Our modern world is a world of wonder. An incredible world of endless colors, infinite flavors and tasty chemicals. Somewhere, there’s a man in a lab coat in a secret bunker with some beakers who will not have anything to do with curing cancer, but he will instead craft a perfect artificial flavor replication that will bring forth an incredible miracle to the masses: he will create Spicy Carnitas Bubble Yum.
This hypothesis, of course, is merely a pipe dream that is reserved for true believers like myself. Now, I’m not saying that I’ve tried to formulate this specific flavor in my garage, but I totally have. If there’s an entire division of the Jelly Belly company that focuses solely on crafting accurate flavor profiles of mucus and toe jam, why try to crush one man’s dream of roasted pork bubblegum?
I’m not the only mad scientist focused on mutating totally fucked up crossovers, as sometimes big money backed corporations will try to get in on it too. Recently, there’s been national releases of Apple Pie Pepsi, Winter Solstice Coke and Screamin’ Taquito Faygo to the bewilderment of some very confused soda consumers. These unique flavors have their own merits, but nothing screams “scrawled in feces on the walls of the asylum” quite like the newest flavor of Pepsi, slated to launch just in time for Spring 2021.
That’s right. As proud Americans, the only way to perk up sagging soda sales is to dissolve sugar crusted marshmallows directly into corn syrup. The only way this idea could be any more American is if it was deep fried as well (good God, Pepsi do not take this as a suggestion). Being one of the country’s premiere soda bloggers (along with my award-winning online essay 40 Easter Candies To Dissolve In Pepsi) I have acquired a single 12 ounce “advance copy” of Pepsi Peeps to review! I’m pleased at this distinction, as they normally just serve me cease and desist letters. We’re okay for the moment, Pepsi, but I’m never dropping the fact I never got that Final Fantasy VII t-shirt I won off a Fanta cap in 1998.
Let’s just break it down, shall we?
Color: This soda is a bright, jaunty (okay, just jaundiced lol) shade of bright yellow, just like a well hidden and forgotten Peep on a warm Sunday morning. The carbonation is pretty intense, and it looks rather inviting and possibly refreshing as if I wasn’t already blissfully unaware of what horrors await me.
Smell: This smells like a big ball of spun sugar with a little bit of a cola scent hidden deep inside a cloud of cotton candy. It definitely has an odor like something oddly familiar, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Description escapes me, but I would probably describe the smell as smelling like all the bad parts of the circus.
Taste: The flavor is where Pepsi Peeps really shines. If you love sugar coated marshmallows melted in battery acid, this soda is gonna be your fucking jam. This tastes like a flat Pepsi with a half cup of sugar poured directly into it. It almost has a weird coconut flavor aftertaste but that could also just be my pancreas catching on fire. This soda makes my teeth hurt. I’m pretty sure that the very existence of Peeps Pepsi makes an infallible argument that God does not.
Sound: If you listen very carefully when you take a thick, syrupy sip of Pepsi Peeps, you can hear Wilford Brimley spinning inside his grave at approximately 450 RPM. This particular sound will remind you that it’s probably a good idea to balance out all this corn syrup goodness with a healthy bowl of oatmeal.
Verdict:
If you ever wanted a soda that tastes like the year 2020, congratulations, you’ve found it. Even if Pepsi Peeps doesn’t seem that terrible after an initial sip or two, it gets unbearable as you get closer to the bottom of the can. This soda will leave you thirsty and unrefreshed, so if Pepsi was looking to replicate the flavor of Easter Morning Service, they nailed it (not apologizing for that pun lol). As much as I love weird ideas and flavors, this is entirely one step too far into the darkness and I’d drink anything found inside Big Lots! before I’d ever consider picking up a (god forbid) an entire 12 pack of this stuff. If they need any promotional ideas, they should incude coupons for insulin inside every pack of Pepsi Peeps. While this was an experience, I wish I would have been sent a few more cans for further scrutiny/fire sale on eBay. Since I can no longer dwell on the evil that is Peeps Pepsi, I guess I’m just gonna have to focus on this delicious new flavor that was sent to me in the mail..
Teh Ben is a motorcycleless motorcyclist who is stuck riding a unicycle instead. Sure, he’s got some issues, but if you’d like to see them on full display, be sure to check out his old YouTube channel, his Instagram, or join him and the boat parade on Twitter
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