Every week, TEHBEN.COM will be featuring a new advice column that focuses on solving questions posed by our readers involving love, relationships, and everything else. Our site columnist is prisoner #360772, who is currently doing 45 years in a Supermax prison, convicted of several grisly crimes that he swears he had absolutely nothing to do with. Despite his faults as a human being (and being overly bad at criminal-ing) he is a renowned expert on the human condition and dating.
Dear Prisoner #360772,
As we get closer and closer to everyone’s favorite romantic holiday, I love hearing stories about love and true romance. Do you have any stories like this? Can you be my prison pen-pal?
-Holly M. AURORA, CO
When it comes to the whole courting process between Javier and me, like to keep them details on the DL in case any informer for the man is listening. I don’t kiss and tell, and I certainly don’t shiv and tell either. I really haven’t heard a whole lot of steamy stories from the guys in the yard, because it’s been a pretty long time since they had any kind of physical contact with a lady. I do, however agree with you that Valentine’s Day is one of the nicest days of the year. That’s one of the rare days that the clouds part, everybody refrains from beating the shit out of each other and instead focuses on bearing their souls to the fellas they’ve been crushing on since the last cafeteria gang battle.
But I do recall one story that brings out a single solitary tear that eventually rests upon the tear tattoo on my face. One kid who was new to the pen, was heartbroken for getting caught burgling hot water heaters out of houses. He had recently proposed to his girlfriend! How did he do it? In a way that would melt the coldest of hearts, and will be remembered throughout history as the most romantic gesture EVER. He and his lady had just sat down to a delicious feast of Taco Bell, and were dousing every menu item in Fire sauce before consuming it. Those stupid little single-serving sauce packets have stupid sayings on them like “Ketchup is for Kommunists!” and “If I was any hotter, would you hold it against me?“. As he was stuffing his 13th taco in his mouth, he grabbed for another one of those packets, and the packet was labeled with the phrase “Will You Marry Me?“. He held it up gloriously in front of his girlfriends face, blushing. Did she say yes? You bet your contraband-stuffing ass she did!
See? Now I’m crying all over the keyboard of this sweet government-issued 1994 Pentium computer.
As far as being pen-pals goes, I don’t really get a lot of mail in here. One time somebody mailed me anthrax and I will admit it was a pretty good joke, but I now have an anxiety towards opening any kind of mail. Except for them bitchin’ SkyMall catalogs.
Have a question for our romance columnist? Direct them in e-mail format to firstname.lastname@example.org (subject line: Badvice)