BADvice #4 Lochte-Tight!

Every two months, TEHBEN.COM will be featuring a new advice column that focuses on solving questions posed by our readers involving love, relationships, and everything else! Our site guest columnist is prisoner #360772, who is currently doing 45 years in a maximum security prison, convicted of several appalling crimes that he swears he had absolutely nothing to do with. Despite his faults as a human being (and being extremely bad at criminal-ing) he is a renowned expert on the human condition and

Dear Prisoner #360772,

What is your take on the whole Ryan Lochte thing? Do you consider him to be a hardened criminal? Should he face some real punishment/imprisonment for lying which cast Brazil in a negative light? Or is he just another douchey dipshit frat bro who squandered his “white and rich privilege” card?

P.S. What is the current exchange rate (in prison) for buttsecks for smokes? (I’m asking for a friend).

-Mark R.  Canon City, CO 


Two columns in a row of non-relationship shit! I done died and gone to heaven!

I really didn’t follow the whole “LOL I got robbed at gunpoint!!!11” story that dominated the news cycle during the last week of the Olympics. The truth is, we didn’t really watch much the Games at all, because the guards only DVR’d seven straight hours of men’s diving and put it on an endless loop for the duration of the Olympics. Even though we knew for two weeks what the repeated outcomes were gonna be, for some reason, this still held our interest like a hypnotist swinging a pocket watch.

From what I know, Ryan Lochte went out on the town and got wasted, and then tried to take a piss at a gas station. Being a drunk asshole, he and his buddies trashed the place and pissed all over everything. He got busted by some security guards who eventually held them at gunpoint and demanded restitution for their pee-pee antics. They paid the security guys and left, and when they got back, he told everyone that he was “robbed at gunpoint” and “fuck Rio”. He then immediately skipped town on a jet plane while the authorities began to piece together what actually happened. They eventually detained his teammates until the investigation was figured out and fines were dispersed. After the truth was discovered, he then did some interview in America where he cried like a lil’ bitch and took full responsibility while at the same time denied having any culpability at all. After this truly stupid interview, he then lost all of his sponsorship deals with Nair, some hair clinic, and most importantly, Speedo- The Makers Of The Greatest Banana Hammocks On Earth. Dude’s a fuckin’ idiot.

I’m no angel myself, and have gotten busy in a Burger King bathroom once or twice in my life, so I can see the whole “trash the place as the world burns” angle. But the difference between me and this whiny dumb ass guy is that I would never, ever deny doing it. That shit gives you street cred. The dude is as weak as he is stupid. If he’s not gangster enough to pay for damages he caused, he should have never left the safety of the village. Even though he sucks, I would still hang and do bong rips with the dude, but only if he got even more shitty tattoos.

I don’t think he should face any punishment here, but I really don’t have any issue with him being dropped off without any money or phone deep inside a Brazilian favela. I think that would be a fair shake to Justice and the American Way.

But the real victim in this story is me, Javier, and everyone else here in Cell Block C. We will miss all of his awesome magazine modeling spreads he did for the Speedo company. They are considered a form of currency in here, and are more prized than letters from loved ones. Hearing the news that he has been banned from doing those photo shoots indefinitely is like hearing that the government is no longer printing dollar bills.

And speaking of currency, the current exchange rate in here is as follows:

Four packs of smokes = Half brick of Ramen = One round of Spelunking

It’s definitely a seller’s market at the moment.

-Yours Truly,

Inmate #360772

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