Corn Syrup or Blood Plasma? (Week 2 Results)

In case this showed up in your feed and you don’t understand what’s going on, here’s a link to Part .5 and Part 1 of my torturous diet blog story.

Today, we are picking it right back up where we left off, starting with this week’s beginning stats. I always try to weigh myself about an hour after dinner on Monday nights, to in order to keep a routine and establish patterns. Here are the results from a week of completely cutting sugar out of my diet:

March 9th-

Weight: 220.3 lbs. (loss of 4.3 lbs!)

Waist: 42″ (no change)

Gut Width: 44.5″ (loss of .5″)

Bust: C Cup (no change)

After surviving a really difficult week of withdrawals, the reward for the suffering was a small improvement in weight! I lost a few pounds, and a little bit of belly girth (it’s fun using words like that outside the confines of the Smut Vault)! I feel slightly better heath-wise, but my overall energy levels still leave much to be desired. At the end of a workday, I just want to hurry to bed and collapse in a heap, making me a nothing more than a Pile of Dad after I get home. This completely drained version of myself has also helped with with my difficulty sleeping, basically becoming the most depressing trade off ever.

The second week of going without sugar is actually much worse and much harder than the first, and while I did not keep an active diary during the week (due to near constant psychosis), I can summarize the highlights pretty easily with just a few paragraphs.

As some sort of celestial punishment, the food distributor dude put one of my all-time favorite candy bars inside the vending machine at work. Every time I use the coffee machine next to it, I spend several minutes gazing lovingly upon the “100% Chocolate Guarantee!” printed on the Nestle CRUNCH bar wrapper. Every fucking morning this little song and video autoplays inside my head:

I love every millisecond of this commercial!

During week 2, I still have yet to give into my urges, but I did slightly cave and drink a Pear Red Bull (it’s diet)(and gross) because I needed the caffeine so badly. I have found that treating myself to a few of those small mandarin oranges after dinner helps to curb some of my cravings and keep me focused on breaking the addiction by eating something sweet but also has the benefit of also adding some tasty fiber to my diet.

look at that smug bastard….

As far as drinks go, I’m still sticking to my unsweetened teas and seltzers. While I’ve found that Bubli is a decent subsitute, it can also be really one dimensional. There’s another flavored seltzer water recently added to the market, and spoiler alert: it is so fuckin’ good. AHA Seltzer water blends two or more diametrically different flavors together to keep things interesting. While will never become a zero calorie seltzer blog, I cannot recommend AHA’s Honey Peach flavor enough. I have at least 5 cases of the stuff as it still has a weird distribution radius.

No sweeteners, no sodium, no life…

On Thursday night, I was craving sugar so badly and was out of Cuties, that I ended up eating an entire pound of baby carrots instead. I’m not a huge carrot guy as I think cooked ones are disgusting, but fresh cold carrots aren’t completely “terrible”. Baby carrots a weird way to get sugar, you’ll get a few sweet ones and then one random one that tastes like dirt. It’s Russian carrot roulette. I think I got around a month’s worth of dietary fiber from that particular dessert choice.

Most of my diet has remained more or less the same, except I’ve tried eating more vegetables whenever possible. To be honest, it’s been really weird eating like an adult for an entire week. I also forced myself to try a banana for a second time. This one tasted a little more like Circus Peanuts, but it was really squishy and gross. I asked my daughter at least 5 times if the brown spots were actually edible. Monkeys be some weird motherfuckers.

Two weeks down, an unknown amount of weeks lie ahead. This journey never has a finish line, it just has a shitload of baby carrots.

Teh Ben is the worst diet blogger of all time (verified) and is an occasional bra model for JC Penney’s Holiday Catalog. He can also be found spittin’ truth on Twitter, getting burned by oil changes on YouTube, and posting pictures of butterflies on Instagram.

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