Every week, TEHBEN.COM will be featuring a new advice column that focuses on solving questions posed by our readers involving love, relationships, and everything else. Our site columnist is prisoner #360772, who is currently doing 45 years in a Supermax prison, convicted of several grisly crimes that he swears he had absolutely nothing to do with. Despite his faults as a human being (and being overly bad at criminal-ing) he is a renowned expert on the human condition and dating.
Dear Prisoner #360772,
I just started my sophomore year of high school this fall. I’m nervous at school around other classmates, and I keep to myself most of the time. The homecoming dance is coming up and I really like a quiet boy in my English class, but I’m not sure how to go about asking him out! Is something like that even acceptable for a girl to do? I’m so confused!
-Michelle R, Highlands Ranch
I would have never known that Javier even liked me if he didn’t sack up and introduce himself by holding a shiv to my throat, telling me that I was his forever. Sometimes destiny can be a fickle bitch like that. But I’m grateful for his brazen attempt on my life because it brought the two of us together as one. At the time, I would have never paid attention to him because I was too busy trying to balance smuggling contraband in my butt and applying for the local chapter of our cell block’s white supremacist union. Some days you just have to take that initiative and go after your desires, and have confidence in yourself! (be sure to bring an improvised shiv as a back-up plan if things go south). Sometimes the quiet ones just need a little coercing to get what you need out of them, don’t be afraid to assert yourself to show them who the dominant one in the situation is. To achieve this, follow my guideline, the “SLUT” system!
- Strike up a simple conversation
- Look into his eyes and tell him that he is your bitch
- Utensil! Stab him in the leg with a utensil!
- Tell everyone at school that he is YOUR BITCH and yours alone!
Follow these simple steps, and you may very well end up like me and Javier, who are looking forward to reaching retirement age (yet still incarcerated) spending our evenings holding each other closely as we watch the sunset through our cell bars, sipping on the finest pruno, dreaming of the day we finally get that contraband E-string to pick up tattooing again.
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