(Please Note: Teh Ben is not an actual doctor or dietician (despite those homemade degrees framed on the wall above his desk). Please consult a medical professional before attempting any diet, unlike this idiot)
If you’ve been following my saga here at all, you probably already know I am currently attempting to replicate the number one topic of all mommy blogs: the dreaded diet. In order to not look like 220 pounds of uncooked subway loaf this summer, I’ve proactively made the decision to implement some dietary changes. The first big change I’m putting into action is removing the sugar from my normal diet altogether. This is much easier said than done, as I normally ingest over 700 empty calories in energy drinks, corn syrup and Mtn Dew every day. I’m pretty convinced I need this garbage to give me the BOOST and SUGAR POWER to muscle my way through a weekday workday, or used as a revitalizing tonic mixer for any weekend’s skull-splitting hangover.
My rules are pretty simple, 1) avoid all soda, and 2) avoid all sugar based candy, foods, or baked goods. If there are small amounts of sugar in a meal recipe, I’m letting that go as long as it’s not a recipe for homemade saltwater taffy or something. I’m also avoiding the artificial sweetened crap, because substituting that in place of normal shitty stuff isn’t really solving the problem. The other reason I’m actively avoiding all those diet drinks is because it tastes like rejected Applebee’s $1 cocktail mixer.
On my last weekend of regular eating, I said goodbye to all my favorite things. I stuffed my face with chocolate covered cherries, Pepperidge Farm (remembers) cookies, Cadbury Creme Eggs, Samoas, an entire case of Dew and my newest love- Hello Kitty brand Matcha Green Tea Marshmallows.
Seriously, if you can find matcha flavored marshmallows, you should give them a chance because they are motherfucking divine. With my candy supply destroyed, I then had to mentally prepare myself for my other weakness, avoiding the Coke/Pepsi/RC Cola sales of 4 twelve packs for $10. This has derailed my past attempts in the past as I CANNOT REFUSE A DEAL, even if it’s a sale on garbage; I am a slave to my lizard brain more than I’d like to admit, really. I also made a pact as to my two “cheat” exclusions to my complete sugar cut off, and these are 1) the resurgence of Crystal Pepsi and 2) the return of Lindt gingerbread truffles. Those are my only dietary exceptions, and great picks because they are long shots at best.
Let’s start by getting my baseline stats out of the way (Trigger warning: Pictures of a shirtless pasty fat dude lie ahead. You’ve been warned).
March 3, 2020
224.6 LBS. Waist: 42″ Gut Width: 45″ (then how TF are my pants 38-34??) Bust: C Cup
I figure the first week would be the worst of them all, so I took notes every day to shine some detail into my food intake, cravings, and inevitable psychosis. The following words copied directly from my ColorNote app:
MONDAY– First two hours…confident and I feel great! I had a cup of black coffee and I haven’t had any sugar in my system for 12 hours (sleep counts lol). Nothing is going to bring me down and I’ve got this!
Third hour Tummy say: me hungry, asshole
Fourth hour: I’ve got the shakes and uncontrollable anxiety. Is this how minesweepers feel?
Fifth/six hour: FUCKING RAGE. STAY OUT OF MY WAY I NEED A SNICKERS I.V. MOTHERFUCKER
The rest of Monday was a throbbing, horrific headache I haven’t felt since nearly dying in Vegas. It feels like Quatto is going to spring forth from my skull and give me some sagelike advice, and I’m secretly hoping it’s “give in to matcha marshmallows, bitch”. No such luck. I wonder how I will sleep with no sugar today and no caffeine in my system after 9am. (Note: I fell asleep in the shower)
TUESDAY: I incurred a brutal headache right out of the gates. I spent my day being antagonistic and angry, kind of like a fat Hulk. Work was no fun and time had slowed to a crawl. I watched the primary election results, took the boy out to McDonald’s so he could get complete exposure to child-borne virulent diseases and having an iced tea with my cheeseburger felt so…un-American. I really wanted Panda Express because I wanted to eat a pound of broccoli for some reason, but it was near a polling place, and business was booming and I wasn’t in a “people mood”. I have a hard time at night not having a decent snack or treat to tide me over at the end of a day. Goodnight, Moon.
WEDNESDAY: I’ve been sneaking in a 5 Hour Energy into my morning routine to compensate for my brain not getting a half gallon of corn syrup injected directly into it. Whenever I get my one deliciously sweet chemical treat, I treat it like it’s my Precious and it’s quickly become the highlight of my mornings. I had to break my rules, I made myself a grape Crystal Light with a bottled water after I started sweating profusely and uncontrollably. It was delicious as far as grapes made in a test tube go. I decided that eating natural sugar contained within fruit is ok for my diet, so I went and bought a pineapple, some bananas, and two bags of mandarin oranges. I got home and ate the first banana I’ve eaten since 1987 and it was just as bad as I remembered. It took me a half hour to eat the whole thing, but after that I tore into the pineapple and destroyed the entire thing like I was a crackhead/vampire. Another observation- Is sugar a diuretic? I have to pee constantly every day, and I’m releasing around 5 gallons each time. I even woke up three times to go to the bathroom during the night, which could also be due to the fact I’ve drank more plain water in the last three days than I did all last year.
THURSDAY: Fuck this entire day. Work was an unmitigated disaster, and I’m already getting bored with my choices of water, seltzer and tea. After work, I went into shutdown mode and went directly to bed, got up and peed about 40 times over the rest of the night.
FRIDAY– I want beef jerky. Meat. Meat has no sugar. Meat good. (turns over bag to check ingredients) INGREDIENTS: Beef, sugar, brown sugar, sucrose, corn syrup (for flavor) FUCK YOU JACK LINKS SINCE YOU ARE IN THE POCKET OF BIG SUGAR. Instead, I thought I would get a bagel from the roach coach in the morning since there’s not a lot of sugar free options available and it turns out she’s fighting with her bagel supplier so instead I got a baby sized salad which looked like it was six days past the expiration date. Dieting is a fuck, it’s almost like all you can choose from are crap or trash. I think this isn’t a bug, it’s a feature.
So far… so good. I’m trying my best to keep myself from getting derailed on my journey from the promise of a wonderful weekend bourbon buzz, which might lead to me making bad decisions. I will try to keep you posted with fresh stats each week, and probably not too many more mantitty pics since they are so jarring for everyone involved.
Teh Ben is a stunt double for the Jabba the Hutt puppet used in the 15th remake re-edit of Return of the Jedi. Follow him and his convictions in real-time on Twitter, peruse his terrible online video collection, or look at his pretty (with shirt on) pictures.