it to briefly envision this man’s semen, it also has weird implications thanks to the placement of the target. I get that the target is supposed to be on the pregnant belly, but it reads less like “I shot my wad up into her womb” and more like “I came on her stomach and a baby started sprouting.”
Okay, admittedly, the “I’m late” maternity shirt isn’t too bad, but again, I really don’t want to think about the sperm part of the equation!! The concept of babies is cute, and the concept of sperm is 100% not cute, why don’t these t-shirt companies understand that!!
And again, the placement of the target is a bit of a head scratcher. This has sperm swimming up to a target that is around the father-to-be’s nipple. That just ain’t right.
Not only does this have a crass joke in it, it also has a splash of “this baby was an accident and we’re making him wear a shirt to prove it.” The nonsensical gun metaphor here really brings this one to a whole new level. Nothing says “I love my country” than plastering a dick joke over its flag. God bless.
I’d also like to take a brief moment to talk about the trend of COVID-19 pregnancy shirts that have also popped up. These ones are extra tacky because the main theme is like, “we were stuck inside so we fucked a whole lot.”
Like, look at this one. It’s basically just like, “yeah that’s right! While you were worried that your grandma was gonna die, we fucked like bunnies instead and here’s the proof!!”
A lot of people wanted to cash in on COVID pregnancies with the various iterations of the “I tested positive, but not for Corona” shirts, but if they don’t include a picture of a baby or pregnancy test, it genuinely reads more like they’re announcing that they got an STD in quarantine.
Plus, in general, it’s kind of insane that “deadly pandemic” got used as an opportunity for Etsy T-shirt storefronts to cash in, right?
Look, if you want to wear your cheesy shirts, don’t let me burst your bubble. Just know that all of these DO make me and everyone else briefly imagine you and your significant other fucking and creaming. We here at TehBen are dedicated to telling you the cold hard truth.