Eatin’ Ain’t Cheatin’ (Week 3 Sugar Free Results)

As if I don’t need any more stress in my life, I’ve also decided in order to try to become “pool sexy” by removing my favorite food group from my diet, sugar and soda. If you wish to go back understand where I’m coming from, you can do so by clicking on week 0, week 1, and week 2. Week 3, well… it gets weird.

While the overall cravings have diminished a bit from week two, the evenings are still really hard to go without hunting down a half gallon of ice cream and giving into my primal needs (not having sex with ice cream). Food is still pretty great, but I feel like a bottomless pit all the time, which means I’m hungry 80% of the day and I don’t even look great in a bikini …yet!

…or have even a basic understanding of Photoshop, either

Enough complaints, let’s talk stats, baby!

March 16:

Weight: 217.5 lbs. (loss of 2.8 lbs; total loss of -7.1 lbs)

Gut: 43″ (loss of 1.5″; total loss of 2″)

Waist: 42.0″ (no change)

Bust: C Cup (no change)

I have to admit, things around me are getting a bit crazy with this whole end of the world thing going on. While most places are starting to shutter their doors, we continue to stay open, which means I’m still getting plenty of exercise (with plenty of anxiety also). While COVID-19 hasn’t hit Colorado as hard as other areas yet, there’s still a decent amount of folks taking this seriously. There are just as many who think this threat is a democratic hoax, and are continuing to do body shots inside Target. It sucks that I’ve been torturing myself to look good at the pool, and now that I’m actually making progress, public pools are going to be completely shut down until 2023. Fucking figures.

Toilet paper is the hot commodity of the year, and it’s hard to find the expensive stuff anywhere. Using this logic, I deducted that consumer electronic prices are going to skyrocket as well since overseas production has been shut down for a month. Based on this, I decided to splurge on myself and finally pick up anewfangled 4k UHD TV. My current old projection TV had gotten to more than 50 dead pixels onscreen and I finally caved to picking up an upgrade after watching 1917 through a snowstorm. It was surreal walking a 75″ TV on a cart through the parking lot where folks were beating each other up for 3 packs of paper towels. But to be completely honest, at that moment, I’ve never felt more American.

Smart TV’s are kind of irritating to set up and update, but once you mount that giant TV to your wall, you gain room space and have a picture clarity that will blow you away. Lots of things went bad this week, but getting to watch White Reaper videos in 4k and discovering I love twenty one pilots has been the only bright spot so far. I’m happy to discover I am still receptive to enjoying new music as long as it’s not cowboy dubstep bullshit.

this is so stupid good.

But other than my obtuse purchases, the rest of week 3 has been pretty successful. I had one normal flavored Diet Red Bull and the best part about it is that I’ll never be tempted to get one of those ever again. I ate a lot of apples, pears and oranges in the evenings and those staved off my evening cravings pretty well.

I’m not missing soda too badly, as I have plenty of flavored seltzer options at my disposal, and I’ve found that brewing a gallon of iced tea every couple of days saves a lot of money. I have been watching people pick up cases of Mtn Dew Frostbite all over the country, but I have yet to break my rules and try some, even though it looks delightful.

I would also like to amend my glowing review of flavored seltzers in my last entry to also mention one small caveat: While these are a nice alternative to corn syrup based drinks, they are nothing close to bootstrappy upstart companies AT ALL. Bubli is produced by Pepsico, and AHA Seltzer is made by the Coca Cola company. There’s no risk at all to either brands, as they are both backed by billions of dollars. I just can’t understand why these seltzers are sold in packs of 8 instead of 12, especially since they are far and away cheaper to produce. Gotta stick it to the folks trying to take care of themselves, I suppose while rewarding Team Diabeetus.

I will admit I was also pretty difficult to deal with at work, since my growing desire for sugar and to not be exposed to a deadly virus make me crankier with each day. There’s a lot of infighting within our crew as we all deal with stress in different ways. I caught my entry level dude vaping his banana rainbow yogurt flavored shit in the building (again) and started arguing with him. After initially threatening his job, eventually it turned into me yelling at him how I desperately just wanted a big plate of Belgian waffles. It turns out you really lose your argumentative edge when you go sugar-free.

I finally did break my rules and have a small piece of angel food cake and strawberries on Sunday as a reward for not bending or breaking for all this time, despite all the bullshit that gets thrown at me. It was delicious. Sometimes, you just gotta treat yourself. If you need me, I’ll be chilling in the glow of my giant TV, dreaming about feeding Peeps into my mouth like machine gun rounds in the glow of forbidden sunlight.

Teh Ben is a part-time Sandwich Artist and unlicensed shrub doctor. When he’s not out making perverted balloon animals, he can also be found on his Twitter, his YouTube channel, or his Instagram page.

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